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Finding love again after forty. Is it possible in today’s world?

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It’s late as I sit down to write this post. It’s been an eventful couple of weeks and I haven’t written much in the blog. That’s being done on purpose. I’ve found that when I post daily, people don’t engage. If I post every few days, I’ll get more interaction. And so, I’m trying to cut back.

But the other part is I’m struggling these days. Emotionally. I’ve lived with this illness all my life and I’ve come to accept that it’s a permanent disability with no cure. That’s just part of my life now. How can I meet someone new and let them into my life, when some days, I can’t even get out of bed? What kind of life could I offer someone?

Lately, I’m finding that I’m angry and resentful about my choices in life. I stopped dating back in 2015 after Greg and I broke up. The relationship was so toxic that I couldn’t ever see myself being with another man. Or woman. I’m straight in that sense. That’s not to say that I didn’t experiment when I was younger. I mean, that’s what your early 20’s are for.

There were men over the years. I dated a lot in my teens and early 20’s. There were a few steady relationships over the years. Cory, we dated for almost three years until I was 21. Then Ken came along for a year. Then Greg and I met for the first time and fell in love. It was a short and rocky six months. But there was love there. We reconnected later in life and would get involved off and on for nearly five years.

I dated other men in between our breaks. It was his idea, saying he couldn’t give me what I wanted. James came back over the years. We got closer than ever in 2012. Then the man who told me he never wanted to marry, got married and has a family of his own. After giving him nearly 19 years of my life.

Love is stupid sometimes. And blind. Turns out, I was just an option to him. Never making the top list. I was never marriage material.

I found great love early in life when I wasn’t ready to make a commitment. By the time I was ready to offer my love to someone, I had either gotten too old or the men weren’t interested in me in the same way. Perhaps it’s my fault for dating the wrong kind of men.

But here we are. March 2022 and I just realized I haven’t been with a partner since 2015. That’s a long time to be single. At first, I thought this is what I wanted. Now… I guess I feel lonely and cut off. I see my friends and family happy in their marriages and I wonder if I missed out.

People tell me that it’s never too late. In some ways it is. I’ve lived alone far too long to even know how to let someone in. I’m still trying desperately to lose weight. To get to a place where I feel comfortable in my own skin and maybe, at some point, let myself be intimate with someone.

I know. People tell me weight shouldn’t matter. I should just find someone that loves me for me. But .. it’s fucking hard. There are wars going on in the world. People are struggling financially. Some people have lost hope. And then you have me, living with a disability and not even able to much due to constant pain.

I saw a geneticist this week and it was a life changing appointment. He got more work done in one appointment, than most of my GP’s have all my life. I’m being referred to the right care team. At least, I hope they’re the right ones. If they tell me to just lose weight, I might fucking scream and punch them in the face.

How do you let someone in when you’ve closed yourself off to the world for this long? I wouldn’t even know where to begin. There’s so much mistrust, so much hurt and pain. Still even after all these years.

There’s a saying that you only get three great loves in your life. Well, if that’s true, then maybe I’ve used up all my great loves. Soul mates? I thought I had found that in Greg. Turns out he was just another dud in the saddle feeding me all the right lines I wanted to hear.

I know some of you come to this blog for uplifting messages, and to read stories of my life. I’m sorry to disappoint you with this all tonight.

For the first time in a long time, I’m feeling a little lonely. Maybe a little sorry for myself.

I often wonder what life would have been like had I married young, when I had been asked. There were two men, that if I stuck with them, I could have been married. But I wasn’t ready. One of the men even turned to me later and said, “I got married right after you. That could have been you.”

And so.. I sit here. With pensive and negative thoughts. But I’m all right. There’s a plan. A course of action to get me on the road to improving quality of life.

Maybe one day in the near future. I can find love again too.

To the man who still calls me an attention seeking whore: I’ve been single for seven years. You’re delusional.

That’s enough wallowing for now.

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Sex and the City Re-watch #3: do we need marriage to define who we are in society?

