Category Archives: self development

What is crumbing in relationships

This is a newer term for me, and I really wish that twenty-something me had learned about it and also exercised my right to stand up for what I deserved. I spent far too many years chasing love when there wasn’t love to be found. Chasing the wrong guys who were just bad for me too.

The term breadcrumbing is when your partner or someone you have been in a “situationship” with, feeds you just enough attention to keep you interested.

The first few months together might feel hot and heavy. You start off talking daily, throughout the day. They can hardly wait to check in with you. They are sincere in their communication and offer their support.

They might even buy you things and you gifts you didn’t ask for. I don’t think this makes them a bad person, but sometimes, it can be a manipulation tactic.

Over time, you may notice that communication starts to drop off. They stop making plans or dates and conversations become farther apart and in between.

Maybe you try talking to your partner as you notice they have become distant. They use excuses like they have been busy with work, or the kids, or have other engagements – that don’t involve.

It gets to the point, that it feels like you are being strung along. Attempts at talking about the issue are often outright ignored. I know for myself, I used phrasing like:

“I feel as though you are pulling away from me more and more. This concerns me. Can we schedule some time to talk about it when you’re not busy, and we can have uninterrupted time?”

This question was glossed over and eventually dropped all together. I said it again, about a week later. And it was dropped, yet again.

Sometimes it will get to the point where the relationship just starts to fizzle out. You wonder if it was your fault or you did something wrong. You start thinking maybe you were too needy.

But nah. You expressed your clearly early on in the relationships. You discussed emotional needs. You both agreed that this was obtainable. It was doable. And energy was matched – for months.

Then there comes a day when resentment kicks in. You start pulling back in response to their breadcrumbing. You start feeling angry at being neglected. You plead for them to take it seriously, but they don’t.

Until finally…

You’re left with no choice but to say…

“This isn’t working for me anymore.”

Never settle for less than you deserve. Don’t fall for the breadcrumbs. If someone wants you in their life, they would make the effort. It’s that easy. They would make you a priority.

And sometimes, it’s just better to let go, before the relationship turns toxic, and you start to hate each other. Because, I’ve been there too.

Things like being ghosted, ignored and breadcrumbed can really hurt. But YOU, deserve way more than you think.

Love this post? Subscribe for related content

Cold winter day thoughts and activities

It’s a bitterly cold day here in my city as we reached down to -36C with the windchill. Doesn’t matter where you are in the world, that’s really cold and we have been spoiled until now with unusually warm weather.

I’m trying to get into the habit of writing a little bit every day, and realized I haven’t posted in a while here. I’m using my other journal on Fetlife more for those low days. And luckily, there haven’t been too many lows periods as of late.

That’s partially due to the fact that I have a new online family I’ve joined. It just sort of happened. None of us was really looking for it. But the more we flirted back and forth and started chatting about life events, the more things kind of clicked and it felt right.

I won’t go into a lot of details here. But it’s nice to have that daily connection again and the power exchange. Someone checking in daily to see how I’m doing and making sure I stay on top of all my tasks. Not that I need it ,but sometimes I procrastinate – and it’s nice to have the “right kind of motivation”.

Honestly, I’m not used to being treated like a priority in life and it scares me. I’m using to being third or fourth down the line. Last night, I had a bit of a trauma response when he mentioned a family issue came up. And my instant response was, “Not again. I’m going to get the shaft and be ousted.” But then, I reminded myself after a little cry, that this was my response to a previous relationship. This man has made no promises, has not hurt me in anyway, has not lied and has treated me like gold. And I need to learn to keep my responses in check. Now, if you’ve been following me for any length of time – you’d understand at what a breakthrough that is for me in terms of relationships.

Old me would have just found an excuse to run or sabotage in some way. Fight or flight mode that comes with anxiety. Abandonment anxiety that stems back over two decades from bad partners.

And so, I put on my big girl pants last night, as he says, and admitted my initial reaction. He confirmed what I suspected – that this had nothing to do with me and he would always let me know where I stand.

I can’t tell you – the level of relief that brings me. While the anxiety is still there in the background, it always is, it’s less. And this relationship is like night and day.

I know, I know. Charmeine, you said you wouldn’t get into another long distance relationship. I know, I’m flogging myself for it too.

But… it’s good. On all parts. We all get along. And we both agree nothing serious, no real serious dynamic. No collaring. None of that. Just – it is what it is.

And honestly. It’s like night and day. I feel like I can breathe.

