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relationships

This year’s life lessons

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It’s Tuesday morning. I’m sitting in my recliner in my fuzzy pj pants and the fireplace is roaring. I’ve got my first cup of coffee and decided I needed to start writing here again. It’s bitterly cold outside sitting at -33 this morning. No matter where you are in the world, that’s cold. And once again, I’m sitting here feeling confused and wondering – where did the good go?

First off, I did make my blog private for a while. The premium plan expires soon and I’m not sure I’ll renew it. I’ll probably go back to personal plan which means losing some features and having to redesign it. I’m trying to keep a low profile in general online these days. But we’ll see.

My primary long distance dynamic ended last month. The relationship started to get toxic and pretty abusive due to some jealousy issues on his part. Which wasn’t fair. He had a live-in partner and was well aware that I was looking for someone local for me. And I did find that. For a three months, I had someone that I was seeing. Until last week.

The LDR dynamic ended with taking some time apart and going no contact for a few days. Then he called on the Sunday of that week and we talked a long time. He said we could be friends. But people always say that. We talk still just not often. I don’t know how to act with him now. And there are still some bitter feelings on how toxic things got towards the end. I’m embarrassed for how much I chased him, when he seemed to unattach himself to me pretty quickly.

Then I had a wonderful but short-lived relationship with a guy that I had flirted with all summer. Or rather, he flirted with me. I had no idea he was interested in me. We saw each other weekly. He drove me to events and introduced me to his friends. I cooked for him. We had a few movie nights. He came to the few social gatherings I had with friends. And in the last two weeks, we started getting really close.

Like… acting like a couple on Fetlife for two weeks. Daily. And I was pretty happy. I think he was too. In the time that I knew him which was as long as my ex, I had never seen him interact that way with another woman.

We clicked. The chemistry when together was hot. But there were issues. Some compatibility issues that made him uncomfortable. And I made the mistake of asking a question about a sore subject for him. And we are now currently in no contact.

Once again, I had a man that I had been intimate with and started developing feelings for – withdraw and ask for space.

Seriously, asking for space is the worst thing to do with an anxious attachment. I pick at things because I want to fix them. I really should have just let him have space, because now we’re no longer together. He just wants to be friends.

And I realize he’s probably right. But I wasn’t ready for the connection to end. We were just starting. But I also realized something else.

I refuse to be with someone I have to chase. I refuse to someone’s option. I refuse to be someone’s last priority in life. I refuse to try and make things work with someone who is questioning whether they want to be with me or not.

I’ve done that for too many men. Too many times. And it always ends in heartache.

If he comes back after this “break” then we’ll see what happens. But I’m not chasing him.

For now – I’m focusing on me. On health. Re-writing some short stories. Working on art. And healing. There’s a lot of healing to do from this past year. THREE connections that I had this year. And my heart just hurts.

I don’t think I’m a bad person. I ask questions because I like to know things and I was getting some pretty mixed signals. Maybe he realized that when he pulled away.

The lesson learned this year?

It’s so easy for some people to pull away from a relationship rather than work on it. If that’s the case, what’s the point anymore? Why try? And how can some people walk away from something like it was nothing?

Because it wasn’t nothing to me. It meant something. And I miss it.

PS: If anyone tells me to “love myself more” and thinks will work out – I will throat punch you. I’m not a violent person but I will make exceptions. That’s gaslighting yourself into thinking that people won’t mistreat you or abuse you if given the chance. Because trust me sweetie, they will. Only some of them are so clever at it, you don’t realize until way too late. And you know what? I have too much self respect to even put up with that crap anymore.

Get out of here with your self-love crap. Setting boundaries IS a form of self-care. And I don’t need that on my page. Or in my comments sections.

relationships

Forming new dynamics and shedding lights on toxic behaviours

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Thanksgiving came and went and I opted to not do my annual gratitude post. While I have a lot of people in my life that I’m grateful for, I’m not feeling particular thankful right now. My emotions have been all over the map and there are reasons for that.

