Category Archives: spiritual

mindfulness, spiritual

Working with intentions instead of resolutions

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I’m not a fan of making resolutions at the start of a new year. Resolutions are easy to forget and give up on. Many people often make goals or lists that are unattainable or unrealistic. Or they lose momentum and motivation within the first month of the year.

A good example of this, is how many people buy gym memberships in January and start training, only to quit after a month or two. As someone who prefers home workouts, I’ve never understood this mentality. It just sets you up for failure.

A few years ago, I started off the new year by making a list of goals that I want to achieve. Sometimes, I’ll break the goals down from month to month or I’ll assign deadlines which help keep me motivated.

This year – I’m trying something new and letting go of old habits. Instead, I want to focus on INTENTION – and what that means for me.

What does the word intention mean?

That’s a good question. Intention is one with cause and effect. It determines the outcome of any situation. If you’re stuck, and not moving forward in life, you need to check the thought and action that created your current situation.

Creating a list of intentions for you to focus on – may help you get “unstuck”.

As part of mindfulness and healing, I sat down and asked myself some hard questions this past week. This is part of shadow work – something I’ll write more about later. It’s a form of deep healing that some people do to let go of trauma bonds and emotional grief or disappointments.

Some questions that came up for me were:

  • What are some things I want to accomplish this year?
  • What are things that will help improve the quality of my life?
  • What are things that bring me the most joy?
  • What are some areas that I can improve on?
  • What did I learn last year, that I can carry on to this year?

These questions will help me determine goals that I want to set for myself and aspire to. Instead of focusing on negative, I’m looking at things (even small things) that will help improve the quality of my life.

What are my intentions for the year?

Now, that’s a very good question. My first intention, is to focus on improving my current state of depression and learning to let go of past hurts. Moving forward with lessons learned from what went wrong last year. The year wasn’t all bad. I made some great new friends and had some amazing first experiences. But – there was also a lot of heartache that I’m still recovering from.

The key is to take lessons from those experiences, so you don’t make the same mistakes twice.

Education and spiritual practices

My main goal this year is education. I want to learn as much as I can, and absorb as much knowledge as I can so that I can share these learnings with you. Areas of focus will include: spiritual practices, languages, arts and crafts and learning more about my ancestry – the Nordic roots.

This means getting back into reading. I’d like to read at least ONE book per month. I think that is a pretty attainable goal.

Improving overall health and wellness

This will happen in various stages through the year. Since Christmas, I’ve mostly been catching up on sleep after months of serious sleep deprivation. It means, trying to regulate my sleep patterns.

This means continuing to eat healthy, cook more meals and stock up the freezer for summer months with meals that can be reheated. This means sitting outside more on warmer days and using the balcony daily in warmer months. This means going for nature walks as my knees allow for it. Going for coffee with friends. Attending workshops and events that will help me connect with likeminded people and make new friends.

Practicing daily mindfulness

This means writing more – here in this blog and in my journals. Researching new topics to cover and track my moods. Practice daily gratitude and mindfulness techniques so that I can appreciate the here and now -and what I do have, rather than focusing on what was lost.

Working with my hands

Part of the issue of not working, is that I have a lot of time on my hands. I’m not able to hold down a job due to physical disabilities. The pain is too much at times from arthritis and fractures that I live with. On those good days where I have good energy, I intend to keep my hands busy. Work on bracelets, artwork and create digital products for Etsy. This is a hobby for now. It brings me joy and keeps the mind distracted.

Learning new skills would be helpful so that I can expand my current capabilities in jewelry making. I’d love to make necklaces and sell them to friends.

Staying connected

This is a hard one for me. When I hit depression, or low periods, as I call them, I just do not have the energy or stamina to be around people. I need time on my own to recharge. This often means losing friends and or unintentionally pushing people away.

Something I need to work on is repairing those connections that went awry – and that are meaningful to me. Staying in touch with friends that I want in my life. And – opening up my heart again to the possibility of new friends. This might be the most challenging thought of ALL.

Live with intent and follow up on actions

I think that’s a pretty good list. I try and keep intentions or goals to 3-5 for the year. I tend to revisit my list each month and create a progress report for friends to read if they’re interested.

My main goal is to live with intention. Follow up on promised actions. Make amends. And heal. However that looks from month to month, we’ll just have to wait and see what comes up this year.

One thing I do believe in is – the energy you put out there, often comes back at you. The three fold rule of attraction. I’m working on hard on trying to attract only good things and people in my life. While not tearing down those who may be struggling as well.

What are your intentions for the upcoming year? Let me know in the comments!

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Thank you for reading! Yes, I’m writing almost daily now and have a lot of ideas and ways to improve this blog. I want to make this a place where people can come for uplifting and messages of support, while sharing my experiences with emotional abuse and toxic relationships. I also want to document my healing journey, and what I’m learning through this process to help inspire others.

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moonology, spiritual

Wolf Moon Rituals: Healing and letting go

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This coming Friday, January 6th, is a significant day for spiritual folk as we will shift into a new moon cycle. But it isn’t just the first full moon of the year – this moon is also called Wolf Moon.

What is a Wolf Moon you might ask?

The Wolf Moon is named after the wolves that howl during long winter nights. Howls are wolves way of communicating with each other. The moon takes a more northerly trek across the night sky. It appears opposite to the sun and will be above the horizon longer than any month of the year.

Spiritually speaking, it is thought that the Wolf Moon is a time for deep self-reflection and retrospect. But. I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. Almost too much. And so for me, I’m going to use this time to focus on healing energies, boosting up my lacking energy, and thinking about what I want out of the coming year.