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I’ve moved onto season three of my Sex and the City re-watch. Miranda is living with Steve (whom she eventually marries later on). Carrie is dating Aidan – we all know how that turns out. Charlotte is desperate for marriage and claims she’s going to “get married this year damnit.” And Sam – well, Samantha has her usual sexy adventures but this time with a doctor who is addicted to Viagra for sexual purposes and gratification.

One scene in the episode “Drama Queens” really stuck with me and I felt compelled to start this post. I mean, how else am I going to get inspired to write about relationships as a single person?

Miranda and Carrie are walking down the street while discussing Steve’s “skid marks” and how their relationship has become “too comfortable” since moving in together.

Carrie says to Miranda, “Aidan’s acting exactly how I wished Big would react, and I’m acting exactly like the way I wished Big would have behaved.”

And Miranda, with her big voice of reason pipes up with this:

Maybe you don’t believe it’s real unless someone is playing hard to get.

Miranda – Sex and the City

Isn’t that the way it goes though? When things work out naturally on their own, we as humans tend to over complicate things because it feels too… easy?

Do all relationships have to have a purpose?

Out of boredom, I ignored my own advice and hopped onto Reddit to see what was happening. Someone asked this loaded question in one of the subs I’m a member of. It’s a great question. One that got me thinking about my past relationships.

And let me tell you faithful readers, there were a LOT of relationships. I dated many guys in my younger years. It’s probably why I am “living the single life” as I do now.

I always read through the responses before giving my own feedback because sometimes a comment will spark a memory or I might see something I really agree with. But this comment. This winner right here – just pissed me off. And I ignored my own advice about not arguing with random strangers on the internet.

Relationships are essential to a healthy and happy life.

Marriage is a ritual and affords special status in societies. Sex outside of marriage is frowned upon or even severely punished in many societies.

Some random asshole on the internet

I responded to this ignorant comment with:

So you’re saying single people can’t have a rich and full life being on their own? That’s pretty condescending.

Me – taking this too personally

And this is when it hit me. This is when I knew I had made a mistake. Some stranger had given me a reward for my comment. And just when I was feeling good and congratulating myself for the award, I received this comment back.

No. But we are not solitary animals. I don’t think a life in solitude is full and rich. Regardless, it’s what some choose.

Most relationships aren’t sexual and some marriages aren’t sexual. But we are sexual animals. I don’t think a life without sex is rich and full. Regardless, it’s what some choose.

I’ve certainly been arrogant, condescending, petty, vindictive, cruel, you name it. But I’ve found it’s best to give internet strangers the benefit of the doubt. There are already too many Karens on the internet who have appointed themselves morality police.

A random troll on Reddit

DID HE JUST CALL ME A KAREN?????

I don’t think a life without sex is rich and full. Regardless, it’s what some choose.

This comment was spoken by some idiot who has never experienced peri-menopause. There just comes a time in your life when sex isn’t the most important part of your life. Hormones can really have an impact on your overall drive. And you get to a point where you don’t even think about sex all that much anymore.

But I would NEVER dismiss someone who made that choice and tell them that their life isn’t rich and full because they aren’t having sex. That’s just plain ignorant. Not everyone needs sex in their life. And for me, at this time, I’m just not that into it.

What’s the point of being in a relationship, if your endgame isn’t marriage?

But what about marriage? Don’t you need to get married to define your social status? Don’t you want to get married, have two kids, the big house with the white picket fence and a pet dog? Don’t you want the — American dream?

My answer to this is always the same.

Some people just aren’t meant to be married. Common-law is just as good as marriage where I live. Sometimes having that piece of paper that makes the relationship official, just makes things more complicated. I’m okay with being on my own. It’s the married people that can’t seem to accept my lifestyle choices. Why should I get married – to be placed into a proverbial box that defines my social status? Because it makes you feel better about your life choices?

Since when does being married define who I am or how I fit into society? Since when does being single mean that I’m not contributing to society in some way? I work (usually). I pay my bills. I pay taxes. I contribute to the economy. I vote. I participate in things that matter. I even recycle. I don’t do drugs. I don’t commit crimes. I even file my taxes annually and on time.

But just because I’m single — that makes me a lesser part of society than a woman who is married with kids, has the white picket fence and a dog?

That’s just bullshit – pardon my French. But it really is. Pure and utter bullshit.