My LDR connection is still going but it’s becoming really hard at times. I’ve been given permission to go ahead and make other connections locally and have met a couple of men that I am getting to know. Kink is weird sometimes. The Boss in charge has to approve my partners and that’s hard for him too. It’s hard for me waiting for them to chat, feel each other out and get to know each other too. I don’t want to share too much about my LDR as he’s a private person and that would seem disrespectful.

So… just know. It’s still going. Six months in. And it’s still really fucking hard sometimes because of the distance.

There are some in the community that don’t want these connections to happen. Ex partners on both sides for one. Although for me, it wasn’t really an ex partner. It was someone I got to know over the summer, hooked up with a couple of times – and now he’s trying to manipulate me and control me, even though I went no contact with him. And honestly, I’m getting SO fucking tired of it all.

It started off with love bombing my content after going no contact with him. I didn’t hear anything for a couple of months. Then all of a sudden, when I started getting out to events, he showed interest again and started up with the flirting. Which I either shot down, or ignored while still being polite. The last thing I want to do is burn bridges in a somewhat small and sometimes incestuous-like community.

Then the snide remarks started happening. And when I started openly engaging with one man who is a mutual friend, the comments turned spiteful and this person started tagging my new friend in them.

Like wtf? Who does that? We’re not even an official couple of anything like that. It’s just friendship, getting to know each other. Feeling each other out. Having difficult conversations. Spending time together. It’s NOT a full blown relationship and the other thing…

It’s no one else’s fucking business who I’m friends with or invite into my home.

This morning out of the blue, I get a message saying, “I hope you know my posts aren’t about you.” Like what?

I know they probably are. He made some kind of status update about integrity and people bad mouthing him behind is back. I ignored that one too and unfriended him that day.

Then after sending me a message today, he makes another vague post about how people “think they are bigger than they really are.”

This is petty petty little man behaviour here. It’s classic gaslighting and narcissistic tactics to get a reaction out of me. Only he stopped getting a rise out of me a while ago. He’s just making himself look more sad as time goes on.

The one things with narcs is — they HATE being ignored.

They will do anything they can to get your attention. Then when you finally give it to them, they sucker you in and play with your feelings all over again. Only this guy is smart. He’s doing it in such a vague and subtle way – that no one suspects anything.

And I refuse to give him what he’s searching for.

Acknowledgement.

Every post I make, he thinks it’s about him. When it’s not. Like hey. I have more than one relationship in my life. I have problems of my own that have NOTHING to do with you.

But narcs don’t see that. They make everything about themselves.

And so… that’s kind of where I am right now in life.

Learning to recognize abusive behaviours early on. Taking risks and getting to know new people. Healthier people who seem to have it together. Or at least they are wiling to openly discuss their feelings, limits and boundaries in a way that took me by total surprise.

Dinner the other night was fabulous, and it was one of the healthier discussions I’ve had in years with a potential partner. And…. I really like the guy too.

So, I’ll just keep on doing what I’m doing. Writing daily. Working on art. Keeping busy and active. I have a social I’m going tonight. Both men will be in the same room and that should be…interesting. But I’ll have my friends with me and I know they’ve got my back.

Hope your week is going well. I”ll get back to writing on a more regular basis soon.

Personal

Match energy given to you, or let it go

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Something has been bugging me lately about communication and I’m going to try an experiment over the next while.

Do you ever feel like you are always the one reaching out to certain people to keep conversations going? Like you’re the only one in certain relationships making all the effort?

Some friends reach out daily to me and I love them for it. I’m definitely not used to it. And I make every effort to respond to them, chat throughout the day and let them know if I’m having a bad day and not feeling up to chatting. But the girls can’t seem to go more than a few hours without saying something and it’s a lot of fun.

But it’s the men that I notice that I’m often the one reaches out. There are a couple of males friends that will send a message to check on me. And then a week or so will go by and we don’t talk at all. And that’s okay. There are no rules when it comes to friendship. I have lots of friends where we come and go after a few months or even a couple of years and just pick up like no time has passed.

My Minnesota man is pretty good at communication. Not long ago, I was keeping busy and he messaged me about 7 hours later and was like, “You’re being uncomfortably quiet today.” It made me laugh. Other times, we might not talk until later in the evening or after he’s done work. And that’s okay too.

