It’s Tuesday morning. I’m sitting in my recliner in my fuzzy pj pants and the fireplace is roaring. I’ve got my first cup of coffee and decided I needed to start writing here again. It’s bitterly cold outside sitting at -33 this morning. No matter where you are in the world, that’s cold. And once again, I’m sitting here feeling confused and wondering – where did the good go?

First off, I did make my blog private for a while. The premium plan expires soon and I’m not sure I’ll renew it. I’ll probably go back to personal plan which means losing some features and having to redesign it. I’m trying to keep a low profile in general online these days. But we’ll see.

My primary long distance dynamic ended last month. The relationship started to get toxic and pretty abusive due to some jealousy issues on his part. Which wasn’t fair. He had a live-in partner and was well aware that I was looking for someone local for me. And I did find that. For a three months, I had someone that I was seeing. Until last week.

The LDR dynamic ended with taking some time apart and going no contact for a few days. Then he called on the Sunday of that week and we talked a long time. He said we could be friends. But people always say that. We talk still just not often. I don’t know how to act with him now. And there are still some bitter feelings on how toxic things got towards the end. I’m embarrassed for how much I chased him, when he seemed to unattach himself to me pretty quickly.

Then I had a wonderful but short-lived relationship with a guy that I had flirted with all summer. Or rather, he flirted with me. I had no idea he was interested in me. We saw each other weekly. He drove me to events and introduced me to his friends. I cooked for him. We had a few movie nights. He came to the few social gatherings I had with friends. And in the last two weeks, we started getting really close.

Like… acting like a couple on Fetlife for two weeks. Daily. And I was pretty happy. I think he was too. In the time that I knew him which was as long as my ex, I had never seen him interact that way with another woman.

We clicked. The chemistry when together was hot. But there were issues. Some compatibility issues that made him uncomfortable. And I made the mistake of asking a question about a sore subject for him. And we are now currently in no contact.

Once again, I had a man that I had been intimate with and started developing feelings for – withdraw and ask for space.

Seriously, asking for space is the worst thing to do with an anxious attachment. I pick at things because I want to fix them. I really should have just let him have space, because now we’re no longer together. He just wants to be friends.

And I realize he’s probably right. But I wasn’t ready for the connection to end. We were just starting. But I also realized something else.

I refuse to be with someone I have to chase. I refuse to someone’s option. I refuse to be someone’s last priority in life. I refuse to try and make things work with someone who is questioning whether they want to be with me or not.

I’ve done that for too many men. Too many times. And it always ends in heartache.

If he comes back after this “break” then we’ll see what happens. But I’m not chasing him.

For now – I’m focusing on me. On health. Re-writing some short stories. Working on art. And healing. There’s a lot of healing to do from this past year. THREE connections that I had this year. And my heart just hurts.

I don’t think I’m a bad person. I ask questions because I like to know things and I was getting some pretty mixed signals. Maybe he realized that when he pulled away.

The lesson learned this year?

It’s so easy for some people to pull away from a relationship rather than work on it. If that’s the case, what’s the point anymore? Why try? And how can some people walk away from something like it was nothing?

Because it wasn’t nothing to me. It meant something. And I miss it.

PS: If anyone tells me to “love myself more” and thinks will work out – I will throat punch you. I’m not a violent person but I will make exceptions. That’s gaslighting yourself into thinking that people won’t mistreat you or abuse you if given the chance. Because trust me sweetie, they will. Only some of them are so clever at it, you don’t realize until way too late. And you know what? I have too much self respect to even put up with that crap anymore.

Get out of here with your self-love crap. Setting boundaries IS a form of self-care. And I don’t need that on my page. Or in my comments sections.