And why do all relationships have to have a purpose? Why do relationships need to be defined or have a label to describe them? Does it really matter what we call our relationships? Does it matter if relationships are long-term, short-term, monogamous or poly? Does it matter if I just want to have fun for a night, or a week or a year? Does it really matter to anyone but me?

At the end of the day, if two people enjoy each other’s company and strive to make each other happy – isn’t that what really matters? Why do we need a piece of paper to validate our feelings? Because society deems it so?

Fuck society and social status. You being married doesn’t make you any better of a person than I am for choosing the single life.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate marriage. It’s just not for me. Some of my best friends are married couples. And I’m happy for them. I’m just tired of constantly being asked, “don’t you want to get married?”

Why over complicate things with labels? Why put pressure on relationships when there doesn’t need to be? Yes, I have people in my life that I can turn to and invite out for dinner, drinks or just hang out with. I have friends that are men and women. We get together. We have fun. We solve all the world’s problems together while sipping back a few glasses of wine.

And then I go home to my bed. And they go home to theirs. And I am perfectly fine with these arrangements. My companions, mean more to me, than any sexual partner I’ve ever had. And these relationships – these friendships – these people are my soulmates in the sense that we are friends for life.

My life is as rich and fulfilled as I need it to be at this very moment that I write out this long winded rant. I don’t need some ignorant person on the internet to tell me that I’m doing “life” all wrong. And I don’t need society trying to define who I am – through my relationship status.

So, what’s the point in being a relationship if you don’t plan on getting married?

My friends, I’ll leave you with this quote from Sex and the City to let you ponder on this – next time you ask your single friend “but don’t you want to get married?”

The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that’s just fabulous

Sex and the City

And to quote the ever adorable Samantha Jones:

I love you. But I love me more. I’ve been in a relationship with myself for (43) years, and that’s the one I have to work on.

Samantha Jones – Sex and the City

Thanks for reading. I’ll be writing the occasional rant or article about relationships as I continue my re-watch. This is something I do every few years and it’s one of my favorite shows from the late 90’s. But it’s funny how you can watch a show with a different perspective later in life and as you reach a certain age.

Thanks for reading!

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Sex and the City Re-watch #2: Relationships are like comfort foods

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I woke up at 7:30 am this morning but lazed in bed until about 8:15 am when I finally crawled out of bed. I’m slowly sipping reheated coffee from yesterday and have a load of laundry going in the background while listening to a playlist I created on Spotify.

This is how my day starts off most mornings since I’ve been at home. While it’s not the same as getting up at 6:00 am as I was doing when I started this blog – it still gives me a sense of normalcy and accomplishment. Is that wrong? Thinking that getting up before nine am is a major feat?

Sex and the City Re-watch: Are relationships just comfort food?

As you know, I’ve been re-watching Sex and the City, one of my favorite shows from the late 90’s along with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and of course, Xfiles. It’s a great show even today, although some of the ideas are a little outdated. Watching the show as an older person – I find my views on characters and storylines have changed. And it’s been a very surprising revelation at just how much I have changed.

Reminiscing

I was watching old videos last night of my sister’s wedding. At the time, I was in a long -term relationship and my then boyfriend Corey, filmed the entire wedding. Everyone knew him. They loved him. Maybe even more than me. But he and I never had any passion together. We were together for the sake of just being together. After almost three years, we broke up. He wanted to “see what was out there” and I wanted more than he could give me. I also wanted to explore something that brewing inside me- something I didn’t understand at the time but would later on in life.

But watching those old videos made me reminisce about the past. They were supposed to make me feel comforted – but instead, I woke up feeling a little sad this morning.

Something is missing

I think what I miss most about being single is having someone to chat with every day. A best friend. I mean, sure, I have my girlfriends. But I don’t have anyone to share those day to day moments with. I chat often with my sister, but I can’t tell her everything going through my mind. We get along well now – but it took us a long time to get there. For one, she wouldn’t approve of this blog (or this post). Which is why I removed my last name from the site. Writing from a mostly anonymous point of view makes me feel better about sharing intimate details about love, relationships – and even sex.