For the next week or so, I’m conducting an experiment.

I’m going to see how many friends reach out to me first if I go radio silent for a few days. I’m pretty sure I know who will reach out. But it begs the question….

Are they really interested in me? Or do these guys just love the chase?

I guess I’ll find out.

Communication in all relationships is a two way street. If one person is doing all the reaching out – it gets tiresome. If that person stops reaching out then what? Does the friendship just stop all together?

I get we all have bad days and I don’t demand ANYONE to message me daily. I even told the Man that early on and he was the one who insisted on daily communication. And there hasn’t been a day we haven’t sent a few texts back and forth in six months.

So…tonight starts a 7 day streak of no contact.

Well. It’s not no contact. It’s just to see who is willing to reach out and reciprocate the energy given.

Two things I’ve learned recently.

I don’t chase. I attract. I refuse to chase anyone who isn’t interested in being with me. If for any reason, they lose interest – so be it. I’m not going to put any energy into that person.

And….

Match the energy given to you. If your person starts to distance themselves from you, try and find out why. If they refuse to talk, then do your own thing.

Sometimes they come back. And sometimes, it’s just better to let go.

mindfulness, relationships

All the things I’m grateful for

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It’s nearly 4 am and I’m supposed to be in bed sleeping and dreaming away. But as usual, my brain is being a Sadist and refuses to listen to anyone. I just popped some sleeping meds so I will be sold out tomorrow. Which kind of sucks – I have a lot to do to get ready for the weekend.

I feel a little giddy when I think about it.

It’s been so long since I’ve had lifestyle friends that I can just hang out with and be myself. Yes, I have my long-term friends who I cherish and hope to see often this fall and winter. But it’s these connections and dynamics where I can just be my silly, goofy and perverted self without worry or judgment.

Years ago, when I was active in the community, I had a few girlfriends I could have sleepovers with. They were fairly benign. We’d watch movies. Pig out on pizza or Chinese food. Then sleep in the same bed. Some friends would cuddle – because that’s fun to do. And once, I curled up in bed with one of my best buds and his girlfriend. Yes. You read that right. Shocking, I know. But – back then, I was less inhibited and freer than I am now. I’m slowly getting back to my old self though.

I’m so looking forward to this. Just hanging out in pajama pants, watching stupid Halloween movies and just having a good time.

Of course… the men are trying to turn this into something more than it is. You know how men can be. They get ideas in their heads about what sleepovers are. Like us dressing up in lingerie and having pillow fights. I mean, I’m sure some people do that – but come on.

I’m excited to wear my favorite pair of fuzzy pants and pork out on pizza while watching movies like Practical Magic and Hocus Pocus for the fun of it.

I was supposed to have a couple of coffee dates in the next bit, but COVID happened at a recent community event, and half the guests are in isolation. I was supposed to go to one of the park meets and I’m glad I didn’t. Pretty much everyone there got sick. I have the sniffles, but I think it’s allergy related. Otherwise, I feel fine. The smoke from the wildfires has been bad this week resulting in wicked migraines.

As for the coffee dates. Yes, I’m excited and nervous? I’m trying to meet people in person to break out of my shell and just get out there. As friends. I know one person really likes me – and that’s exciting too. We’ve met several times at various events over the summer. I like him too. There’s chemistry. But what that chemistry is, I haven’t figured that part out yet.

The world of poly relationships or ethical non-monogamy isn’t new to me, but it’s been so long that I forgot how much fun it can be.

My long-distance relationship is still going strong but not without complications. It’s fucking hard. The distance. The nights are lonely. I wish he were closer so we could be together in person. But I know that’s not possible with his schedule and family commitments right now.

Why does it seem like the people you connect most with, are half a world away? He’s not even that far, but travel for a weekend doesn’t seem likely any time soon when it’s a 19 hour drive!

But alas. The man has my heart and as he said. We don’t know what could happen in four or six months. And it’s weird to think he’s been a part of my life for nearly six months. Longer than some of my in person relationships.