Today was a pretty good day after no sleep for 32 hours. I slept in. Had a nice breakfast. Got some much needed cleaning done and the bedding is in the wash. I got a workout. And now, I’m going to heat up some leftovers for dinner, and spend the evening writing. The fireplace is on and I’m drinking a freshly brewed pot of coffee.

I’m back to reading a little daily and am on my second book of the year. It’s part of Kate Anslinger’s murder mystery series – McKenna Mystery.

It’s quite good and an easy way to get back into reading.

My book is coming along and I’m determined to get this draft done by the end of the month. Time is slipping and I need to work fast.

I’m finally feeling more like my usual self. A bit mouthy, a bit bratty, opinionated, but also, working on letting go of past hurts and learning from past mistakes. After all, isn’t that what life is all about?

So, for today, for this week – life is pretty good at the moment. How’s your week going?

Today’s quote:

Stay tuned – I’ll have more spiritual posts coming your way. The next big celebration will be Spring Equinox in March and the full moon on March 7th!

Love posts like this? Want to know what else I’m reading? Make sure to subscribe to this blog!

So, I might be neurodivergent?

I’ve been wondering this for a while now. My struggles with attending community events or even being in public in general. Never used to be this way. In my 20’s, I was a fairly social creature. I went to all the events I could afford or travel to. Now, I maybe go to five a year.

A conversation this morning online has me questioning it yet again. I also completed the Myers-Brigg personality test and scored the rarest score – INFP – highly introverted and intuitive. The discussion connected INFP types to neurodivergents and well, it got me thinking.

My therapist diagnosed me with generalized anxiety disorder last year at a DSM level 5. Symptoms were exasperated by my employer. One of the catalysts that sent me into disability life. One of many reasons. I’m getting used to it.

I’m a gen X’er. Which means, we didn’t talk about mental health issues when we were kids. My mother repeatedly threatened to send me to therapy because I spent so much time alone as a kid in my room reading. I couldn’t read enough. I’ve always been a recluse, a hermit and loner. Friendships are hard for me at times. The other excuse was that my siblings were buttheads and there was a lot of bullying in the household.

They still kind of are at times. I only engage with them about issues with my dad, or my brand new baby niece who I am in love with.

But the bullying was traumatizing both physical and emotional. Emotional damage for years that would even induce nightmares about haunted dolls, and clowns.

Anyway…shudder. I don’t need those dreams.

We didn’t talk about mental health issues. I’m only now just connecting the dots through shadow work and her detailed journals, that my mother struggled with high functioning anxiety and depression too. There was a lot of stress in the house. And I would grow up to later have cortisol issues which causes fight or flight mode. On a loop. It’s exhausting.

So, why do I think I might be neurodivergent?

Well, we didn’t have terms like this when I was involved in the scene many years ago. I’m learning new terms all the time. And more neuro type folks that I met and befriended, the more I went… Huh.

And then I had a lightbulb moment.

Am I neurodivergent?

Let’s see how many behaviors apply to me. My therapist would cringe at this. She hates when people self-diagnose themselves.

Struggling to read and write – no. But holding a pen or pencil is painful for me. Most written communication is on the computer for that reason.

Clumsiness? Shit yeah, you should see the bruises on my legs.

Hard to cope with crowds, bright lights, noise, physical sensations? Yes! Even the sound of crunching snow under my feet drives me crazy.

Difficulties focusing? Can’t sit still? I mean, there’s a reason I’m on fetlife a lot these days. Distraction.

No smiling? Or social responsiveness? To a point. I do better 1 to 1 or in really small group settings where I know the people well. I attended a group event this fall and sat there literally chewing my fingernails. The anxiety about saying the wrong thing was surreal. And it was a small and intimate group.

Personality traits: I am sometimes blunt but don’t meant to be rude or hurtful. People don’t like that much. I mask when needed but I hate doing it. I’ve always kind of done my own thing and often don’t fit into communities.

When it came to school, I was never a good student. Classes bored me. I learned way too late in life that I learned better by actually DOING things. Math and science – my brain couldn’t compute. But language, music, arts, crafts, were my jam. Areas where I could express myself freely.

ADHD is also linked to hypermobility which is the main cause behind my chronic pain and injuries. Same with anxiety. Constant fight or flight mode. Throw in insomnia and other issues too. Sometimes I’m not fun to be around.

So, am I neurodivergent or is it something else? I don’t know. But the more people I interact with who are – it seems, the better we tend to get along and make friends fast with. I guess time will only tell.

What’s your neurodivergent story? How did you get diagnosed?

Love this post? Consider subscribing for more content like this

What is mirroring in relationships?

