Tag Archives: dynamics

relationships

Boundaries and expectations in new relationships

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I’m seeing a lot of posts in my feed about boundaries. And while doing some shadow work, I’ve done a lot of thinking about mine and what I have learned this past year.

Everyone has their own set of boundaries and limits that adhere to their core values. Sometimes core values are a work in progress as people that come into your life will test them. Or sometimes, when you have such a strong chemistry with someone, you may overlook certain values to try and make a connection work. Though, sometimes that is a recipe for a natural disaster.

There is a difference though. Between someone who is a walking red flag, and someone who makes honest mistakes. I said this today on someone else’s post and it really strikes a cord with me.

A person that repeatedly disrespects or ignores your boundaries, does NOT respect or deserve you. However. It’s on you, the other person in the connection, to make it clear from the start what those boundaries are. Relationships, no matter what the dynamic are two way streets.

A person who makes a mistake, or pushes a boundary without knowing it – now that’s different. If the person realizes that they were in the wrong, and does whatever they can to rectify the situation or make amends – it shows that person learned from their errors. In my eyes, that’s a good person. Someone who is willing to do the work and takes lessons away from shitty situations. Someone who strives not to hurt others. That’s a person I’d value as a friend and would be honored to have in my life.

We’re human. We’re all going to make mistakes from time to time. It’s what you take away from the situation that makes you a better person. It’s taking lessons and working hard not to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Even if it means taking some time to yourself – to work on yourself. To figure out what your core values are. And what you will and won’t accept in your life.

Some lessons we have to learn the hard way. And in doing so, when one door closes, sometimes it opens another and makes room for new people to come into your life. New friendships form. New opportunities to learn from each other happen. And sometimes you can reconcile with past partners or friends. And sometimes you can’t. Sometimes you just have to learn to let go.

For me. I know what my boundaries are now. I have a clear and set expectation from future partners and connections. It’s up to me – to communicate those clearly to new friends and potential partners.

If I’ve done something wrong, and I’m not told about it, how the hell am I supposed to learn from my mistakes? That’s not fair either.

Communication is key. Without that, all else fails. That’s my #1 boundary and expectation going forward.

relationships

Rainy autumn mornings, how I love thee

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It’s Monday morning and I just finished my breakfast, now sipping coffee whilst watching the Queen’s funeral. I did not, get up at 3 am in the morning like some of my family members did to watch the affair. But if my mum were still alive, you know she’d be watching with tears streaming down her cheeks.

I kind of like watching replays for a few reasons. You can pause it and not miss anything. You can watch it without getting up at 3 am like I did for the Olympic ceremonies. And you can skip over the boring BBC commentary that lasts for like two hours. For me, I’m watching for the music and to see who all attended the ceremony.

As a musician, I’m no stranger to funerals. I volunteer as a community musician and have played for them often. I did one a couple of weeks ago that had nearly 100 people. The most impressive funeral I played for though was probably my aunt’s. There were over 300 people in the church. People were lined up against the walls and even standing in the hall. It was packed. I remember looking up from the piano at the end of my solo and seeing how many people were seated in the upper balcony. Man. That was a hard day. Even my mum’s funeral didn’t have that many people and that was a really tough day.

Anyway.

I woke up this morning in a great mood. For a few reasons.

I realized the other night that it will be six months in October that my long distance man and I have been together. It started with some flirting over one of my writings on Fetlife. Then he commented on a few pictures. Then out of boredom and being the flirt that I am, I hit him up in his DM’s.

And the rest is history. We’ve talked every day since.

Some days, only a few texts if he’s busy. But he makes sure to check in with me daily. We usually finish the night off talking to each other and say goodnight. During the week, we chat while he’s at work and on breaks and sometimes finish the late night with a phone call which are my favorite things to do.

He let me pick out a few necklaces last night on Etsy that I could wear during the day and around family. A simple silver chain with a D-ring that ties them together. It’s to symbolize that I’m his and he owns me which he does.

The relationship has changed and he’s really putting in time and effort to make things work. I don’t know why the change but I’m not complaining. Maybe it’s because I wanted to go on coffee dates with local men here. Which I still hope to do. But honestly, this dynamic is more important to me than finding an in person partner.

It’s messed up, right? But I need that level of control in my life. He’s helped me in many ways. I wouldn’t have the friends I have now if it weren’t for him pushing me to get out to community events. I feel like my confidence has changed, and my moods are becoming more and more stable too as time goes on.

Now, I just need to focus on weight loss and getting into shape. So that if he ever does fly or drive up here – I can be in better shape for whatever we have planned. Giggles.

I made a soup last week that I need to freeze. Last night, I prepped food for the week including fresh fruit and veggie slices. Today, is rainy and cold, so a good day to do some baking. I’ll make some oatmeal treats for breakfast. And I’ve even started batch cooking scrambled eggs and storing them for the next day. Protein for breakfast is important.

I say this after a weekend of binge eating pizza and junk food. It was fun though and worth it. But I’m afraid to step on the scale today. So, back to healthy eating and daily exercise.

I’ll probably see my dad later, once my Amazon order comes through. I ordered some stuffies to help with those lonely feelings at night time and they will get here today along with some other supplies. Including a face roller and makeup.

Anyway. That’s about it. I woke up in a good mood. Tired, but rested. I’ll do a bit of cleaning and cooking before heading out later. And I need to take out the recycling finally to get ready for a party in a couple of weeks.

Life is pretty good right now. My only complaint is: why does Minnesota have to be so far? Someone needs to invent teleportation. Stat.