For now, I’m trying to keep myself busy and distracted. Been getting back into cooking. I made some delicious zucchini and cheese loaves this week. Some chocolate raisin cookies. And yesterday, I made a delicious and spicy tomato and vegetable soup. So, my diet is back on track and I’m making the most of my time at home.

Weight loss is slow progress. Migraines are making it hard to do much and same with the insomnia. I also have limited mobility these days with my arms and shoulders. Probably will need physio therapy at some point soon.

That’s life in a nutshell. Trying to weave my way through the ways of the ENM lifestyle. Making new friends and sharing some laughs along the way. I have my own little tribe. A small group of friends that chat almost every day.

I also recently saw one of my oldest friends and we sat in a coffee shop until almost midnight just catching up and chatting, eating Timbits and having a good time. I need more of that in my life please.

And that – is the most precious thing to me right now that I hold close to my heart.

Otherwise, life is moving along as it should be. And while I struggle with anxiety and sometimes the depression, I know I should be fucking grateful for all the good I have now. And with it being autumn, I can breathe a little easier, and sleep when it finally comes.

G’night world. For now.

Personal

Finding love again after forty. Is it possible in today’s world?

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It’s late as I sit down to write this post. It’s been an eventful couple of weeks and I haven’t written much in the blog. That’s being done on purpose. I’ve found that when I post daily, people don’t engage. If I post every few days, I’ll get more interaction. And so, I’m trying to cut back.

But the other part is I’m struggling these days. Emotionally. I’ve lived with this illness all my life and I’ve come to accept that it’s a permanent disability with no cure. That’s just part of my life now. How can I meet someone new and let them into my life, when some days, I can’t even get out of bed? What kind of life could I offer someone?

Lately, I’m finding that I’m angry and resentful about my choices in life. I stopped dating back in 2015 after Greg and I broke up. The relationship was so toxic that I couldn’t ever see myself being with another man. Or woman. I’m straight in that sense. That’s not to say that I didn’t experiment when I was younger. I mean, that’s what your early 20’s are for.

There were men over the years. I dated a lot in my teens and early 20’s. There were a few steady relationships over the years. Cory, we dated for almost three years until I was 21. Then Ken came along for a year. Then Greg and I met for the first time and fell in love. It was a short and rocky six months. But there was love there. We reconnected later in life and would get involved off and on for nearly five years.

I dated other men in between our breaks. It was his idea, saying he couldn’t give me what I wanted. James came back over the years. We got closer than ever in 2012. Then the man who told me he never wanted to marry, got married and has a family of his own. After giving him nearly 19 years of my life.

Love is stupid sometimes. And blind. Turns out, I was just an option to him. Never making the top list. I was never marriage material.

I found great love early in life when I wasn’t ready to make a commitment. By the time I was ready to offer my love to someone, I had either gotten too old or the men weren’t interested in me in the same way. Perhaps it’s my fault for dating the wrong kind of men.

But here we are. March 2022 and I just realized I haven’t been with a partner since 2015. That’s a long time to be single. At first, I thought this is what I wanted. Now… I guess I feel lonely and cut off. I see my friends and family happy in their marriages and I wonder if I missed out.

People tell me that it’s never too late. In some ways it is. I’ve lived alone far too long to even know how to let someone in. I’m still trying desperately to lose weight. To get to a place where I feel comfortable in my own skin and maybe, at some point, let myself be intimate with someone.

I know. People tell me weight shouldn’t matter. I should just find someone that loves me for me. But .. it’s fucking hard. There are wars going on in the world. People are struggling financially. Some people have lost hope. And then you have me, living with a disability and not even able to much due to constant pain.

I saw a geneticist this week and it was a life changing appointment. He got more work done in one appointment, than most of my GP’s have all my life. I’m being referred to the right care team. At least, I hope they’re the right ones. If they tell me to just lose weight, I might fucking scream and punch them in the face.

How do you let someone in when you’ve closed yourself off to the world for this long? I wouldn’t even know where to begin. There’s so much mistrust, so much hurt and pain. Still even after all these years.