I don’t miss the drama that comes with starting a new relationship. But I miss the intimacy of having a best friend to chat with and sharing life’s little or big moments with – like selling the family home. Which we did this week! I have very mixed and emotional feelings about it.

Insanity or comforting?

Sometimes I find myself writing out a passionate email to my ex and then I have to stop and remind myself – not to go down this road. I’ve been down it too many times and it’s never a healthy thing to do. I think I keep doing that because it’s familiar. It’s like comfort food -that you regret instantly.

Quote of Albert Einstein | QuoteSaga

Relationships are kind of like comfort food

You get used to having a person around and it becomes comforting. Even if the relationship is toxic or bad for you. But because you “know” that person, it’s like reaching out for an entire chocolate cake. Or like eating cake out of the garbage can – you know it’s a terrible idea but you can’t stop yourself from doing it. You like how it makes you feel at the time. You know the feeling well. You know the consequences of your actions, but on impulse, you reach out and do it anyway.

Or when the relationship ends, you find yourself going back to that person because it’s comforting. But it’s really a false comfort – like chocolate cake. And eating that cake is something that makes you feel like shit afterwards. I know. I speak from experience (both physically and metaphorically speaking). Chocolate cake is nothing but empty calories that makes you feel bloated and in some cases, you even hate yourself for eating it.

I love Miranda

It’s funny. When I was younger and watched Sex and the City, I thought that I was Carrie waiting for my Mr. Big to come around and fall madly in love with me. But now, that I’m older and wiser, I find myself identifying with Miranda more and more. Even right down to eating an entire chocolate cake for comfort. I think just goes to show how much I’ve changed since being single – by choice. Entirely, by choice.

I focused on work and became a bit of an workaholic over the years to fill that void of not being in a relationship. It did wonders for my career at the time. But now that I’m home – I’m spending too much time in my head. Too much time thinking about my past relationships. Too much time wondering – what if?

Miranda was the most level headed person on the show even during her lowest points

Miranda got the worst storylines of the show. She was a successful lawyer and even managed to become a partner in her firm. She owned her own apartment. She eventually fell in love, got married and little Brady with Steve. She moved to Brooklyn for her family and even took in Steve’s mother when she became too ill to live on her own. In the end, Miranda, really was a good person. She turned out to be the one I now, I identify most with.

And even though Miranda had some of the worst hairstyles and boyish outfits compared to the other girls, Miranda was a natural beauty in her own right. And best of all, Miranda was often the voice of reason when the girls obsessed over relationships. Miranda wanted to discuss things like world events, technology, work – anything but relationships when she was single.

And when her friends were in trouble – she would drop everything and run to them to help.

Miranda even FORGAVE Steve for cheating on her in the first movie. Do you know how hard that is to do? I know as I’ve been cheated on. Miranda, a fictional character, is a better person than I could be, as I never forgave James for how he played me all those years.

Miranda, much like me – never wanted to get married. She didn’t see herself a mom. Parenthood just kind of happened. Even the love of her life just kind of happened. And when the timing was right – she went for it. And when things got tough, she faced her fears and learned the art of forgiveness.

Did I do it all wrong? Did I miss out on my soulmate in exchange for comfort food?

Watching this show leaves me with all kinds of questions about my own love life and decisions. I’m getting too lost in my head again.

Should I have gotten married at nineteen when Rob who was living out of his truck proposed to me over the phone? Should I have run away with Steve, the trucker from Calgary who promised me summers full of romance but nothing more? Or should have I stuck it out with Trevor, the shy nerdy IT tech who professed his love for me after I played the piano for him? Even he’s now married with a young toddler.

In fact, most of the guys I dated in my younger years, are now married with kids. Even James, who said he never would get married has been married for FOUR years and has a toddler. The guy who said he would never have kids has a toddler. Let that sink in for a minute.

This spring will mark my SIXTH anniversary of being single. Sometimes I think maybe I’ve been single for too long to even welcome someone new into my life. I don’t miss obsessing over the tiniest details. I don’t miss the stress or the drama…. but…at the same time

I can’t help but wonder – is there ever a time when it becomes too late to find your soulmate?

