Thanksgiving came and went and I opted to not do my annual gratitude post. While I have a lot of people in my life that I’m grateful for, I’m not feeling particular thankful right now. My emotions have been all over the map and there are reasons for that.
My LDR connection is still going but it’s becoming really hard at times. I’ve been given permission to go ahead and make other connections locally and have met a couple of men that I am getting to know. Kink is weird sometimes. The Boss in charge has to approve my partners and that’s hard for him too. It’s hard for me waiting for them to chat, feel each other out and get to know each other too. I don’t want to share too much about my LDR as he’s a private person and that would seem disrespectful.
So… just know. It’s still going. Six months in. And it’s still really fucking hard sometimes because of the distance.
There are some in the community that don’t want these connections to happen. Ex partners on both sides for one. Although for me, it wasn’t really an ex partner. It was someone I got to know over the summer, hooked up with a couple of times – and now he’s trying to manipulate me and control me, even though I went no contact with him. And honestly, I’m getting SO fucking tired of it all.
It started off with love bombing my content after going no contact with him. I didn’t hear anything for a couple of months. Then all of a sudden, when I started getting out to events, he showed interest again and started up with the flirting. Which I either shot down, or ignored while still being polite. The last thing I want to do is burn bridges in a somewhat small and sometimes incestuous-like community.
Then the snide remarks started happening. And when I started openly engaging with one man who is a mutual friend, the comments turned spiteful and this person started tagging my new friend in them.
Like wtf? Who does that? We’re not even an official couple of anything like that. It’s just friendship, getting to know each other. Feeling each other out. Having difficult conversations. Spending time together. It’s NOT a full blown relationship and the other thing…
It’s no one else’s fucking business who I’m friends with or invite into my home.
This morning out of the blue, I get a message saying, “I hope you know my posts aren’t about you.” Like what?
I know they probably are. He made some kind of status update about integrity and people bad mouthing him behind is back. I ignored that one too and unfriended him that day.
Then after sending me a message today, he makes another vague post about how people “think they are bigger than they really are.”
This is petty petty little man behaviour here. It’s classic gaslighting and narcissistic tactics to get a reaction out of me. Only he stopped getting a rise out of me a while ago. He’s just making himself look more sad as time goes on.
The one things with narcs is — they HATE being ignored.
They will do anything they can to get your attention. Then when you finally give it to them, they sucker you in and play with your feelings all over again. Only this guy is smart. He’s doing it in such a vague and subtle way – that no one suspects anything.
And I refuse to give him what he’s searching for.
Every post I make, he thinks it’s about him. When it’s not. Like hey. I have more than one relationship in my life. I have problems of my own that have NOTHING to do with you.
But narcs don’t see that. They make everything about themselves.
And so… that’s kind of where I am right now in life.
Learning to recognize abusive behaviours early on. Taking risks and getting to know new people. Healthier people who seem to have it together. Or at least they are wiling to openly discuss their feelings, limits and boundaries in a way that took me by total surprise.
Dinner the other night was fabulous, and it was one of the healthier discussions I’ve had in years with a potential partner. And…. I really like the guy too.
So, I’ll just keep on doing what I’m doing. Writing daily. Working on art. Keeping busy and active. I have a social I’m going tonight. Both men will be in the same room and that should be…interesting. But I’ll have my friends with me and I know they’ve got my back.
Hope your week is going well. I”ll get back to writing on a more regular basis soon.
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