There’s a saying that you only get three great loves in your life. Well, if that’s true, then maybe I’ve used up all my great loves. Soul mates? I thought I had found that in Greg. Turns out he was just another dud in the saddle feeding me all the right lines I wanted to hear.

I know some of you come to this blog for uplifting messages, and to read stories of my life. I’m sorry to disappoint you with this all tonight.

For the first time in a long time, I’m feeling a little lonely. Maybe a little sorry for myself.

I often wonder what life would have been like had I married young, when I had been asked. There were two men, that if I stuck with them, I could have been married. But I wasn’t ready. One of the men even turned to me later and said, “I got married right after you. That could have been you.”

And so.. I sit here. With pensive and negative thoughts. But I’m all right. There’s a plan. A course of action to get me on the road to improving quality of life.

Maybe one day in the near future. I can find love again too.

To the man who still calls me an attention seeking whore: I’ve been single for seven years. You’re delusional.

That’s enough wallowing for now.

Personal

On sabbatical from love

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Since no one stepped in and told me to stop- I am still chatting with an ex. I could blame the booze. But I only had one glass of wine last night. So, it’s not that. Maybe it’s COVID and isolation. Being cut off from my usual group of friends and acquaintances. You all know I’ve been struggling with this.

The dreaded question came up. Well, not so much of a question but a statement.

“That’s fine if is works for you. Unless you’ve dated since we last talked.”

The last time we talked was over a year ago. Maybe more? Like two years? I’d have to go back in my Facebook history. I know I’ve only seen him once since moving into this place. We got together and caught up for lunch not long after I moved here. And that was six years ago now.

Wow. Time flies.

So, who is this guy and why am I talking to him again? Well, because love is blind, deaf and extremely dumb.

And let’s be real. You never really fall out of love with someone you really loved at one point. You can let them go. You can get over it. You can move onto someone new. But part of you remembers that love. For all the good things. And love, as stupid as it can be, trumps logic.

Don and I met when I was 18 and living at home. Or 19. I can’t remember the specifics. It wasn’t too long after James and I broke up and I was dating like – well, what do you call a 19 year old who dates a different guy every week?

I remember sneaking out of the house to meet him at the mall. My mother was very strict and didn’t approve of me meeting random single guys “online”. I used a party phone back then. Cell phones were still really expensive back then. This is like, over twenty years ago. I’m dating myself.

So, I had to sneak out and lie to my parents when I was meeting up with someone. Which for like a year there, it was a lot of random someones. To be honest, I was trying to find myself through various men. It took me a long time to realize that I needed to be on my own to find out who I really was.

Don was in his early 20s – 24 I think. We went for a beer and shot some pool. Which is what we all did back in the 90’s. Pool halls and bowling alleys were our key source entertainment after the drive in theatres closed.

Without getting into intimate details, we had a nice “relationship” for a few months. He was easy to talk to. We had chemistry. There was a spark there from the moment we met. It went deeper beyond friendship. We just – clicked.

So, what went wrong you asked?

The Marriage

Don had been in a long-time relationship with his high school sweetheart. They had a young child together and split up after a year or so realizing how hard it was to be a parent at a young age. One day Don called me on the phone and said that he really enjoyed our time together but he and the ex had been talking a lot. And he wanted to marry her and try and work things out.

Now at that age, I had no idea what real love was. I thanked him for calling – like wtf? Hung up the phone and cried for like a minute. A WHOLE minute. And then shrugged it off and called another guy I had been seeing off and on — Steve the trucker. Who I have written about before.

Don’s marriage was a rocky one. We lost touch over the years until Facebook was invented. His name popped into my head and I looked him up. We started chatting and he not only remembered me – but he wanted to get together for coffee.

Coffee. It’s a harmless get together right? An excuse to catch up with someone and have a visit. No big deal. Oh, how wrong I was.

http://www.mostlysingle.com

Chemistry

When chemistry is real, it never really fades away. There’s a natural spark that happens with two people. Whether they’re good for each other or not. Whether they can make it work or not. Chemistry makes it impossible for two people to stay away from each other. At least that’s what we told ourselves.