And as I re-watch Sex and the City, through the lens of a forty something single woman, I can’t help but wonder. Am I the one who is missing out? Did I make the right choice that I needed for me at the time? How do you know when the right time is to … well, start again?

These are mostly questions I’m sending out to the universe that don’t need answers. The show reminds me of simpler times in life. Simpler relationships. Simpler days when I knew what I wanted in life.

When nights were spent with Steve riding in his big wheeler down the highway and sitting in his lap while he let me “drive” to Calgary. Then sneaking back into the house at 6:00 am the next morning. Now that was romance. Those were exciting times. I trusted my gut and spent less time in my head – I had fun and just “went with it” instead of obsessing over details.

(Steve is now living in Texas “off the grid” – the man is impossible to track down. Steve Tesse from Edmonton, if you’re reading this somehow – let me know how you’re doing)

And on that note, I’ll leave you with this scene from the show that gets me every time. Do soulmates exist? I believe in a lot of things, but soulmates? I think that’s too much pressure on a relationship. Finding that one perfect someone for the rest of your life. I mean, the task alone sounds daunting. And terrifying.

And what if – you met your soulmate, but you let him or her go? What happens then?

And for those of us that don’t believe in soulmates, is this why we turn to ex lovers, friends and boyfriends? For that old familiar feeling? To rekindle flames once lost?

Or are they just merely, comfort food?

Do you believe in soul mates? Or are relationships just comfort food?

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Sex and the City – Re-watch: “Marry someone who loves you more…”

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Every couple of years I sit down and re-watch the classic show, Sex and the City which was hugely popular in the late 90’s. Just writing this makes me feel old.

The show was a major hit on HBO at the time and it was a real trend setter. Not only for Sarah Jessica Parker’s wild fashion ensembles but any time the girls went to a real bar or club – that club would be the next biggest thing in New York City.

I always identified with Carrie throughout the series. I bounced from relationship to relationship in my younger years and would obsess over everything – it’s often why my relationships fell apart quickly. My anxiety. I would overthink things and it put too much pressure on the other person.

As you know, I love to write. I even have curly hair (naturally) like Carrie. And mostly, I passed up the opportunity to get married at a young age and dated a Mr. Big for nearly two decades – off and on.

I’ve written about James before in older posts. How he came and went as he pleased. He was almost exactly like Mr Big. – He’d make all kinds of promises and would stick around for a couple of months. But when things started getting “serious” – he’d disappear.

And he had a knack – he’d swoop on in whenever I was happy in other relationships and promise me the world. It was like radar. Either I was really happy in a relationship or really down on life and he’s just swoop right back in.

I didn’t learn until about 2012 – that I was the “other woman”. The woman he hooked up with on the weekends when he was in between relationships. And sometimes – the woman he connected with when he couldn’t see his girlfriends. I am embarassed at how long it took me to discover that this was true. And I found out this by discovering his girlfriend’s Instagram account.

He had texted me from Hawaii where he said he was living for two months. He said he wanted someone to cuddle with and that the person he was there with wasn’t the right person…yeah. Except that she was. He was on vacation for two weeks with his then girlfriend.

And the man who said he would NEVER get married, got married in 2015.

We connected briefly in person to chat about things. He apologized for being such a terrible person. He wanted to remain friends. It was just before his wedding. He said he was getting help for his “lying problem”.

I haven’t seen him since. He even lied about his wedding date. And all I can say, is good riddance. See you later.

Anyway… that’s not the point of this post. This meme is:

Every time I re-watch the series, this episode just pisses me off.

Marriage – or relationships in general are partnerships. They take work from both sides. If one person is doing more work than the other, or making more sacrifices than the other – eventually that person will resent the other.

It isn’t about how much you love someone – it’s about how you treat each other. Relationships should be about respect and equality. Compromise instead of sacrifices.

I’ve learned that you don’t have to share everything with your partner. You can have different interests and different friends – but the best relationships are when both people support each other equally. And unconditionally (within reason – if it’s healthy).

I remember fighting with James by text one day and he asked me what I wanted for him. This was fifteen years into our “casual” relationship. I said things couldn’t stay casual for ever. I was tired of being his dirty secret. I wanted to be more involved in his life – and if he couldn’t do that – we were over.

