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Sex and the City Re-watch #3: do we need marriage to define who we are in society?

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I’ve moved onto season three of my Sex and the City re-watch. Miranda is living with Steve (whom she eventually marries later on). Carrie is dating Aidan – we all know how that turns out. Charlotte is desperate for marriage and claims she’s going to “get married this year damnit.” And Sam – well, Samantha has her usual sexy adventures but this time with a doctor who is addicted to Viagra for sexual purposes and gratification.

One scene in the episode “Drama Queens” really stuck with me and I felt compelled to start this post. I mean, how else am I going to get inspired to write about relationships as a single person?

Miranda and Carrie are walking down the street while discussing Steve’s “skid marks” and how their relationship has become “too comfortable” since moving in together.

Carrie says to Miranda, “Aidan’s acting exactly how I wished Big would react, and I’m acting exactly like the way I wished Big would have behaved.”

And Miranda, with her big voice of reason pipes up with this:

Maybe you don’t believe it’s real unless someone is playing hard to get.

Miranda – Sex and the City

Isn’t that the way it goes though? When things work out naturally on their own, we as humans tend to over complicate things because it feels too… easy?

Do all relationships have to have a purpose?

Out of boredom, I ignored my own advice and hopped onto Reddit to see what was happening. Someone asked this loaded question in one of the subs I’m a member of. It’s a great question. One that got me thinking about my past relationships.

And let me tell you faithful readers, there were a LOT of relationships. I dated many guys in my younger years. It’s probably why I am “living the single life” as I do now.

I always read through the responses before giving my own feedback because sometimes a comment will spark a memory or I might see something I really agree with. But this comment. This winner right here – just pissed me off. And I ignored my own advice about not arguing with random strangers on the internet.

Relationships are essential to a healthy and happy life.

Marriage is a ritual and affords special status in societies. Sex outside of marriage is frowned upon or even severely punished in many societies.

Some random asshole on the internet

I responded to this ignorant comment with:

So you’re saying single people can’t have a rich and full life being on their own? That’s pretty condescending.

Me – taking this too personally

And this is when it hit me. This is when I knew I had made a mistake. Some stranger had given me a reward for my comment. And just when I was feeling good and congratulating myself for the award, I received this comment back.

No. But we are not solitary animals. I don’t think a life in solitude is full and rich. Regardless, it’s what some choose.

Most relationships aren’t sexual and some marriages aren’t sexual. But we are sexual animals. I don’t think a life without sex is rich and full. Regardless, it’s what some choose.

I’ve certainly been arrogant, condescending, petty, vindictive, cruel, you name it. But I’ve found it’s best to give internet strangers the benefit of the doubt. There are already too many Karens on the internet who have appointed themselves morality police.

A random troll on Reddit

DID HE JUST CALL ME A KAREN?????

I don’t think a life without sex is rich and full. Regardless, it’s what some choose.

This comment was spoken by some idiot who has never experienced peri-menopause. There just comes a time in your life when sex isn’t the most important part of your life. Hormones can really have an impact on your overall drive. And you get to a point where you don’t even think about sex all that much anymore.

But I would NEVER dismiss someone who made that choice and tell them that their life isn’t rich and full because they aren’t having sex. That’s just plain ignorant. Not everyone needs sex in their life. And for me, at this time, I’m just not that into it.

What’s the point of being in a relationship, if your endgame isn’t marriage?

But what about marriage? Don’t you need to get married to define your social status? Don’t you want to get married, have two kids, the big house with the white picket fence and a pet dog? Don’t you want the — American dream?

My answer to this is always the same.

Some people just aren’t meant to be married. Common-law is just as good as marriage where I live. Sometimes having that piece of paper that makes the relationship official, just makes things more complicated. I’m okay with being on my own. It’s the married people that can’t seem to accept my lifestyle choices. Why should I get married – to be placed into a proverbial box that defines my social status? Because it makes you feel better about your life choices?

