For the past month or so, I’ve mostly kept to myself. Focusing on healing and shadow work. Trying to let go of outdated patterns that no longer serve me well. Also, trying to move on from this depression.
But the more time that goes on, while I feel less hurt, and I’m not crying on a daily basis – it still stings.
Shadow work can be draining in itself. When you’re forced to face your trauma head on, especially if it’s the reason for a relationship ended or failing – you’re also forced to look inside yourself to figure out why these relationships fail.
In asking for space and time to heal, I lost some friends that I used to talk to often. I think that’s the hardest part of a breakup, especially when you see your ex’s out in the same community. It’s one of the reasons why I left the alt community in the first place. Too many ex’s and everyone seemed to play or hook up with each other. To the point where it gets “icky” for me to think about.
Something I have learned recently, is that when you do the work on yourself to heal and grow – and you share your experiences – it can scare friends away. And not for the reasons you would think.
I think in some cases, maybe those people aren’t ready to face their inner demons or work on their trauma. Yes, they acknowledge they have issues, and pain, but they continue to move through life without doing anything to help overcome it. And trust me when I say, there comes a point where you recognize your patterns can be hurtful, and you want to make changes. Well, maybe not for everyone.
There are some people that have stood by me through this and are noticing the growth and changes I’ve made. I’m not writing daily – at least not on social media for friends to see. I’m more working on artwork, and getting back into editing and rewriting my book series. It’s distracting. In between sleeping and naps. I cannot seem to get enough sleep – another side effect of shadow work. It drains you.
I think the lesson here for me, and something my Tik-Tok feed keeps telling me is this:
People come and go into your life for reasons and seasons. Some are there to teach you karmic lessons. And others, will stay by your side, and support you on your journey, no matter what it looks like.
For me, I’m grateful for those friends I’ve had for years who have stuck by me. They’re the ones I can rely on. Some read this blog. They’re the people I can visit with, after months of not seeing each other, and we just pick up like no time has passed. Or we can sit in comfortable silence, watch a movie, or a concert and just enjoy each other’s company.
I’m really trying to let go of those people that don’t want to be in my life. But it’s hard when it’s a small community. There are some that I love dearly, and want to keep in touch with. Even though there is hurt there.
I wonder if part of the thing with shadow work – does healing and letting go of trauma, make you rethink those connections and friendships you thought were right for you? Were they really friends, or were they just hanging onto you for whatever reasons? Maybe you provided a service to them. Or maybe you made them feel good with attention.
Part of healing is recognizing to see the bullshit that others put into the world. You catch on more easily to who the players are. You’re moving into a new phase of your life, where you’re just tired and don’t have the energy to put up with the crap.
You re-evaluate your core values and boundaries. And when you enforce those boundaries, you’re called an asshole and ungrateful. At least, that’s what I learned from family. And so, I just disengage. Remove myself from those conversations and people.
There’s a lot I’m feeling right now. And mostly, I want to be alone. I want to write. I want to share my thoughts and ideas. I want to heal. I want to let go of everything and that will happen eventually.
The resentment? Yes, it’s still there.
But deep down, I know I’m on the right path. That these lessons had to happen for a reason, so that I could start this healing journey and unlearn responses to trauma that are from generations of trauma.
So, if you feel like you need to do work – do the work. You don’t have to go it alone, sometimes it’s just better to. Just be careful when you get started.
You won’t look at people in your life the same way again.
And oddly enough. The one person I really want to talk to, is one that I left behind, because I was told he wasn’t good for my mental health. And yet, I miss our nightly chats and flirting the most.
How can shadow work be so therapeutic, rewarding, needed, and yet so fucking lonely at the same time?