“What do you want from me? At best, I could be a part-time lover. I’m not the marrying kind.”

We got close after that discussion. Closer than ever. He was at my place on Friday nights. I cooked him dinners. We were making plans for a hiking trip together – you know, when I was in awesome shape. He told me he loved me and couldn’t imagine life without me.

And then as he always did…. he bailed. He pulled a Mr. Big and disappeared from my life.

So, if you take anything from this it’s…. Sex and the City is still an entertaining watch. But some of the ideas about love and marriage are so cringe. Like this one.

This is my sage advice for this week:

Don’t marry someone who loves you more. Marry someone you are madly, deeply in love with – someone you consider your best friend. Someone you can rely on and doesn’t make you cry. Someone who knows you for who you are and you don’t have to pretend with.

And this is why I’m….Mostly Single – and will probably stay that way.

Also, the first movie – is a guilty little pleasure. I watch it whenever I’m feeling a little lonely or need a good laugh. It’s a good movie. The second was just rubbish. I watch it every Christmas just for this scene alone. And this song makes me tear up.

Yes, it’s a cheesy movie – but sometimes you just need that. And a good cry.

I promise – I don’t write this often every day. Sometimes you just gotta write what you feel!

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Never make someone a priority, when you are just an option.

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After I wrote my piece this morning on emotional abuse, I got thinking about my relationship with James. It was an on and off relationship that went on for many years. Too many years. 19 years to be exact.

Now first off – we didn’t date all that time. We met when I was 20 and dated casually for a couple of months. But he worked in the oil patch and was out of town a lot. He would disappear sometimes without communication – yes I know. I sure know how to pick these guys, right? Like a moth to a flame, someone said to me recently. I’m working on this.

While dating James, I met Cory who I connected with quickly. Cory was a nice guy, lived at home – but he was dependable and we communicated daily. It was a nice change.

I knew I had to make a decision on what guy I wanted to stick with – and wound up seeing both guys on the same day!

James and I went for a quick lunch date before he dropped me off at work. And Cory stopped by MOMENTS later to say hi. I mean, the guys just barely missed each other.

My supervisor at the time who turned into a good friend, because we worked the late shifts together – he laughed his ass off, literally – when Cory walked in the door. He shook his head and went into the cooler and told me later on….

“You need to make a decision”

And so. I picked Cory. And we dated for three years. It was at a time in my life that I wanted to settle down – but he wasn’t ready.

In the third year of our relationship, James contacted me again and wanted to hang out. He always seemed to know when I was emotionally unstable. It’s like he had radar.

We hooked up after Cory and I broke up. Dated for a couple of more months. Then he disappeared. And this was a repitive pattern for many years.

I dated other people when he disappeared. But I always felt like I loved him and he was the one I was meant to be with. I was just “waiting for him to grow up” which he never did.

We became really close in 2012 for about six months. Probably the closest we had ever come to an actual relationship. He was over on the weekends. We had dinners together. We even talked about a hiking trip.

But that’s all it ever was – talk. He would bail last minute every damn time we had plans. I finally caught him later in 2012 when he was texting me from Hawaii.

I did a search for his name – this is around the time Instagram became popular. I found out that yes he was in Hawaii – and he wasn’t alone – he didn’t need hugs – he was traveling with his GIRLFRIEND.

Who would become his wife a few years later. And mother of his child. Something he swore to me for 19 years of our friendship – something he didn’t want. He swore he would never marry and he never wanted kids.

But what he was really saying – was that he didn’t want to me marry ME. It was me. He was never serious about me like I was about him. And that destroyed me for a while.

At least until I reconnected with Trigger – whom I dated off an on for four years.

I’m still thinking of writing a book about this romance. If you can call it that. I think he loved me in his way. But James was a pathological liar and serial cheater. And it took me a long time to accept that I would be nothing more than his “side chick.”

And so, today – I’m going to share some warning signs that I ignored so I can spare you some grief I put myself through. I knew deep down what was going on – but I refused to see it.

See, the one thing about James that confused was he would often spend the night when he came to see me. When most guys are looking for a “side piece” (I hate that term, for the record) — they will text or call you and ask to hook up late at night.

