Tag Archives: life lessons

Meaningful apologies and making amends

This is something that I’ve been really mulling over the past couple of weeks since having a falling out with someone that I felt was important to me. It saddens me how easily relationships can fall apart. But – as everything in life, I acknowledge that I made mistakes in how I handled the situation. I’m going to use this space to share what I learned during this process. And hopefully, if my person sees this post, he will know that I am truly sorry for the way things ended.

And TikTok Tarot is just messing my head with promises that he is missing me just as much as I’m missing him and he is full of regret. I’ll believe it when I see it. I’m trying to believe that if it’s meant to be – it will work out. Anyone else tired of these karmic lessons in life? I know I am.

Take ownership of your mistakes

The first step to making amends is to own up to your mistakes. Fully acknowledge what you did wrong. Write it down if you need to. Don’t make it about you – owning up to your mistakes means knowing how it affected the other party involved. Own up. Admit that you were in the wrong. Take responsibility for your actions.

Listen to their side of the story

This is crucial. Don’t make it all about you or how the situation affected you. Listen to them. Acknowledge that their feelings are valid and that you hear what they have to say. Make them feel heard and seen. This is an important step that not everyone remembers to take.

If they ask for time and space, give it to them

Maybe this was my biggest karmic lesson of this year. If someone asks you for space and time, give it to them. We all process news differently. Some people need to take a longer time to deal with their emotions. Sometimes space is needed to figure out what a person really needs in a relationship. And sometimes space is needed when things move too quickly. It’s okay to take a pause.

However. For me, I’m an anxious person and attachment. If someone asks for space, next time, I’ll ask for a timeline. Not only does this confirm that the person plans on coming back, but it also gives me an idea of how much time will be needed. Whether it’s days, or weeks. If it’s any longer than a couple of weeks, than prepare for the fact that the relationship may be over. Don’t make rash decisions. Don’t pull away completely. But just be prepared for whatever outcome that may happen. Don’t put your life on hold for a “maybe”.

Apologies mean nothing if you don’t back it up with action

In order to truly show that you are sorry, you’re going to have to work hard to rebuild trust if it was broken. That means, following through with promises made. Making a list of actions you’ll take going forward to help rectify the problem. That might mean getting counseling or outside help if the problem is a big one. Or just simply by being there for your person.

Find out what they need and do your best to fulfill those needs. And if you can’t, or find that you aren’t compatible in that department – then make an exit plan to let them go. But gently. Be kind about it. Show compassion. Don’t promise to “be friends” if you don’t mean to. Let them go if necessary. Make a clean break if all else fails.

Give them time to heal

Even after you’ve made your apology known and taken all the steps above, your person might need more time to heal. It’s possible that whatever happened, triggered something inside them from past traumas. Or some hurts, like cheating/infidelity, might take longer to “get over” or forgive. And sometimes, the hurt is just too much to let go of.

Practice empathy here. Don’t smother. Don’t love-bomb them. Just be there for them and give space when asked for it.

What NOT to say during an apology

Some things I have learned about what NOT to say during an apology:

“I’m sorry you feel that way” instead try “I’m sorry that I caused you (insert feeling here). It wasn’t my intention.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say” instead say something like, “I’m really sorry. What do you need from me at this time?”

“I’m sorry, but…” – this makes the apology all about you.

“I’m not perfect…” it comes from a good place, but it’s cliché. Again, the apology is not about you. It’s about how they feel.

DO show remorse! This is crucial. Show remorse, and mean it. But don’t exaggerate it. If you feel the need to cry, then let it out. If you’re really hurting, then that is your emotion and you need to manage that. It could be guilt from knowing that you hurt the other person. At least… I know that’s the case for me. I feel a lot of guilt.

Karmic lessons for personal growth

Apologies only mean something if you are truly remorseful for your actions. Without remorse or understanding of how you hurt the other person, then there is no way for you to learn or grow from your mistakes.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable in a connection can be a frightening thing. Opening up your heart and actually following through with promises, shows that you are willing to make up for your wrongs.

Making mistakes is a very human thing to do. Humans aren’t perfect. I know I’m not. I don’t strive to be. I had someone call me a “perfect diamond” recently, and it made me want to puke in my mouth a little bit. Perfection is too much work.

I believe in karmic lessons and what we put out into this universe comes back to us. If you continue to make the same mistakes over and over again, then you’re not giving yourself the chance to grow. By taking ownership of your faults, and working at them, to better yourself – you’re opening yourself up for a world of possibilities and growth.