Reflect on those in your life who are part of your pack. Those you wish to remain close to. Work on healing those relationships that need mending. Check in on those friends who may be struggling.

It’s a time to focus on yourself. If life is chaotic as it often is, find a peaceful spot in nature or in your home that brings you peace. Spend some time alone and meditate. Reconnect with natural elements. Find a spot, if you’re lucky enough to, near water. Collect a jar of water and leave it out in the moon. Have a bath with it to help recharge your soul.

The Wolf Moon also falls on a Friday which is a good day to focus on beauty, love, sex, friendships and connections. Friday is ruled by Freya, the Nordic Venus, the Goddess of Love.

If you’re an artist or crafter, make something. Work with your hands. If you’re a singer or musician, sing, play or dance.

It is believed that full moons can have effects on humans. People report having difficulties sleeping, increased REM and “crazy” dream experiences. Those in retail or emergency services will be the first to tell you that on nights of the full moon, hospitals and places of business can become chaotic.

In some cases, it can bring on or exasperate symptoms of anxiety, depression and other mood disorders. Which is why meditating and grounding yourself can be so helpful on these nights.

Colors: aqua, light greens, cyan blue and pink (think pastels)
Elements: Libra, Taurus
Crystals: rose quartz, jade, malachite, emerald

Go be one with nature if you can. Reconnect with your natural surroundings. And howl at the moon if you must.

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Artisans & Herbalists: YouTube recommendations

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As I’m working towards becoming spiritually reconnected to the elements (nature), I discovered some really fantastic YouTube channels of likeminded individuals. These videos are so esthetically pleasing, with soothing music and narration. I thought I would share these creators here with you. For those who are on a similar path of healing and spiritual reprieve as I am.

It’s not uncommon to retreat into Hermit mode while you are working on releasing trauma bonds, or letting go of past hurts. Just don’t over do it. It can lead to a serious depression like I hit. I’m turning to other sources of entertainment and using writing and artwork to help me out of this slump.

The Cottage Fairy

Paola Merrill is an artist, teacher and creator also known as The Cottage Fairy. She lives in rural Washington State (think Twilight movies) and makes videos about her daily life. She works with wild flowers, herbs and spends lots of time in her kitchen. She is also an author and works in a bookstore, while running her own Etsy shop.

I love watching her videos later at night when I’m trying to wind down. They are so soothing and her voice will relax you too. She talks a lot about the introverted life and that’s something I can really identify with.

The Green Witch

Annabel Margaret is a what’s known as a Green Witch, someone that works with natural herbs, elements and medicines for healing. She is an aspiring herbalist and many of her videos detail how to work with oils, dried herbs and even how to make wholistic items like candles. As a witch, Annabel also reads tea leaves and shares other divination practices on her channel.

What I love about her videos, is the overall feel and ambience. Her home is lovely and she puts a lot of time into editing her videos and making them look professional. I love her home and her kitchen is such an inspiration. Also, if you love dogs – she has a couple that are featured in some videos!

Jonna Jinton

Jonna is an award winning artist, writer and film maker living in the rural area of northern Sweden. What I love about her videos is the overall vibe, the music which she creates herself, and the amazing Scandinavian scenery. Her channel is quite popular with over 4 million subscribers and she has received prestigious awards for her efforts of chronicling life in Sweden. Her cozy cottage home is something out of a fairy tale and she makes all of her videos feel magical.

She is also a jewelry maker and sells her original creations on her website. You can also follow her blog here https://jonnajintonsweden.com/blog/.

Who are your favorite youtuber or content creators that you’ve discovered in the past year? I’ll be sharing more of my favorite artists in coming weeks. I’m also planning on getting back into reading and will share my books and good reads with you.

Stay tuned as this blog is going through an overhaul and I can’t wait to share this next part of my journey with you.

Thanks for reading and happy new year.

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spiritual

Mother Earth and climate change thoughts

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It’s Thursday afternoon as I write this and my day is just getting started. A restless night and a migraine kept me in bed again until noon. I woke up and my condo was pitch black – I had no idea what time of day it was. It’s still pitch black and kind of eerie. But it’s a good sign. That means we’re getting some much needed rain. Even with all the large windows I have in my place, and with facing the sun, I had to turn a light on midday. Creepy.

Last night around 9:30 pm, I finally went outside. First time in a few days. The smoke has been so bad from the wildfires seemingly coming from all directions – that I couldn’t go outside. I’ve been wheezing and coughing from it. It was such a relief to be able to head outside and enjoy the evening. I even got a few pictures of the red moon which was crazy to see. And just in time too – because a wild thunderstorm with pouring rains started within just minutes of me coming inside.

I think all the time I spent outside these past few months has helped me get back in tune with nature. I seem to be more in sync and somehow able to know when to go inside. Because as soon as I went inside, the lightning started. And it was a wild show too.

So, I did what I always do. I moved my chair closer to the window, opened the balcony door and enjoyed the show. I also recorded a few minutes of the rain so I can use it in a music video later. There’s something so peaceful about listening to the rain as it hits the grass or pavement.

The smoke is a little less today and I have all the windows wide open to let in some fresh air. Though those clouds are a bit worrisome. We’re supposed to get another wicked thunderstorm. I just hope it doesn’t turn into flooding or tornadoes. We’ve been seeing a lot of those pop up all over Canada. The weather has just been bad everywhere.