Signs that you are just a “side piece”

In my experience, like with Trigger, he would often stop by after his shop closed. He would stay for a couple of hours and then leave. I always suspected he had someone waiting for him – but I never wanted to admit it. I’m stupid when it comes to men. It’s partly why I’m single now.

With James, he would stay overnight – make plans with me for the following day. We’d have breakfast and coffee together in the morning. He’d check his phone – and then he’d find some excuse to bail on me.

I wouldn’t hear from him for a couple of weeks. This was a vicious cycle.

So, if a guy comes to visit you late at night and bails the next day – or leaves right after sex – there’s a good chance he’s rushing home to someone else.

He’s protective of his phone

James almost never took his cell phone out when we were together. This is why it was so hard for me to believe that I was just his side piece. When we were together – we were together. We talked. Watched movies. Cuddled. And then spent the night together.

He was caring. Kind. And attentive. And let’s face it – the sex was good too. I mean, there’s a reason I kept going back to him.

Trigger on the other hand – was very protective of his phone. He would leave the room to respond to texts. He almost never took calls in the same room. And he never let me see his phone.

That should have been a huge red flag and it was. I just – ignored it like all the other red flags.

Because again. Love makes me do stupid things.

Dropped Conversations

James was terrible for this. We’d have a nice conversation via texting and I’d ask him a serious question. And then boom. Radio silence. It seemed like every time I asked him a question or if the conversation got intense, he’d drop the conversation.

I once outright asked him if he had someone with him which he denied. We got into a huge argument one day while I was at work when he finally responded to me.

He said he didn’t think that he should have to maintain regular contact with me to “be my friend”. I told him I didn’t sleep with friends – I slept with partners. And if he wasn’t my partner – then what the hell was he?

He told me he “at best a part-time lover”.

And that’s when it hit me – I would never be more to him than just someone he could call when he wanted “companionship”.

You never meet his family or friends

This one bothered me with James. When we dated early on – when I was 18-19, I met his parents. He was renting the basement from them and I met his mom first, then his dad.

I invited James to parties, birthday parties – family events – but he never showed an interest. He never showed an interest in my birthdays at all. Or Christmas. He always seemed to disappear around the holidays too.

I never met a single friend of his. Not one. I did however, meet someone who knew him. Several people actually – it’s a small world in Edmonton.

And they all confirmed what I was suspected – James had three or four women on the go most of the time.

I don’t regret my relationships with James or Trigger. They were the two major loves of my life. At least, I had convinced myself I was in love with them. They both said they loved me.

Our relationships were not conventional. I’ve never been the marrying kind. I can’t even live with people – I need my space. But these two guys – I was head over heels in love with them.

Love blinded me. I felt so stupid in the end for having let the relationships go on as long as they did. And this is a big part of why I’m single now. I don’t trust my judgment when it comes to dating and trusting people.

But I still say — I’m a much healthier and happier person now. I’m getting my life back into place. I have plans and goals. I know where I want to be in the future. And I know what I want out of relationships and friendships. Or even just companionship.

I know now – what warning signs to look for. And I am able to now finally – speak my mind without picking a fight. I can communicate without sending angry texts or emails. I can set boundaries and expectations and follow up with what’s expected of me.

I know when the timing is right – love will find me again.

But never again. Will I allow myself to be the “side piece.” Because I deserve better than that. Everyone does.

So ladies, and guys too – don’t let yourself be a side piece. I’ll leave you with this quote that stuck with me:

And on that note, I’m going to have a rum and coke and order in some pizza.

Never make someone a priority when you are just an option for them.

Thanks for reading.

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Advice from my grandmother 3: marriage

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Advice from her school teacher Mr. Sandbaek, early 1920’s, Denmark.

Most happy is the one in a happy marriage.

Second most happy is the single person, who lives for a cause.

The less happy is the one once married, but lost the loved one.

But least happy, is the one in a bad marriage.

Another citation from Mr. Sandbaek, 1920’s, Denmark

Look at the woman,

She is always in love,

Only the object of her love changes.

Advice from my grandmother 
Advice from my grandmother 2