It’s a double posting kind of day. Honestly, the days are so long with being off work that I get lost in my own head a bit too much. The one way to get out of my head, is to write everything down. Which is esentially – why I started this blog last spring.

The blog kind of grew from there as I started writing about different topics and subjects. I went through a phase where I couldn’t get enough of researching various topics and writing about them. Then I kind of got bored with that and went back to music.

This is how my brain works. I can’t focus on one task for too long. I get bored easily. I was never diagnosed with ADHD – when we were kids, it wasn’t a thing. Some people in my family didn’t believe in mental illnesses. And yet here I am, working on my anxiety issues and actually taking part in therapy and speaking openly about it.

I’ve always been a highly anxious person. School would stress me out. Tests. Social functions. Being around people. Later in life – my stress became about work. And then of course, men and relationships.

My ex Trigger, I haven’t talked about him in a while. He’s the main reason I’m still single to this day. He used to tell me that I “over-think everything and it exhausted him.” Yeah, he actually said things like that.

Looking back now, I know a lot of what he said was emotionally abusive – I just wanted to be with him so badly because I thought we were “in love” that I ignored the warning signs and red flags.

My brother in law recently said to me that I should “find a Bill Gates guy, a rich guy with a lot of money and marry him.” I laughed at him and said those type of guys don’t exist. Or they want a young and beautiful blonde by their side. I am neither of those things. My gray hairs are definitely coming through thanks to COVID and lack of salons.

I’ve been single now for FIVE years by my choice. My relationship with Trigger was so toxic that it has taken that long for me to “get over it”. But I think when you love someone, you never really “get over” them. You just learn to let go, and move on. I’ve forgiven him. I’ve forgiven myself. And I think, I’m ready to move on.

But I still have work to do. I still have healing to do for myself. While I’m feeling a lot better these days – I still want to get in better shape so I can go back to doing all the things I loved to do. Things like hiking. Travel Photography. I’m working on building strength in my knees so I can do long walks again.

Travel gets lonely after a while as a single person. It’d be nice to have someone just to go on weekend vacations or a road trip with – just to get out of the city. As a non driver, it’s one thing I really miss.

I’ve been single for so long now – that I think I have forgotten how to be with someone – or even let someone in.

How much of yourself do you give to a person early on? That whole “getting to know” someone phase can be fun – but really – how much of your past are you willing to share? How much of “you” do you let them see?

I guess these are things I still struggle with. I know I’m an awesome person. I can be a good friend. I have a lot of interests. I’m pretty intelligent and can carry on conversations. I have plenty of great experiences I can talk about.

But because of past emotional abuse – some words still haunt me to this day. “You overthink everything, you’re exhausting” – is one of them. “You stress too much about life in general” or my personal favorite when my ex Kevin broke up with me after one of the worst years of my life.

“You stopped being fun.”

Yeah. Some guy actually said that to me.

Those things – those words – they stay with you. And they even haunt you, no matter how much you try and suppress them or forget them.

But there’s something lacking in my life. Something I’m missing. I don’t necessarily need a relationship to complete my life. I’m not even sure that I want a relationship. But I think what I miss most is that companionship. That closeness you share with someone. Talking on a regular basis. Getting together for drinks. Or to watch a movie.

Or just take a day and drive out to the badlands and explore with cameras – because that is something I’ve wanted to do for years.

Even going to Denmark is a dream. To see my family. To see my dad’s home country. To experience my culture. But it’s all better when you have someone to share those experiences with.

I guess… even despite having a good group of friends and family that I can rely on. And even having an amazing therapist who is supportive of whatever I need to return to work —

I feel like something is missing. Something is lacking.Maybe it’s connection.

But why is it — -the things we want the most – also scare us the most?