Since when does being married define who I am or how I fit into society? Since when does being single mean that I’m not contributing to society in some way? I work (usually). I pay my bills. I pay taxes. I contribute to the economy. I vote. I participate in things that matter. I even recycle. I don’t do drugs. I don’t commit crimes. I even file my taxes annually and on time.

But just because I’m single — that makes me a lesser part of society than a woman who is married with kids, has the white picket fence and a dog?

That’s just bullshit – pardon my French. But it really is. Pure and utter bullshit.

And why do all relationships have to have a purpose? Why do relationships need to be defined or have a label to describe them? Does it really matter what we call our relationships? Does it matter if relationships are long-term, short-term, monogamous or poly? Does it matter if I just want to have fun for a night, or a week or a year? Does it really matter to anyone but me?

At the end of the day, if two people enjoy each other’s company and strive to make each other happy – isn’t that what really matters? Why do we need a piece of paper to validate our feelings? Because society deems it so?

Fuck society and social status. You being married doesn’t make you any better of a person than I am for choosing the single life.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate marriage. It’s just not for me. Some of my best friends are married couples. And I’m happy for them. I’m just tired of constantly being asked, “don’t you want to get married?”

Why over complicate things with labels? Why put pressure on relationships when there doesn’t need to be? Yes, I have people in my life that I can turn to and invite out for dinner, drinks or just hang out with. I have friends that are men and women. We get together. We have fun. We solve all the world’s problems together while sipping back a few glasses of wine.

And then I go home to my bed. And they go home to theirs. And I am perfectly fine with these arrangements. My companions, mean more to me, than any sexual partner I’ve ever had. And these relationships – these friendships – these people are my soulmates in the sense that we are friends for life.

My life is as rich and fulfilled as I need it to be at this very moment that I write out this long winded rant. I don’t need some ignorant person on the internet to tell me that I’m doing “life” all wrong. And I don’t need society trying to define who I am – through my relationship status.

So, what’s the point in being a relationship if you don’t plan on getting married?

My friends, I’ll leave you with this quote from Sex and the City to let you ponder on this – next time you ask your single friend “but don’t you want to get married?”

The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that’s just fabulous

Sex and the City

And to quote the ever adorable Samantha Jones:

I love you. But I love me more. I’ve been in a relationship with myself for (43) years, and that’s the one I have to work on.

Samantha Jones – Sex and the City

Thanks for reading. I’ll be writing the occasional rant or article about relationships as I continue my re-watch. This is something I do every few years and it’s one of my favorite shows from the late 90’s. But it’s funny how you can watch a show with a different perspective later in life and as you reach a certain age.

Thanks for reading!

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Sex and the City – Re-watch: “Marry someone who loves you more…”

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Every couple of years I sit down and re-watch the classic show, Sex and the City which was hugely popular in the late 90’s. Just writing this makes me feel old.

The show was a major hit on HBO at the time and it was a real trend setter. Not only for Sarah Jessica Parker’s wild fashion ensembles but any time the girls went to a real bar or club – that club would be the next biggest thing in New York City.

I always identified with Carrie throughout the series. I bounced from relationship to relationship in my younger years and would obsess over everything – it’s often why my relationships fell apart quickly. My anxiety. I would overthink things and it put too much pressure on the other person.

As you know, I love to write. I even have curly hair (naturally) like Carrie. And mostly, I passed up the opportunity to get married at a young age and dated a Mr. Big for nearly two decades – off and on.

I’ve written about James before in older posts. How he came and went as he pleased. He was almost exactly like Mr Big. – He’d make all kinds of promises and would stick around for a couple of months. But when things started getting “serious” – he’d disappear.

And he had a knack – he’d swoop on in whenever I was happy in other relationships and promise me the world. It was like radar. Either I was really happy in a relationship or really down on life and he’s just swoop right back in.

I didn’t learn until about 2012 – that I was the “other woman”. The woman he hooked up with on the weekends when he was in between relationships. And sometimes – the woman he connected with when he couldn’t see his girlfriends. I am embarassed at how long it took me to discover that this was true. And I found out this by discovering his girlfriend’s Instagram account.