There’s still flooding in China, Europe and it seems that daily, more videos are popping up extreme weather.

If I learned anything from our Indigenous Elders and grandmothers – it’s this.

Mother Earth is hurting. She is in pain. She has been angry for some time. She is a ticking time bomb. The planet has reset herself many times in the past. I think honestly, she is working on this again. Reclaiming what is hers. We may not see this in our lifetime. But I do worry for future generations.

I think this is why I’ve spent so much time outside, meditating and reconnecting. I can’t travel still due to health and COVID restrictions. But I hope next year, if the weather is more stable, to be able to get back into travel and visit the mountains again. I’ve really missed that.

If you’d like to learn more about the Indigenous teachings, I recommend listening to this wonderful meditation by Michael Looking Coyote. This album has helped me in many ways. You don’t need to be Indigenous to respect their teachings and beliefs. And what I learned from my time with the Elders, is to respect them. For their knowledge of the earth has been passed down from many generations. They want us to learn and to hear what they have to say.

And as they say in the Cree language,

Ninistohten

I understand.

Update: the rain is finally here. It’s pouring. There’s a fantastic breeze coming through and making everything smell fresh and clean. Nothing better than rain – as long as it doesn’t turn into torrential rains!

Another good one to listen to –

We are all connected with Nixiwaka Yawanawa

To learn more of my experiences with the Elders, visit my spiritual page.

Follow blog for more interesting articles like these! I love talking about everything from health, healthy living, weight loss, food, climate change, to spiritual experiences. I feel these are all intertwined and we can’t have one without the other.

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The Celtic Path & Summer Solstice

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It’s 5:30 in the morning on this sunny summery Monday morning. But today isn’t any ordinary day. No, today is a very special day and one that I love celebrating. Or at least – I used to. Back when I was younger, healthier, in better shape and had more energy to do all the things I wanted to do. Like when I first started my journey on the Wiccan path.

Is that I’m calling it now? I guess I am. For now it’s a good label – and you all know how much I detest labels and having to fit myself into one tiny checkbox.

It’s Summer Solstice – one of my favorite spiritual celebrations. It’s celebrated by people from around the world of all religions or practices and has been for thousands of years. I’ve already written a long post about it that I shared last year.

My spiritual path began at an early age I suppose you could say. I’ve always been obsessed with the darker things in life. Horror movies. Horror novels. Even playing spooky games. The darker themed – the better. But as I got older, I realized – the darker life got – the more darkness followed me everywhere I went.

Even in my last condo, it never felt like home. I had zero privacy as I could hear everything my neighbours did. And they could hear everything I did. That’s the trouble with living in the city. I’m not meant for this life. My heart longs to be out in the country or on an acreage close to the mountains. But as long as I’m single, and while my dad is still alive – it’s the city life for me.

Darkness vs. the light.

Isn’t that the epitome of all religions and spiritual practice? I think it’s the one thing most of us have in common. It’s not a battle between good and evil. It’s a battle of light and dark. This is why we celebrate Summer Solstice. It’s the longest day of the year. The light beats the darkness for a few more hours.

Ethnic backgrounds

I know I’ve talked a lot about the Danish side of my family over the years in running this blog. But did I ever mention my mother’s side of the family? No? Well – you’re in for a ride here.

My mother was born in London, England. I believe her mother was English as well. Her nickname was Tupsey. I never got to meet her as she died a year after my mom and dad got married. On “Tupsey’s” side of the family, she had French, a little tiny bit of Indian. That’s according to my mom anyway. My sister had a DNA test done about ten years ago and was stunned to learn that we had 2% German in our blood. And also, 2% Neanderthal. That actually explains a lot. There was no Indian in the DNA – so I’m not sure how accurate that is about the Indian background.

Now on my grandfather’s side of the family – we have strong ties to Ireland. Which I think explains my love for all things Celtic. I can’t get enough of movies like Lord of the Rings, Ever After, etc. And I listen to Celtic music. A lot. Like, a lot. Even my mom or rather, “mum”, had a zest for Irish drinking songs and would make up her own lyrics for family events that would get the party started. Songs like Irish Rover and my grandfather’s favorite to sing, Danny Boy.

I mean, this lady is pure magic. We even drove one year for three hours to see her perform in Calgary.

My grandfather John, once told me that we had a family member named “Dulac” who was beheaded during the French Revolution. I really wish I had asked him more questions about this. Because trying to find someone in the 1700’s by the name of Dulac, is like trying to find someone named Smith in the US today. It’s an impossible feat. And sadly, there’s no one left in the family to ask. I wish I had asked my mum all these questions before she died – but you never think of these things when it’s important.

I feel strong ties to the Irish side. I feel like maybe, in another life, I might have even lived in Ireland. That’s a story for another day. I’ve had vivid dreams of having long flowing red hair, wearing a green dress and dancing in a barn around a fire with a boy named – James. Yes. The same James that I dated off and on for 20 years. Was it just a dream? I don’t know. But it FELT real.

Ireland is a place I’ve always wanted to visit. It’s on my bucket list of places to see. And Celtic music. I can’t begin to describe what I feel when I listen to the Celtic harp and flute. It feels like “home” to me. Isn’t that strange? For a country or place you’ve never been to? And it can feel more like home, than where home actually is?

Spiritual Path

Why is this all important and what does it have to do with Summer Solstice? I think last night was a turning point for me and I made a real break through in my spiritual journey. I’ve struggled for a long time with sticking to one practice or one belief system. I liked to “bounce” around. Or as James called it, “the nomad life”. I hated labels and wanted to learn as much as I could about various practices and religions.

