It’s Friday and spring is in the air, but I’m having some difficulties finding motivation today. I need to clean. Do some shopping. Fix a toilet. And later, go see my dad. But meh. I’m putzing around online and wasting time – again.
The sun is shining and the birds were outside my window chirping. There are tiny little worms in my bathroom – so that means spring is nigh. The days are longer and the sun goes down around 6:30 or 7:30 pm depending on the day. And that is so nice to see. The mornings are still a bit chilly, so it’s not quite dress weather — yet.
A couple of nights ago, I was having a low night and fighting my lizard brain. Thoughts about polyamorous relationships kept me up and I had an epiphany of sorts.
It was mostly the feeling that I’m a temporary visitor when it comes to entering a poly-family. My partner is married and she has a second partner. That partner, has two other partners he is involved in.
The thought of how many people will be affected by what happens in my partnership – was quite humbling. And now, I’m treading carefully when it comes to emotions. Trying to not get too attached too early on. The relationship is still new and we’re still feeling each other out. But when you talk to someone daily and wake up to “good morning” texts – it’s difficult.
But my partner assured me yesterday morning – and this is what’s great about him. He puts up with my lizard brain and stupid thoughts that just put negative doubt in my head.
He told me, “We see you on the outside looking in, and open our doors for you.” And honestly, it was one of the sweetest things a partner has ever said. It was the reassurance, I didn’t know I needed to hear.
Blocking, unblocking is a form of manipulation and attempt to control
A former “friend” unblocked me and reblocked me this week on Fetlife. I find it hilarious and sad at once. That’s when I realized that there are a lot of manipulative people in the scene. Doing this – it’s manipulation. They’re trying to get your attention, hoping that you will reach out. And I refuse to play those games. I also refuse to keep quiet on my own experiences.
While I don’t point fingers, or say things to purposefully hurt others, I don’t hold back either.
A person doesn’t respect you, if they don’t respect your boundaries. And I learned that the hard way, once I tried imposing my own set of values and boundaries. The more firm you are with people, they just walk away, or block you all together.
I’m the type of person that doesn’t block people I cared about or thought were friends. Heck, even my ex isn’t blocked and my bff’s at the time wanted me to block him.
I just find it funny. I’m losing “friends” still — even though, I’m mostly keeping to myself. Making new connections and relationships. So, the only thing I can surmise, is what’s being said in private conversations where I’m not around to defend myself.
For Ostara and spring, I think I will be working on banishing negative energy and toxic people from my life. Not an easy task. But I have plans for spring. I want to get out more. Explore the trails more. Go for walks. Go to garage sales and flea markets.
Basically just start living again. Maybe even attend a concert, or event again. Maybe eventually, meet up with new friends in person and perhaps, even meet a local partner.
But all in good time.
It’s been a week – and I’m glad the weekend is here.