Don had been married since we the year that we broke up. He said that they were in an open marriage and he was free to do what he wanted. I had just lost a bunch of weight, was feeling great about myself and was just in the mood to have some fun. James and I had parted ways again. And I don’t know what I was looking for at the time. Maybe I just wanted to show off. This was back in 2008 – I had just moved to my old condo.

When he came over for coffee that first night, that chemistry – it was still there. And it was strong. We chatted most of the night. He finally got up off my couch at three in the morning and went home. That was it. We just talked.

As he left, I felt a twinge of sadness thinking that must have been what I had been missing. That connection. Communication. Just having someone to talk to like that.

The Heartache

I can’t summarize a decade long friendship in one blog post. There was just too much drama to even get into. And to be honest, I’m not comfortable sharing that much information about relationships. But what I learned was — open relationships aren’t all they are cracked up to be.

Someone almost ALWAYS gets hurt in the end. And usually, it’s the third person coming into the picture. I’ve been in all kinds of relationships over the years. And this is the only constant thing I learned.

I fell in love. Hard. Head over heels love. Madly, deeply, truly. To quote a cheesy 90’s song. I know that Don had feelings for me – but I don’t think they were as deep.

And when we parted ways for the first time in 2009, it broke my heart. I mean literally. I fell into a deep depression. But I was also struggling with hormones at the time and was on anti-depressants. So, it was a combination of things.

We remained friendly over the years. But I learned to not get romantically involved again. Even though the chemistry is still there. Even over texting – old habits are hard to break and flirting is hard to stop.

But — what’s that quote?

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting the same results. And insanity would be giving into those old feelings. And while I can appreciate the friendship and catching up – and even staying in touch this time.

This old heart of mine just can’t take another “break up”. I’ve had one too many and one too many toxic relationships with toxic men who I thought were everything to me.

And so… my response to his casual statement about dating?

“I’m on sabbatical from love. At this point, it might be a permanent thing.”

Him: “So, you’re getting a cat now?”

Me: “Cats eat your face.”

And so, that’s where we are this new year’s day/night. Thoughts on past loves. What could go wrong with that?

Personal

Boxing Day Rituals

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It’s 8:30 am and I’m wide awake on Boxing Day morning. I always wake up a little sad on Boxing Day. I love Christmas. But it feels you put so much work into Christmas for a few weeks, and then it’s over. Just like that. Boom. You’re done until New Years – at which I never go anywhere for because it’s too hard to get a cab back home.

I seem to recall a few New Year’s Eve nights when I wound up sleeping over at some stranger’s house because I had been invited to a party with friends and couldn’t get a ride home. That was before Uber or rideshare services came along. We didn’t have cell phones or apps to book a ride home.

I remember after one night of drinking with friends, we didn’t have cab fair, and wound up walking home for two hours. We were also highly inebriated and had no idea where we were going. But I just remember it was extremely hilarious. Thank goodness that was during the summer time. This is also why I don’t drink that much now as a mid-forties female. Hangovers are just too painful.

But boy did I have some good times as a young 20’s something. I would meet someone, we’d hang out as a friends. And then suddenly there would be a group of us new people just hanging out on weekends together. Partying. Shifting from one apartment to the next – because we were all too poor to buy an actual house.

Life seemed simpler back then. It was easier to meet people. You just walked to someone at a bar and struck up a conversation. Or you used dating party lines like Lavalife to make a date. Or chat with someone new. Now it seems like people don’t even want to make new friends. Or don’t have time for dating.

Where am I going with this post? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I only had two glasses of wine last night and I’m feeling a little fuzzy this morning. Wine just makes me so sleepy. I enjoyed a nice quiet dinner with my sister and her family. It beat being alone for the day. We felt enormous guilt for not having my dad there. But honestly – dad didn’t even know what day it was when we talked to him. Dementia is a horrible disease and it’s hard watching someone you love go through it. But it is what it is. We talked about Christmas past and did the best we could to enjoy the night.