He had texted me from Hawaii where he said he was living for two months. He said he wanted someone to cuddle with and that the person he was there with wasn’t the right person…yeah. Except that she was. He was on vacation for two weeks with his then girlfriend.

And the man who said he would NEVER get married, got married in 2015.

We connected briefly in person to chat about things. He apologized for being such a terrible person. He wanted to remain friends. It was just before his wedding. He said he was getting help for his “lying problem”.

I haven’t seen him since. He even lied about his wedding date. And all I can say, is good riddance. See you later.

Anyway… that’s not the point of this post. This meme is:

Every time I re-watch the series, this episode just pisses me off.

Marriage – or relationships in general are partnerships. They take work from both sides. If one person is doing more work than the other, or making more sacrifices than the other – eventually that person will resent the other.

It isn’t about how much you love someone – it’s about how you treat each other. Relationships should be about respect and equality. Compromise instead of sacrifices.

I’ve learned that you don’t have to share everything with your partner. You can have different interests and different friends – but the best relationships are when both people support each other equally. And unconditionally (within reason – if it’s healthy).

I remember fighting with James by text one day and he asked me what I wanted for him. This was fifteen years into our “casual” relationship. I said things couldn’t stay casual for ever. I was tired of being his dirty secret. I wanted to be more involved in his life – and if he couldn’t do that – we were over.

“What do you want from me? At best, I could be a part-time lover. I’m not the marrying kind.”

We got close after that discussion. Closer than ever. He was at my place on Friday nights. I cooked him dinners. We were making plans for a hiking trip together – you know, when I was in awesome shape. He told me he loved me and couldn’t imagine life without me.

And then as he always did…. he bailed. He pulled a Mr. Big and disappeared from my life.

So, if you take anything from this it’s…. Sex and the City is still an entertaining watch. But some of the ideas about love and marriage are so cringe. Like this one.

This is my sage advice for this week:

Don’t marry someone who loves you more. Marry someone you are madly, deeply in love with – someone you consider your best friend. Someone you can rely on and doesn’t make you cry. Someone who knows you for who you are and you don’t have to pretend with.

And this is why I’m….Mostly Single – and will probably stay that way.

Also, the first movie – is a guilty little pleasure. I watch it whenever I’m feeling a little lonely or need a good laugh. It’s a good movie. The second was just rubbish. I watch it every Christmas just for this scene alone. And this song makes me tear up.

Yes, it’s a cheesy movie – but sometimes you just need that. And a good cry.

I promise – I don’t write this often every day. Sometimes you just gotta write what you feel!

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I just want to party on an expensive yacht. Just once. Is that too much to ask for?

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My phone buzzed sometime in between loads of laundry, cleaning my kitchen and sitting down at the computer to write my weekly post. I haven’t done the research I promised to do into fitness and weight loss. Things have just been so busy I haven’t had the time to put into it. Yeah, I’m a bad blogger. I’m not sorry though.

When I looked at who texted me, I felt more annoyed than excited – and I immediately felt guilty for it. It was then that it dawned on me. I’ve been single for exactly four years now – almost to the day.

Not long ago, I updated my profile on Meetup.com in the hopes of making some new friends and joining some travel groups. I even found some events that I was interested in – but things have been so busy with the family, I just haven’t the energy to put into meeting new people.

Shortly after updating my profile, I received a couple of messages from random guys. And I thought, what the hell. I’ll respond. After all, I was there to meet new friends, right?

What I love about the website is you can log on whenever you want to and respond to messages whenever you feel like it. With Facebook, I always feel pressured to respond right away. It got to the point I actually turned the chat box off after awhile. Even my family group chat can be tedious to have to respond to every day. But I love seeing photos of my nieces and nephews. And the grandbaby. I love my grand nephew to pieces, even though the little asshole slapped me in the face last night.  He made up for it later by blowing kisses.