Over the years, but more so in my early twenties, I read everything I could get my hands on at the time. I bought all kinds of books on Wicca, Witchcraft and Shamanism. While I really love the principles of Shamanism, with all the things happening around the residential schools – I feel like maybe I should learn more about my heritage and cultural ties to the spiritual world.

I really detest labels – so last night, while thinking of things to do for Summer Solstice celebrations – I made a list of all the things I love about each practice. I thought about how I could combine them all into one. Or maybe I could just take aspects of all three and keep on with what I’m doing? There is so much to consider.

I found some great videos on YouTube from younger witches who reminded me this:

Forget the labels. Practice what you feel drawn to. Learn as much as you can about it. Meditate often. And remember karma. What you put it out into the world, comes back at you. If you are constantly dwelling in negative and dark thoughts, then you’ll attract only darkness in return.

That was a lightbulb moment for me – and I literally went – A-ha!

That’s why things are always spiraling for me. And so, I spent the night doing all the things I love doing and have missed doing. Why? Because I was so afraid of what my family or coworkers would think of me if I openly practiced “the craft.” They had mocked me in the past for wearing crystals and gasp, a Pentagram. That one caused a lot of stirs at family events.

I even got a “you know the Devil believes in you” talk from my family doctor, which I thought was really inappropriate.

But the crazy thing was, other people like me – would nod, wink and say, “Nice,” because they knew who I was – and what I was into.

And now I realize that the reason I always feel at war with myself – is because I am. And I need to fix that. I need to become — “whole again”.

For the record, the pentagram isn’t evil. It’s a symbol. It’s a star. It represents the five elements of the earth. Much like the Indigenous medicine wheel. North, east, south, west. Earth, air, fire, water. Wicca is a very spiritual practice and can focus a lot on earth magic. Working with natural elements to achieve — whatever your heart’s desire. Usually through meditations, prayer, and manifestations.

Yes, there are some people who abuse the craft and give it a bad name. Hollywood embellishes things and ridicules what they do not know.

For me – the craft is meditation, creating music, exercising and getting healthy, working with crystals, using herbs like in teas and cooking, getting out more in nature and helping others on their spiritual paths as well.

I need to find some way to combine my love for herbs, crystals, divination, writing, music and everything – with my Celtic heritage. And so, today marks a new beginning. A new journey. A new chapter in my life.

One that I’ll call – The Celtic Path.

Summer Solstice Rituals

And so, I tried a bunch of new things last night to ring in Summer Solstice. Today, I feel – lighter. Happier. At peace almost. It’s a serene sort of feeling. I feel renewed. Energized. I know the universe has been sending me all these messages but maybe now I’m finally listening to them.

I started the night off by watching a few newer videos on YouTube. While doing that, I made some really pretty crystal decorations to hang in my window. Working with gems or crystals can help to brighten up your home and ward off negative energy. I am hoping to hit flea markets this year to stock up on crystals to keep around the house too. I have a few – but they’re just so beautiful. (pictures to come – they’re “charging” right now)

I’m also charging some water which I’ve put out on the balcony. This is new to me. You are supposed to let the water sit in a bottle or jar and charge in the sun for 24 hours. Today is important, because it’s the longest day of the year. The most sunlight. And that’s true, because I saw the sunrise at 4:15 am this morning.

I sat outside and it was so cold. One of the best things you can do on this day is to go out and connect with nature. Go for a drive in the country. Go for a hike. Go for a swim in the ocean. Or just meditate in your backyard.

I just sat on my bench and listened to the birds chirp. And the world was quiet for just a few moments before traffic started up again.

Summer Solstice or Midsommer (the Danish way) – is often celebrated with a large bonfire, some tasty meade, hearty food, fruits, vegetables, music and fellowship.

If you don’t have these things – then simply light a few candles. Or go outside and do some gardening, pick some herbs, bake some blueberry bread or a honey cake.

Get together with your close friends. Your family. Your tribe.

Today is a day for celebration. And I’m so glad I could share this with you all.

“Merry meet and merry part, bright the cheeks and warm the heart”

There aren’t many recorded celebrations that I can find — so here’s an enjoyable video of a Druid Ceremony. I think I just added another item to my never ending bucket list.

Follow blog to join me as I embark on this spiritual path.

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Spiritual Guidance: Am I on the right path?

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It’s been a while since I got out my Tarot cards. I’m badly in need of a new deck. One of these days, I will wander out to a bookstore to see what I can find.

A friend told me recently we should never do readings for ourselves. I disagree with this. I often turn to the cards or healing runes when meditation doesn’t provide me with enough guidance. While I don’t necessarily connect to my deck (it’s really old), it does provide me some insight into difficult decisions and situations.

I thought I would share this reading with you. I’m typing this as I read the cards.

Today we’re doing a 5 card spread and I am using an older Witches Tarot deck.

1st card: Princess of Wands

Meaning: inspiration, ideas, discovery, free-spirit, spirituality

Card position: present – current situation

You embrace the opportunity to start out on a new path. You may not have a plan in place, but you know deep down this is what you want to do. You are ready for the change. You may experience creative restlessness or a sudden burst of ideas and energy. Now would be a good time to make a list of goals and aspirations and come up with a plan of action to achieve those goals. This card may also signify that your spirit guides may be trying to get your attention. This might appear in the form of signs, or pattern numbers like 111, 11:11, 222, 444 and so on. Or maybe your favorite song plays on the radio when you get in your car. Or you think of someone right before they contact you. The world is going through a global awakening. The feeling might be so strong that you feel like your guides are even “tugging” on your arm and pulling towards the path you are meant to take.