I woke up from a deep sleep at 8:00 am and a disturbing dream. In the dream, I had been in a relationship with a man I don’t know. I discovered he had been seeing someone else who kissed him right in front of me. The only thing I said during this scene was: “you’ve been dating 20 months? We’ve only been together 12 months. You were with her the whole time?”

I raised my hand up and tried to slap him, which is something I never do – and my hand was jello. I couldn’t hit him. My hand just flopped around while I tried to smack him on the face.

What does that even mean? Really? Dreams are so weird. And why 20 months specifically? Is something special going to happen 20 months from today? I don’t know.

And on that note, I’m going to drink my coffee, eat my bagel and watch some stupid movies. I also have a book to read – my sister bought me the new Michael J Fox book. I’ve always adored him. I’m lookin g forward to it.

How do you spend your Boxing day? I love pj days.

Enjoy.

relationships

Thoughts on unconventional relationships

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It’s quiet in my building tonight. And it’s dark outside – even by 5 pm, it was already pitch black. I had a pretty good day until I started working on my Christmas tree. It’s just a tiny little tree from Michaels. A 4 foot prelit tree. It’s kind of like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. But I can’t complain for $40. It’s perfect for what I need at the moment.

As I was unpacking the ornaments from dad’s house, I got nostalgic for my mum. Christmas was her favorite time of year. She loved entertaining and having family and friends over for dinner parties. The Christmas tree was her favorite part of decorating the house. Dad would help her set up the tree and the lights. And she would do the rest herself.

Or she would “instruct” us on where to put ornaments, so it looked like how she wanted it. She somehow made it seem like we were helping her out a lot. The more I think about things like that, the more I think – man, kids are dumb.

And as I was lifting boxes from my closet, and got winded after the third load, I couldn’t help but think.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone around to help with day to day stuff?

But is that really a reason to get involved in a relationship? Just to have extra help around the house? I know there are all kinds of unconventional relationships out there. From polyamorous (I speak from experience), to open relationships (been there too).

Romantic connections are a difficult thing for me at this time in my life. My thoughts are weighted down with my dad’s health as it worsens over time. And then there is my own health which impacts my, ahem, sexual drive. Is it even fair to get in a relationship when there’s no desire for intimate – no scratch that – no desire for a sexual relationship?

I’m not saying I never think about it. It’s just with weight, migraines and the hormones, most days – it’s very far from my mind. And my weight is a good reason I’ve stayed single all this time. It’s slowly coming off – painfully, slow.

Would it be too much to ask for a platonic boyfriend? Is that a thing? Someone I can share house responsibilities with. Someone who could pay the bills and let me work from home on my art and music projects. I could even teach music if I had a partner to split the bills with. I could do so much more than I am now.

Plus, I’m an amazing cook. There would be that benefit to sharing a living space with me.

That’s the other thing. I love coming home to an empty home. If I lived with someone, it would have to be a house. And I would need my own space. My own room. A basement to work out in and work on various projects. I need that.

But…I sure do miss having a tall partner around to help with the day to day things that I physically can’t do anymore. And I think about what I’m going to do when I’m over 50 and there’s no one to take care of me. Maybe I’d have to go for a younger guy?

These are thoughts that are plaguing my mind tonight.

But I sure do like the shimmering lights and sparkly ornaments in the background.

For just a little while, it felt like mum was right here with me.

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Happy Thanksgiving from me to you

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This morning I woke up feeling a little sad and lonely. Being single and living on my own is fine for the most part. But it’s holiday time – Thanksgiving and Christmas that I start missing my family. Especially my mum.

Mum would always get up really early on Thanksgiving day. By 9:00 in the morning, the kitchen would be filled with delicious aromas of turkey and onions for the stuffing. The turkey would be in the oven for 10:00 am. It was always a big bird – to feed an army. Which at twenty people, we almost were army sized.

I’m missing my mum so much this year. Especially with dad in the home. We can’t bust him out. I saw him yesterday and the visit was a disaster as he was not having a great day. They are serving a turkey dinner but it’s just not the same without him. My sister will see him Tuesday. It’s just hard being away from parents this time of year. I tried booking a visit to see him. I really did. What else can you do? I called him this morning to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving and said I’d see him soon and that I loved him.