Whether you believe in the law of attraction or not, owning up to your mistakes and doing all you can to make amends is part of the human experience. What I have learned is that you also have to be willing to forgive yourself too. Some hurts might be too much for the other person to let go. And sometimes, relationships can’t survive or end because of the damages you caused.

Healing can only happen, when we learn to forgive ourselves – for when others, cannot.

Promises to myself and more lessons learned

It’s been a very introspective kind of weekend and I’ve been lost in a lot of thought and soul searching. In between social gatherings, seeing family, friends and having a few too many glasses of rum. Oy vey. But – I compiled a list of lessons that I learned this year and am making some promises to my future self.

I thought I would share them here. Not only for accountability, but to help inspire others to do the same. I may have written this out in haste last night after a couple of glasses of rum. I woke up at 6 am this morning, wide eyed, and in a better mind set.

I love early mornings when it’s still dark out. The world is quiet. I’ve got the fireplace roaring. A hot cup of coffee. Quiet music in the background. And the world around me is still silent. Or maybe that’s the noise canceling headphones.

Note: this isn’t aimed at any one person in particular. Just some lessons I learned since coming back to the scene.

You can’t be friends with everyone. Not everyone is going to like you

I learned this lesson last time I was out in the scene. There are going to be haters. People that you just don’t see eye to eye with. But you choose to either avoid them, not share your space with them – or learn to communicate in a respectful manner. Sometimes avoiding is just easier.

Don’t lose yourself in relationships

This I still struggle with. Sometimes I lose a bit of myself when in relationships. I’m a people pleaser. I like to see my partners happy. I tend to put others needs before my own. And when that relationship ends, it feels like I’ve lost a part of myself. Which, I guess, is partially true. But the lesson now is to learn to take better care of myself. Treat myself as I would my partner.

When someone asks you for something, give it to them

When someone asks for space or time to think about things, let them have the space or time. My anxiety is terribly for this. I’m an anxious attachment that works better with secure attachments. I tend to make things worse by trying to fix them, instead of just letting them be. I’m not needy. I’m not this clingy person. But when conflict arises, I suddenly lose all reason. And the irrational side of my brain kicks in. Panic and fear takes over. I make things worse than they are. Until eventually, I push people away. And I’m tired of doing this to myself and to others.

It’s okay, not to be okay sometimes. But don’t isolate.

Fight or flight mode is high when you have anxiety. My initial gut reaction is to just hide with my feelings. I can sometimes go for days without speaking to people. Or at least I used to. Now I have people that reel me back in. I want to work at being a better friend and being there for them – and not solely obsessing over my own problems. Isolation makes things way fucking worse.

It’s okay to be okay, but DO ask for help or support, or a hug when needed. Right now – I’m getting there. Slowly. Day by day.

Keep on writing, and creating things

Instead of turning to music and art during emotionally challenging times, I should just work with my hands and keep busy ALL of the time. It’s something I love and people love seeing my work.

Get back into handmade crafts. Sell some bracelets. Do some painting. Write some music. Do more baking and cooking. Entertain more. Get busy with it, girl.

Size doesn’t matter when it comes to play

One thing I am grateful for, is that there were people who showed me I could have relationships and play even given the size I am right now. I’ll never be thin or athletic. I need to lose weight for health reasons. But it shouldn’t STOP me from enjoying the things in life I want to enjoy.

It’s okay to make mistakes

I made some mistakes this year. I’m working on making amends and doing the right thing. I take every mistake as a learning opportunity. Some mistakes cost me A LOT. And some I’m still healing from. What I can promise to myself, is to do better at apologizing and communicating in a way that is effective and also works for the other party. I also need to learn to forgive myself, even if the other person doesn’t.

Let go of what no longer serves you purpose

This is the hardest lesson of all. I get attached easily to new relationships and friendships. I’m the type of person who wants to make things right. I have my limits and my boundaries, like everyone does – but I don’t give up easily for those people I really care for. And sometimes it hurts like hell that people are so easy to just walk away from connections. It’s not easy for me.

Even if it’s the right thing to do at the time, it’s not easy. I struggle with letting go. Even if there are no more reasons to stay.

There are more things I’ve thought about – but I think that’s a good list. Writing is a passion of mine. I do have a blog that I don’t share here (stalker issues). Communication was going to be my career before I got sick. So, I’ll get back into blogging and sharing informative articles here too.

What have you learned this last year?