Babies can be assholes too. Good thing the little jerk is cute.

When I looked at my phone and saw who was texting, I actually sighed and ignored it. Making small talk is not my favorite thing to do. It feels like a chore at best of times. I’m a bad texter. So texting small talk is just painful. Really painful. I’m all thumbs.

And I turned off my auto-correct so now I can’t type anything.

Related image

It’s been so long since I actually went on a date that I wouldn’t even know how to act, or what to say. Getting to know someone new is painful for me too. Just how much do you let that person in? Ghosting is a real thing. Why go through all that work just for the potential to be ghosted later down the road?

That’s why I joined meetup.com – for fun and adventurous group outings. I figured the best way to meet new people was just to get out there and try new things and get involved.

The other night, I created a new event for a concert that I’m attending in the fall. I thought a group outing with new friends would be fun. No harm, right?

And this dude that I had met one time in 2012 messages me later that night and says, “Oh, I guess you don’t want to get together, do you?”

I met him one time. ONE time. But for some reason he thought we were going to hook up for coffee or something.

Sometimes I feel like chatting online, is like this conversation on The Family Guy.

How much clearer do I need to be? I already told him twice in previous conversations  that I wasn’t interested in a relationship. I clearly told him I was only interested in meeting new people for group outings. That was it. That is all I want at this point in my life.

And then my phone buzzed again today. As it has several times for the last few days. And rather than being excited at the chance of getting to know someone new – it felt like my personal time was being invaded.

I want to make it clear that this had nothing to do with the person messaging me. This is all on me. Really. It’s all me. And so, I had to be honest with myself – and this new guy that I had been enjoying a friendly banter with.

But I guess there comes a time when even friendly banter gets stale and one person will want more. I’m just not there yet. Dating is hard. There’s pressure on all fronts. And it’s just not a stress I need in my life right now. So, I guess this post can serve as an open letter to all the men that have messaged me recently.

Life is busy right now. I’ve made all kinds of promises to myself and my family. With an upcoming trip to Toronto and plans for more travel – I just don’t have the time or need for a relationship right now.

I’ve been single for so long now, that I’ve found interesting things to fill my time with. I have two blogs to run. I have a full time job. I have a part time gig on the weekends. I have my family commitments. And my dad to see on the weekends. I have a good friend who needs me right now as her partner is going through chemo. I also want to take cooking lessons. Get back into photography. And travel.

I thought I was ready and at a point in my life where I would be able to welcome someone new in. But the pain from my last relationship is still fresh. Even four years later. Maybe I’ll never be able to date again. And that’s something I have to live with. And maybe one day when I least expect it, I’ll run into a handsome millionaire on a singles cruise who wants to spoil me and buy me fancy things like a downtown Toronto condo – or yacht.

I don’t know where I’d use the yacht – I mean, I live downtown Edmonton. But I want a yacht damnit. I deserve a yacht. Just once in my life – I’d love to have an exciting weekend like Leo seems to have. I mean, is it too much to ask for? Is it too much to ask for that I want to do this on my own and experience all that life has to offer – as a happy and single person?

Image result for wolf of wall street yacht

And so, that is where we are today. It’s been a quiet and reflective Monday after a whirlwind of a weekend. It was a busy weekend and I was surrounded by people – people that I love with all my heart. And I’m not ready to give that up just yet.

Nor should I ever have to.

And with that, I’m going back to my frozen yogurt and the sweet sounds of Al Stewart and The Year of the Cat. Because I’m old. And this is what old people listen to.

And I’m not going to make any more promises on future blog posts. But I am super stoked for Toronto and I will be sharing some travel photos with you soon.

Updated January 1, 2021 — because it seems videos were removed from Youtube. Ducking, Youtube. Here’s a clip from the Wolf of Wall Street. Just once. I’d love to have money like this and party on a yacht.

 

What’s your favorite Leo movie? I’ve updated this in 2022 after watching Don’t Look Up. Highly recommend it.