I was sitting in my recliner, sipping my morning coffee and surfing youtube videos on how to cook chicken perfectly, when I got an invite from my brother in law for dinner. We’re a small group. The four of them plus me. This falls within the rules of family gatherings during COVID.

“It’s nothing special, just ham, sweet potatoes, broccoli. We’ll even pick you up.”

He had me at ham. I was sold.

The rest of the family are all doing their own thing. And that’s okay. We don’t need to get together all the time. As long as everyone is safe, healthy and happy. I just wish my dad could be with us. It feels wrong without him.

And so… my plans for cooking a magical Thanksgiving feast for one, will have to wait until tomorrow. I do have a package of chicken breasts I need to cook up so I will do that for lunch. I’m also going to make another apple crumble for dessert tonight.

I love my family. I’m missing my beautiful mum and her pies this year. I wish just once – I could see her one more time hovering over the kitchen counter with her rolling pin and high heels because she was short. Just once I wish I could hear her laugh and sing along to Bing Crosby and Dean Martin as she baked a million pies and desserts for the family.

Just once… I wish I could see her smile again and hold her tight and tell her I love her. But at least I won’t be alone this weekend. And for that, I’m ever so grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving. Stay safe and healthy wherever you are in the world.

Photo by Anna Tukhfatullina Food Photographer/Stylist on Pexels.com

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Thanksgiving Dinner for One – is all about comfort food

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Since our family is opting out of Thanksgiving again this year, I’ve decided to cook up some of my favorite dishes this weekend. This seems like a lot for one person, but this meal can feed me for days. Here’s my plan (what I actually do might change):

  • Roasted Honey Ham
  • Mashed potatoes with cream cheese
  • Roasted butternut squash
  • A can of cranberry sauce
  • Apple Crumb for desert

As usual, I’m relying on YouTube tutorials for how to make this comfort meal really pop. I’m devastated that I can’t eat dinner with my dad. So I’m making the best of it. I’ll see him tomorrow for a visit anyway and my sister will see him Monday.

Now a warning – this meal is not for weight loss. Nor is it low carb. It’s totally 100% comfort food as I’m really going to miss my family. We all deserve treats now and then, don’t we?

Roasted Honey Ham

I have a very small cooked ham from Superstore. You can use any ham for recipes like this.

Roasted Butternut Squash

I’m using frozen cubes for this recipe – it’s just easier and my knives aren’t that good.

Mashed Potatoes with Cream Cheese

I’m cheating with this one and using instant potatoes mix then adding cream cheese. Here’s a good recipe if you want to make it from scratch. Just add in the cream cheese and some milk or cream as you mash them up.

Apple Crumble

I still have a bucket full of crab apples that I need to use up this weekend. I think tonight I will make another batch of apple crumble or perhaps just baked apples and cinnamon. You can read my recipe here from the other week – it’s super easy and takes minutes to prepare.

Beverages

I might have to fall into a drunken state this weekend just to get by. But probably not since most booze gives me wicked migraines as you know. I do like to indulge in a glass of rum and orange juice on occsaion – reminds me of getting drunk at the bar in my twenties on screwballs.

But for this weekend – I think I’ll order in a nice blush wine. I tend to like the German Rieslings, but they too give me migraines. So, I stick to blush wines. They’re a little sweeter and delicious. I’ll finish the night off with either some apple cider or hot chocolate.

If you’re looking for a really nice wine and money isn’t an object for you – try an ice wine. These are smooth and taste amazing. But at $40-50 per bottle – I think I’ll stick to the blush wines this weekend.

Or maybe I’ll make a sangria. The possibilities of DIY alcohol are endless!

What are your plans this Thanksgiving weekend? As COVID cases are on the rise, we’ve been told by the province that family gatherings are not recommended. So, our family is doing our part by staying home and doing our own thing. Though I will miss family dinner – I understand the risk of stuffing all 21 of us around a table together.

Stay safe this weekend and enjoy some great food! I’ll share pictures as things progress.

Wendy