I haven’t written here in a while and wanted to say I’m taking a break from blogging. I have other places that I write daily and honestly, wordpress is just getting too expensive for what you get in return. I’ll still renew my domain yearly but may work on deleting older posts.
My primary dynamic is currently on pause and potentially over. I’m heartbroken over this. For the first few months, things were great and this man changed my life. But over time, things changed. He became moody, withdrawn. We reset the relationship three times with promises that things would get better.
And things did get better. For about a month or so at a time. I knew of his personal challenges in life and with his health, not my story to tell – but he had never been cruel or unkind to me. He had become my best friend.
But now. It’s like “living” with a stranger.
We all have a little darkness in us and if you aren’t careful, you can lose yourself into a fantasy world. And that’s what happened with me. I realized that the relationship wasn’t going anywhere. It wasn’t going to change. And his moods were greatly affecting my moods.
I won’t say he’s a bad guy. I don’t believe that. But there are things I need in a relationship. Like assurance that things are okay on bad days with anxiety. Consistent communication habits. We don’t need to chat all day, but I do need that closeness – especially when communication is all you have.
But day by day, things started to slide and I took it personally.
The intimacy stopped. He stopped asking me how my day was and went straight into business. Then went radio silent until later that night leaving me feeling cold. Texts would go unanswered for most of the day.
Guys, it doesn’t take long to response to a text and say, “I hope you have a great day too. Thinking of you.” That’s all I wanted. That’s ALL I asked for.
I won’t go into too much detail but.
We went into this dynamic with the belief that I would later find partners for me to build relationships here because of the distance. He also had other relationships and fair is fair. But sharing isn’t always easy for some primal folks. And this started to become a problem.
And so. That’s currently on pause. I’m feeling a lot broken because of it. Really sad. And confused because I did everything that was asked for me. And the minute I tried setting boundaries, I was punished.
Part of the reason I think things went so awry was because a local Dom that flirted with me at the park meets all summer finally showed some interest. I didn’t think he was interested, but the more we chatted in DM’s, the more I realized we had in common.
We both have had toxic relationships in the lifestyle that we are still healing from – my last relationship was very abusive. He’s only 2 years older than me and lives 10 minutes away from me. Which is a lot closer than Minnesota.
He’s offered me rides to and from community events. He’s willing to come over and hang out with friends and watch movies. He’s a snuggle bug and provides me with that comforting feeling that I’ve sorely missed. Yes, long distance relationships can be intimate – but you still need that physical touch.
He came over here last night and we had dinner and watched a movie while he took apart my keyboard. I had a minor accident with a cup of coffee that morning. And I watched curiously as he took it apart and explained what he was doing. And hey. I still have a keyboard that I’m using today.
And he lectured me on maintenance and washing it regularly lol….my other friend Gazoo also lectures me too. He’s a very handy man that loves inventing gadgets and toys. He’s a gardener and avid harvester. He also loves to cook like I do.
So, I usually cook a meal and then we hang out after.
I went from having no company for like 5 years to now. I have people here weekly. Like group night on Monday – we had a small pajama party and watched Halloween horror movies. I have a gal pal coming over Friday for a sleepover. And I’ll see my dad for his birthday tomorrow. But it seems like people love coming over for a visit. And I love having them here.
I’ve never had a family unit like I do now. It’s genuine. Not forced. And everyone is comfortable around each other to let their guards down and heck, even snuggle.
I’m told “I deserve this kind of relationship” – even if it’s just friendship with a side of kink. He’s slowly becoming one of my favorite people here.
The difference in these two relationships – it’s huge.
With him, it’s just fucking easy. I know where I stand. There are no head games. There’s no desire to control (yet). No rules. Well, we both have our limits. But I’m free to come and go as I please. We have our own places.
And as he said…
“Intimacy isn’t always about sex. You can have other types of intimacy like closeness, communication or cuddling.”
And yep. Even though I’m heartbroken over what happened with my dynamic. I’ve also grown accustomed to having this new man around. I gotta say. I like it.
On that note. I’m signing off. It snowed like half a foot outside and it’s cold in here. I cried most of the day and my eyes hurt. But I will be okay. Because I deserve to be.