2nd card: The High Priest

Meaning: spiritual wisdom, religious beliefs, traditions

Card position: what you already know about the situation

The High Priest or Hierophant, is depicted as a wise and older man who is known as the teacher. He is a religious figure with two fingers pointing towards heaven and the earth. This card represents a set of spiritual values or beliefs that you may have been brought up with in your life by your parents or relatives. The High Priest encourages you to learn fundamental principles from a trusted guide or source.

If you are wanting to become more spiritual, or leading towards a spiritual journey, then this card is signaling that you may want to find a mentor or teacher to teach you the basics of whatever practice you are interested in. However, if you are already experienced in this field, then you may have a desire to teach others what you know.

I find this really interesting as this is what I feel my path is leading me to. I would love to be a spiritual coach or help others begin their spiritual journeys through what I have learned on mine.

If family traditions are important to you, you are being asked to practice in its most wholesome form. No adaptations. This is interesting too because I’ve been torn between Shamanism and Wicca. I think this means I need to stick to one practice.

You may feel a longing to be surrounded by others who are on the same spiritual path or awakening as you are. You want to learn from them. And experience things for yourself.

3rd card – Ace of Wands

Meaning: inspiration, new opportunities, potential growth

Card position: divine wisdom – sage advice

This is interesting as this card is usually my “yes” card when I ask yes or no answers. I don’t think I’ve ever pulled this card in a reading before.

This card is giving you a gentle nudge to follow your heart and live your passion. If you are feeling that strong “tug” on your shoulder or arm, the Ace of Wands is giving you that permission to follow your dreams.

You can start off small and work your way up. If you’re working full time, maybe you can cut back to part-time hours and start a side business until your business has grown and can provide stable income. Or if you are in a financial position to do so, now may be the time to think about an exit strategy from your job. Just remember not to burn any bridges if you decide to leave.

This card, like all readings, provides guidance and a gentle nudge. It is NOT a guarantee that things will work out for you. Therefore, the divine wisdom with this reading is to take caution. Have a plan.

Trust in the divine to lead you on the right path.

4th card – Three of Swords

Meaning: heartbreak, emotional pain, sorrow, grief, hurt

Card position: general advice to consider

If you are experiencing loss, or grief, you are not alone. This card signals that you have been deeply hurt and disappointed by someone you trusted. Whether it was a romantic partner or someone at work who purposely inflicted pain and suffering (bullying, harassment). This pain may not be new. It might be something you have struggled with for quite some time.

Pulling this card is a reminder that you are in need of emotional release. Now is a good time to reflect on what went wrong and allow yourself to heal. If you need a good cry, then cry. If you need a hug, then find someone to hug you.

Your emotions may seem overwhelming. As many others are experiencing a spiritual awakening this year, just realize that you are not alone with these feelings. Now is the time to accept the hurt and start letting go of it.

Pain, sorrow, grief – these are natural stages that we all experience in our lives. This card may be telling you that need more help. Whether it’s from a therapist, psychologist or a spiritual healer – that is up to you to decide.

Remember the saying, “this too shall pass”. Allow yourself to feel grief, but know that light will come your way as soon as you let it.

5th card – Five of Cups

Meaning: regret, disappointment, self-forgiveness

Card position: outcome – next steps

I had to laugh when I pulled this card last. Earlier tonight, I asked my spirit guides to pick a yes and no card for me. And the Five of Cups is now my new yes card. So, I think that’s a really good sign for this reading.

This card represents that you may be feeling disappointed or resentment because a situation didn’t turn out the way you hoped. You may be wallowing in self-pity and focusing on all the things that went wrong, instead of focusing on how you can make things better or learn from this.

If you are stuck in the past and can’t let go, the Five of Cups is encouraging you to move on with your life. Let go of the situation or person that caused you pain (within reason of course).

Even if things are disappointing to you now – as the rest of the reading has showed – new opportunities are on the horizon. Continue to explore your spiritual path. Follow your dreams. Pursue your passions. Surround yourself with likeminded individuals who want similar things out of life. Get rid of the negativity.

Welcome light and positivity into your life.

And if you can’t let go of the hurt, then use this as a teaching or learning moment. Write about it. Share it with others. Think about how this has changed you – for the better. How can you handle this situation in a better way should it happen again.

You cannot undo the past – unless you’ve discovered time travel. But you can learn from it.

Final thoughts

I’m taking this reading to heart. It was exactly what I needed. The spiritual guides are telling constantly to follow my passions. It’s true about holding onto disappointments. I’m still bitter over what happened with my job that I had worked so hard at for four years. I’m hurt over the way people turned on me in the end. People I called friends.

I find this whole reading funny, because just today I said to myself: if I don’t get approved for disability benefits, I’m so done with this chapter of my life. I’m ready to move on. And focus on what makes me happy.

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Recharge your soul: reconnect with nature

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Today is the best day I’ve had in months. Months! I woke up migraine free with good energy. A sore stomach but I think that it’s because I’ve been snacking at night time – I need to stop that. A good mood – even though it’s pouring with rain outside.

Why does it seem that the one day you have to go outside – it rains? And not just a drizzle – it’s been pouring non-stop since last night. Not that I mind, I love the rain. But really? On the one day I need to go out into the world?

