Last night I had some friends over for a Christmas potluck dinner and gift exchange. It was a fun night. I might have had one too many drinks and am feeling a little tired today. But…all honesty, the night with friends was needed and I got to see someone that I had a falling out with.

I made a honey glazed ham and will have so much ham for the next while. I’m going to either have to have more friends over for dinner or freeze some. I might make a ham and potato casserole too to use some up.

We ate so much food.

There was booze. My friend JoRo and I got a little tipsy and the men were making fun of us. And I also have 2 litres of eggnog that I have no idea what I’m going to do with! We played a fun board game that always turns into a competition in this group.

For dinner – there was a 2 pound honey ham. I also made a delicious stuffing mix with dried cranberries, celery and onions. I’ll probably make that again for family dinner on the 25th. There was a big batch of potatoes and cheese. Cornbread. Mashed butternut squash that overcooked on my end. And sausages.

I just ate an entire plate of ham and sausages for breakfast and *belch* it was so good.

My friend even made a pie and the four of us sat around the table like a family. And I think that’s what we’ve become. A dysfunctional family of sorts. It was just nice. I love entertaining and cooking and having friends over.

The clean up on the other hand is surreal today. Lots of dishes. And I made a mess in my oven – spilled honey sauce on the bottom so that will be fun. I might have to hire someone to clean it up for me.

But the evening…

It was what I needed to snap out of this depressive funk I’ve been in. And I realize now, that I have a lot of healing to do from my dynamic that ended in November. I made the mistake of rushing into a new relationship and that fell apart quickly. To the point, the guy won’t even hug me or doesn’t want to be alone with me.

I’m giving him space for now. I’m hoping to make amends. But for now – it is what it is. He needs to process his feelings too. But I really miss him. I miss our coffee morning chats and movie nights. And for a while there – I was happy. Things were good. I forgot how good it felt to be in a relationship and have someone be there for you.

We both made mistakes. And I’ll take this as a life lesson. I know it will take time to repair but. I wish I could take back that entire conversation. What really did it in was the apology message I sent him the next day. So, if I learned anything when dealing with neurodivergent types.

Apologize. Quickly and mean it.

Give them space and time if they ask for it.

Let them make the first move when ready.

I have regrets. I really do. But hopefully in time, things can be salvaged.

In other news, my place is starting to look like Christmas and last night helped put me in the seasonal mood. I got my tree up and some lights on the fireplace. I’ve got the wreath I started making last year that needs finishing. And maybe I’ll make some streamers and stuff before Christmas.

And also. A male friend that was part of my group asked to come over for coffee and hot chocolate next week. We stopped talking while I was seeing the other guy. And now he’s checking in daily again. I missed his friendship. So, I guess there is a silver lining there.

As for me.

I’m taking time to be on my own for a while. Have some healing and growing to do. I don’t regret anything about this year. What I am working on is self-growth and making amends. Trying to salvage those connections that are worth salvaging. And letting go of those that are toxic.

For now, I’m leaving you with this song that helped me through this week. It sums me up perfectly.

I’ll find my spark again.

I wish I had taken a picture of all the food! There was so much for four people. I’ll be eating ham for weeks.