A discussion came up today during a therapy session when I explained a situation that I was faced with. Without giving details here, she said:

“It sounds like this person mirrored your behavior and when you hit a depression and life stopped being fun, they moved on.”

Have you ever met someone who was so much like you in early stages of the relationships that you couldn’t help but feel like you were soul mates? Or maybe it seemed too good to be true.

Some people you click with naturally, but sometimes – people are mirroring your behaviors.

Why do people do this?

That’s a good question. It may be that people lack confidence or awareness into who they are. Or they admire you and want to be like you. Or the darker aspect of mirroring – it can be a manipulation tactic to win you over. To gain your trust. And then a few months down the road, the flip will switch and you start to see that they aren’t the person you once knew at all.

On the toxic side of mirroring, it may be that the person is so miserable with their life that they can’t help it. They might not be aware of what they are doing. While others are very aware and use this to “infiltrate” the other person’s life. And sometimes, they are so good at what they do – it works.

I’ve lost friends over this. But I’m also fiercely protective over those long-term relationships and friendships and will do what I can to keep them safe.

What is mirroring?

Mirroring is matching the other’s persons behavior. Whether it is the way they speak, their mannerisms, they way they dress, the things they’re interested in, even down to body posture when together in person.

Sometimes mirroring happens when you spend a lot of time together. I’ve noticed, that sometimes I will adopt phrases that a partner or friend uses. Or we repeat the same jokes. You get the drill. Or you start loving their hobbies and interests, just to spend time with them.

This is also why I stayed in relationships that weren’t good for me, for far too long and often wound up hurt when they ended.

Is mirroring a toxic behavior?

Not always. The other person may not be aware of what they are doing. While other times, mirroring can be a way to gain your trust early on and make you feel as though you are the most important person. That you’re a rare bird and a rare catch. That your connection is like nothing else they have ever experienced before.

This is a form of manipulation that often presents itself months down the road. It may be easy to catch early on, but some people are good at masking and hiding who they really are.

I know I’ve done this in the past with people. I don’t think it was intentional. I would change myself for partners. Until I did some shadow work to determine core values and started imposing boundaries and limits that were for me.

This also changed relationships for me. While there are still things I struggle with – like trust and anxiety, I’m getting better at recognizing toxic traits early on. But some people can still fool you. I also really recognize toxic traits in myself, that I am trying to unlearn.

What about mirroring in romantic relationships?

Sometimes in romantic partnerships or connections, you can mirror each other’s feelings. This is especially true if you are an empathetic person. I know that for me, my emotional state often depends on how the other person is feeling. Or how they interact with me.

Relationships are harder for me, because I notice everything. Even if communication changes in the slightest, I need more reassurance more than the average person. It can honestly be exhausting. I’m learning as much as I miss things like intimacy, I’m often better off single.

If my moods are that dependent on the way someone else treats me, then maybe that person or relationship isn’t the right one for me.

New relationship energy or mirroring?

New relationships energy can also complicate things. Some call it the honeymoon stage. Everything is shiny and new. You want things to be perfect. But relationships aren’t perfect. They’re meant to have challenges and lessons so that we can all learn and grow from them.

While mirroring early on in relationships can be a useful tool, over time, learning to recognize your partner’s needs and emotions should come naturally to you.

You’re allowed to feel what you want in the present moment. You’re allowed to have a difference of opinions. You don’t have to match or agree on every subject or challenge that might come along.

This is part of life. Part of what being in a relationship is. The best connections are those that you can learn from and help each other grow. And also, when you’re there for each other during low points in life.

Something I really learned this year is:

Be wary of people who seem too good to be true early on. If they use language like “you’re important to me” in the first weeks of conversation, this is a red flag for me.

It’s one thing to click naturally and have a lot in common, but trust me when I say – you won’t match on everything. And if you do, maybe it’s time to step back and figure out who you really are and what makes you tick.

Because copying someone, making friends with all of their friends, and then ditching that initial relationship? That’s just hurtful to the ones you leave behind. And yes, I’ve had this happen a few times.

One person just ghosted me without an explanation, after chatting for months on end. All day. Every day. I wound up blocking her on all platforms when I learned she was hitting up my partner at the time. That’s not cool. That’s taking mirroring TOO far.

Some people do this. They see you living the life they want for themselves, and try and take yours over, while pushing you out. I’ve lost some friends to this over the years. And sometimes, you just drift apart as new people come in.

Good relationships take time to develop. Build on them. Go slowly.

Have you ever been mirrored by someone? Or have you caught yourself mirroring someone else? If so, let me know in the comments what happened.

Love this post? Please consider subscribing. I write a lot.

Related Posts