I just came back from a short visit with my new family doctor. I really like him. He asks a lot of good questions. We reviewed some paperwork. He’ll fill out any form and charge me only $40 for it which I can write off. I have a note that will cover me to the end of summer and have some benefits coming in – so that is a relief.

I’m currently writing what feels like a book on my medical history with migraines. It’s interesting to try and recall really important dates. Like the time a migraine sent me to the ER after puking for 13 hours straight. Sorry, but I was traumatized. I think paramedic was too. Good thing he was quick with a bowl.

The worst part of the migraines is the nausea and vertigo. He finally asked me today about all the symptoms. I had asked him for a referral months ago – and he said he was working on it. But then asked me again today if I wanted one. So…. I hope he actually submitted one. Referrals can take up to a year.

I saw my good faithful friend Wally today who picked me up from the doctor’s and drove me home. We had a month worth of catching up to do. Sometimes I make up excuses to go out just so I can see him. He used to drive me to work daily and so I’ve missed that casual friendship. He’s happily married with three kids. He’s Polish. From time to time, we’d exchange things like baking, or treats during the holidays. He also helped me with my move out and I’m grateful to have someone I can rely on.

Contrary to what some people believe, living alone isn’t lonely. The pandemic has made it tough for sure – but I have friends that I can see for lunch dates or drinks. I have a bestie who reads this blog often and we talk daily. I have my sisters and talk daily with them. That was why I moved closer – to be close to them. And it’s really helped. To the point that my anxiety- it’s not even really an issue right now.

Dating? I don’t need to date to be happy. Fuck that logic and those who think that way. Relationships made me miserable. I over-thought everything and it drove me mad – and my partner too. Plus I was magnet for emotionally unstable men. Greg, for instance, had PTSD from the military. We had a strong connection because of it. We loved each other. But the relationship was never meant to be. And I’m okay with that. I don’t hate him. I don’t hate any of my exes. I learned to FORGIVE and let go. Which I think a lot of people struggle with.

Where am I going with this? I don’t know. My tummy is growling so I should get some food. But mostly – I just wanted to say.

I absolutely fucking love my life. I love the people I have in my life. Could things be better? Yeah, I mean – things could always be better. More money would be amazing. But I have a nice, clean and quiet home. I have friends I can count on. I have good relationships with some of my ex-partners – we’re even “friendly” on social media. I have good relationships with my family. I have lots of hobbies and interests to help fill in the days.

Daily Positivity #3: Recharge your soul

Life is too short to dwell on the negative people in life. Remember all the good things you have in your life. Family. Friends. Your home. Your job (if you love your job). Your pets. Focus on creative outlets. Hobbies. Go for a walk or run. Get out in nature and get lost (metaphorically) in your surroundings.

Take a break from social media. Go out and breathe some fresh air. Reconnect with Mother Earth – for she is always ready and will be there for you too.

Painted by – me!

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Personal, spiritual

I had a dream where I couldn’t remember where I lived.

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Yesterday was an awful day with PCOS pains. I won’t gross you out with details. But I spent most of the day in bed and slept. That’s all you can do on those days. I have about one or two out of the entire month. I took a pain pill last night before bed and just woke up. The drugs certainly make you sleep more. But not only that – oh my – they produce wild dreams.

I just woke up from a dream that’s still fresh and vivid in my mind. I was in a new apartment – this isn’t the first dream like this. I’ve had nightmares where I’ve moved into slum apartments without doing research. I had one dream so often that I had convinced myself I had moved into an apartment and moved out and left all my furniture there. But I know that isn’t possible. I’ve only moved TWICE in the last twelve years.

In the dream, I was meeting up with a friend for dinner. I looked around my apartment which was empty. There was beige carpet on the floor. All the furniture I had in there was my old green couch from the 70’s, and a tv cabinet I had never seen before. What? I have way more furniture than that.

As I inspected the carpet, I could see that it wasn’t firmly in place and there were bulges that appeared to be moving as though some giant rat or other rodent was living under it. I ran out of the apartment screaming and found myself sitting on bench near an elevator in a mall.

My friend Louise walked by. She sat down on the floor. She was maybe drunk? I couldn’t tell. “Please just leave me alone, I need to just sit here for a minute and rest,” she said to me.

I shrugged my shoulders and left her alone while I looked through my purse for some identification. Or something with my address on it. I couldn’t remember my new address! I asked Louise is she knew but she was sleep already on the floor of a busy mall.

There was a purse sitting on the floor beside – a navy blue purse. Two women came up to us frantic, looking for a lost purse. One grabbed it. She was wearing a navy dress like my mom would have worn. She even had dark hair like my mom. “Oh thank god,” she said as they scampered away with the purse in hand.

I looked over at Louise who was still snoring like a baby on the dirty floor. I searched through all the texts on my phone – the old Android I had at my old apartment. I couldn’t find any mention of my new place.

I decided to hop in an Uber car and maybe a drive close to the area would jog my memory. I got up to say goodbye to Louise. She just muttered at me and said “leave me alone,” – not like her at all. When I came back to the bench – I thought I saw some envelopes I might have dropped. My hands were full of notebooks and other things I don’t remember having with me. My dreams are weird like that.

There was a pile of vanilla envelopes on the bench with red pen written all over them. I peaked at them.

“No shows” was scribbled all over one.

“Just okay” was scribbled all over another one. And other comments like, “passable” or “potential hire”. There was a large red binder with a name written on it that said, “actually walked out of the interview.”

