A Beginner’s Guide to Corruption by David Misch

Sneak Peek


Excerpt   

My dictionary defines “corruption” as “the act of impairing integrity, virtue, or moral principle; the state of being debased; impurity; wickedness; depravity.”

Wow. Ol’ Dictionary’s gettin’ pretty judgmental for an inanimate object in a dying technology.

Let’s get real, peeps: corruption is deceit in pursuit of personal gain. And while we can debate whether deceit is “good” or “bad”, nobody argues with personal gain. What are we after in life – personal loss? I don’t think so. And personal gain ain’t gonna leap onto your thighs for a free lap-dance; you gotta make it come to you.

There are lots of ways to do this: Wishing. Hoping. Hard Work. All perfectly valid… if you’re the world’s biggest pussy.

No, a brief perusal of today’s headlines shows that Corruption as a route to wealth and happiness is fast, easy and effective, other than when it takes years, requires enormous effort, and doesn’t work.

But let’s face it, not everyone can be corrupt; it takes a magical combination of opportunity, moral turpitude and having something to sell: wealth, power, sex. (Got the set? Score!) Or, in lieu of those admirable attributes, a willingness to give up all moral standards and betray anyone who trusts you. Does this sound like you? Then welcome to “A Beginner’s Guide to Corruption”!

A bit of preliminary advice; before fooling others, many expert corruptioneers find it helpful to fool themselves. Believing that what you do for personal gain is actually a sacrifice for your family/company/country is crucial to getting away with it. When Chief Bill Clinton Impeacher Newt Gingrich was discovered having an affair during the impeachment, he explained “There’s no question that, partially driven by how passionately I feel about this country, things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” Ah, Newt, we miss you.

(Meanwhile, Assistant Chief Clinton Impeacher Dennis Hastert was making multimillion-dollar payoffs to one of the teenagers he molested as a high school wrestling coach.)

To be conscious you’re evil risks Snidely Whiplash Syndrome, in which the victim grows a long moustache and twirls it obsessively while chortling. (SWS is especially challenging for women, a gender generally unschooled in the craft of evil-moustache-twirling.)

This book [Note to readers under 20: A “book” (buk) is a papyrus-based wireless display device which uses ultra-thin “pages” to convey information] will reveal the secret to success through corruption (and its bff fraud) in the fields of Politics, Finance and Love, and will give you this information in less than 30 minutes, assuming you skip the first 9 pages.

Why should obscene financial wealth and supercilious social status belong only to the professionally corrupt? I dream of a time when – thanks to their purchase of this moderately-priced “book” [see above] – every American will be able to say “I’m rich! I’m corrupt! And I’m not guilty! (Although I’m willing to plea bargain.)”teal swirl


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