The worst part of depression episodes and what I’ve learned from living with depression — it’s usually worse in winter months.
It isn’t that you want to sleep all the time which you do. Sometimes from 8 hours, to 12 hours, to 36 hours and you’re still tired.
It isn’t that you isolate yourself and sabotage relationships, though that can happen. The thought of talking to another human being takes a lot of effort some days.
It isn’t like there’s a button you can turn it on and off at will. Depression comes and goes when it wants to. Some have it easier than others. For others, there’s no turning it off. Ever.
It isn’t the fact that even though you know you need a shower, just mustering up the energy to have one can take up ALL the energy you have for that day.
It isn’t the fact that even eating or sitting outside can make you feel better, but it feels like a chore. Eventually you lose your appetite too.
It isn’t the fact that you do lose friends over it – and it happens again and again. But new ones will come along. They always do.
It’s the fact that you can’t clean and let basic day to day tasks slide. My place has been such a disaster. Having regular company kept me motivated to clean. Now…I’m finally doing a massive clean up for the first time since before Christmas. Because I finally have the energy to do so.
It’s all energy. Either you have it. Or you don’t. And when you don’t have it, the simplest of tasks can’t be done.
I call it post-depressive episode cleaning. And today, it feels good.
Decluttering the home. And the mind too.
There is a light at the end of what seemed like a long and dark tunnel. Today was a good day. I hope this energy lasts. The longer days are helping and they’ll get longer and longer too.
Make the most of those good days. You just gotta take it day by day.