I considered sticking around to find out who was doing the hiring and for what position. But it was getting late and the mall was closing. I looked over to say goodbye to Louise again – but she was gone. There was no sign of her. I shrugged my shoulders and headed to the elevator.

Next thing I know I’m in the back of an Uber. The Uber pulls up to 17th avenue – which is really far south instead of 117 street – which is an area I’m considering moving to in the spring if I can afford it.

I got out of the car and realized I was at some kind of Aboriginal lodge. There were buffalo and other animals all around me. The driver and I watched as this herd of sheep and baby cattle roared through the sandy road. I looked up at him as if to say, “Did that really just happen?”

I wish I could tell you what happened after that – but I woke up drenched in sweat and it was time to get out of bed. I slept in way past the normal get up time of 8:00 am. It’s almost time to take another pill. I think I’ve slept enough for the last two days. I don’t want to spend the entire day in bed!

Honestly, sometimes these dreams just leave me scratching my head. It felt so real. And now I’m wondering what the hell building I moved to – so I can avoid it?

How have your dreams been lately?

Happy Thursday. There’s a photography post coming your way shortly.

Personal, spiritual

Dreamspeak: why do nightmares feel so real?

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I woke up this morning mid dream and cannot shake the feeling of what I experienced in the dream. It was sheer terror. It was like I was being held hostage and forced to a life of servitude in more ways than one to a group of elite cultists.

I think that means I need to lay off the conspiracy section of youtube. Or something.

I’ve had lots of nightmares and night terrors throughout my life – stemming from a young age. Recurring dreams happen often too. Or at least recurring themes. But this one came out of no where and it felt so real.

You ever have dreams like that? Where they feel so real that you wake up convinced what happened in the dream must have happened in reality too?

I don’t know what could have brought on the dream. Maybe I’m watching too many episodes of Xfiles but I only have two more seasons to go and then I’m finished the show. A first re-watch in over five years. I just love it so much.

Sometimes I think these dreams would make really good short stories but I’m never in them long enough to see how they end. Some dreams just fade as soon as I wake up. While others, I can still feel everything I felt in the dream – upon waking. The feelings linger throughout the day. And sometimes for days after.

All I know is the terror I felt in the opening of this dream – felt so real that I can still feel a hand around my neck.

One time, I even woke up with bruises on my shoulder. They looked like bruises left by a hand print. I tried to recreate the marks with my own hands but it was physically impossibly. It was like someone had grabbed me from behind and squeezed my shoulder tight enough to bruise it.

In my last condo, I remember waking up and finding scratches on my legs. There’s no way I could have gotten those scratches when I was sleeping. They were deep and lasted for at least two or three months.

There is an old saying that if you die in your sleep you die in real life. And sometimes I wonder if what happens in your dream can follow you into real life – like scratches, bruises and other marks.

I know that some people think receiving scratches is a sign of demonic activity. But I honestly do not believe in demons. I believe in spirits and spiritual energy – I believe that some energy can be positive and some can be negative. Some energy can linger on for years. But demonic entities? With horns and rotten skin? Nah. That’s too Stephen King even for me.

Even though Lucifer is one of my favorite shows in recent years. Because, that role was made for Tom Ellis who is so dreamy.

Maybe one day we’ll have technology to record our dreams and record how we felt during them – kind of like a virtual dream journal.

I’ve been meaning to write down some of my dreams here in this blog but have just hit a writing funk. I think I’m just bored in general and need to get out more and back into a regular schedule.

So, that’s where we are this cloudy Tuesday morning. My condo is nearly 30 degrees. I have both fans going. The windows open. And there’s another rainstorm heading our way.

Happy Tuesday.

Personal, spiritual

Dreamspeak: Inner intuition, dreams and random thoughts

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The reason I’m writing this long winded post is — the past week or so I’ve had some weird experiences. I was watching the Junos, and even though I only recognized a few names of the artists, I predicted nearly all the wins correctly. I’ve predicted how conversations are going to go online. I’ve even predicted correct dates and times of appointments – like a visit with my dad scheduled on the same day I have to be at an appointment I can’t miss.

When I was younger, I used to play this game that I’d call “prediction”. It started off as harmless. Like if the phone rang – I could tell who was calling without looking at the phone. It only worked with a few people that I was connected to – like my mom, or boyfriend, or close friends.

As time went on and I opened myself up to more things, I started experimenting with this – I don’t even know what to call it. Or what it even is – I’m not even sure I believe in psychic abilities.

Even at work, I had the “elevator game” – we had four elevators to choose from. And I would stand in front of the elevator door I thought was going to open next – and most of the time – I was right.

Unless I was stressed out or extremely tired. On these days – that’s when electrical equipment just failed on me. Elevator glitches. Computer glitches. Power failures. Copier jams. You name it – it would break down.

I used to take the bus home from work from downtown when I lived on the southside. It was a good forty minute ride, sometimes an hour. I had plenty of time to kill and get lost in my head. I’d start people watching and try and predict their life stories.

The Prediction Games

“She works in an office, and is going home to her husband and two kids,” I’d say to myself.

“He is single, a life long bachelor, maybe works in the trades,” I said to myself about a man wearing coveralls carrying a lunch pail.

I remember one night, I was heading out to an event and I was thinking about who on the bus was going to the same event. I was much younger and more adventurous – I was dressed up in all black with a collar on. If you can imagine that. It wasn’t an in your face collar, it was a piece of jewelry and I quite liked it.

As I looked around the bus picking people to focus on – a young couple behind me started talking.

“I guess my uncle is going to some event tonight. He’s all dressed in leather and is selling stuff at one of the tables. He goes to these events on a regular basis. I don’t even know what the event is, but I can kind of guess,” he said.

I chuckled quietly to myself and listened for other conversations on the bus. I watched people as they talked. I could guess where people were going simply based on what outfits they had on.

Reading people has always been a gift. I’ve always been a bit of an empath and can pick up easily on energy and feelings.

Reading People

I had a co-worker I was good friends with while working in a music store. When he dropped off his resume, I knew right away I liked him. He was friendly, intelligent, and cute too. And as I walked out of the store, I whispered to a female colleague, “too bad all the cute ones are gay,” and we laughed.

I gave his resume to the boss at the time and said, “I like him. You should hire him for the sales job.”

And sure enough – he was hired almost on the day of the interview. Imagine my shock when I learned he had a girlfriend – who he eventually got engaged to. I didn’t care – she was nice, he was a nice guy and we became fast friends.

Fast forward a couple of years later – he broke things off with his fiance and came out as gay.

Is it possible, my intuition picked up on his “gay vibes” before he knew? Or maybe I could pick up easily on his own insecurities and confusion? I don’t know. But I still chuckle about it today. He was just such a great guy, it didn’t matter. Sadly, we lost touch after I left that job.

I still have this “gift” today – very few people surprise me.

Inner Intuition

I believe that everyone has the gift of intuition but not everyone knows how to listen to what their “gut” is telling them. Some people think that intuition is like having a sixth sense. I’m not sure what intuition really is – but I know for me – there are just things that I know. It’s like I’ve received the knowledge from some unseen guide – I just know in my head that it’s true.

When it comes to reading people, it’s a gift and a curse. I often doubt myself and this leads me to trouble with people or in relationships. If I just listened to that first “vibe” – almost like a stab in the gut feeling – I know I could save myself a lot of heartache.

At work, I knew something was off and I ignored it longer than I should have. People started avoiding me. I was left out of meetings. Friends stopped chatting with me. I could hear whispered conversations when I walked by. I knew that either someone was spreading false information about me around the office – or they were just not happy with me for whatever reason. I think a lot of is – they thought I was making it up – being sick so much and was just trying to get out of work.

I ignored my gut instinct and this led to me being where I am today. Sometimes I’m just too trusting with people I think are my friends and I get burned in the end.

Same goes for my ex-boyfriends. I knew James was a lying scumbag, but yet, I gave him so many years, and more chances than anyone ever got. Ever. I was a sucker when it came to him.

Intuition only works when you trust it and listen to it.

Dreams are a doorway to between the two worlds – the physical world and the spirit world. It is a place for our ancestors to connect with us and send us messages from beyond.

In the world of Shamanism, important messages are often delivered to the Shaman in dream form or while they are in that altered state of consciousness. My mother has been a regular guest star in my dreams lately. And my ex, Trigger. I had a doozy of a dream about him last night.

Mom appeared to me in the dream the other night, “I was only dead for a minute. You have to believe me. I was only dead for a minute, and I moved on,” she said to me.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what happens when we die and whether we will see our family or loved ones again. I like to think that we do. My intuition is telling me that this is more than a dream. Somehow, my mother, has found a way to communicate with me.

Messages from beyond

It was my mother who told me I should write again. Back in 2017, I had a dream about her – that’s when I wrote my book “When I get to heaven” – I actually forgot about the dream until I re-read the book last month. (I’m still tweaking the book before I publish it again.)

In the dream, we had a conversation about writing. She had wanted to write a book about her life but didn’t know how and didn’t have the energy to finish it. She left notes everywhere for us to find – we are still finding them tucked into books and in her journals.

“I’ve missed you so much, I have so much to tell you!” she said to me in the dream.

I balked, took a step back. I had been having a lot of dreams about my mother, after she died – but they weren’t really my mother in the dreams. They were something… else. Something darker at the house – pretending to be my mother. I’m still convinced that whatever was reaching out to me in these dreams – is still at the house. I still have those type of dreams occasionally.

But this dream was different. It was lighter. Even the house was lighter. It was full of sunshine and she was in the kitchen doing her favorite thing – baking.

“I have so many plans. And I’ve been thinking of you. I’ve been working. I’ve been watching people. Watching over you and the family – like I wanted to,” she had a huge smile on her face and spoke faster – with excitement.

“I have all these notes, and things – I need to share them with you. I want to write – I need to get to work,” she said to me.

She showed me binders of notes that she had taken. There were BINDERS full of all her notes and memories of her life. There were names on the pieces of paper taped to the binders but I couldn’t read them.

“I’ve missed you so much, but I can’t wait to start working again…” she said.

She looked at me, took my hand and I felt warmth – not cold – warmth – and I felt loved.

“You need to write, my daughter, you need to write,” she said.

It was the last thing she said to me before I woke up from the dream.

And that’s when I started. I started blogging again. Not long after I finished the book, I started this blog. And I haven’t stopped.

Maybe it was just a dream. But it felt real. There are some things I just know – and I feel it in my heart like I had a real conversation with my mother that night. She had found her way to me and still does in her dreams.

Dreams are a magical doorway between the spirit world and the physical world – according to Shamanistic practices. There are legends and myths in every culture around the world and this is an ancient practice that has been around for nearly 100,000 years.

Am I a psychic? Is this intuition? Or does my mother really find her way to me while deep in slumberland? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. But my gut, tells me to just – believe.