It’s late as I sit down to write this post. It’s been an eventful couple of weeks and I haven’t written much in the blog. That’s being done on purpose. I’ve found that when I post daily, people don’t engage. If I post every few days, I’ll get more interaction. And so, I’m trying to cut back.
But the other part is I’m struggling these days. Emotionally. I’ve lived with this illness all my life and I’ve come to accept that it’s a permanent disability with no cure. That’s just part of my life now. How can I meet someone new and let them into my life, when some days, I can’t even get out of bed? What kind of life could I offer someone?
Lately, I’m finding that I’m angry and resentful about my choices in life. I stopped dating back in 2015 after Greg and I broke up. The relationship was so toxic that I couldn’t ever see myself being with another man. Or woman. I’m straight in that sense. That’s not to say that I didn’t experiment when I was younger. I mean, that’s what your early 20’s are for.
There were men over the years. I dated a lot in my teens and early 20’s. There were a few steady relationships over the years. Cory, we dated for almost three years until I was 21. Then Ken came along for a year. Then Greg and I met for the first time and fell in love. It was a short and rocky six months. But there was love there. We reconnected later in life and would get involved off and on for nearly five years.
I dated other men in between our breaks. It was his idea, saying he couldn’t give me what I wanted. James came back over the years. We got closer than ever in 2012. Then the man who told me he never wanted to marry, got married and has a family of his own. After giving him nearly 19 years of my life.
Love is stupid sometimes. And blind. Turns out, I was just an option to him. Never making the top list. I was never marriage material.
I found great love early in life when I wasn’t ready to make a commitment. By the time I was ready to offer my love to someone, I had either gotten too old or the men weren’t interested in me in the same way. Perhaps it’s my fault for dating the wrong kind of men.
But here we are. March 2022 and I just realized I haven’t been with a partner since 2015. That’s a long time to be single. At first, I thought this is what I wanted. Now… I guess I feel lonely and cut off. I see my friends and family happy in their marriages and I wonder if I missed out.
People tell me that it’s never too late. In some ways it is. I’ve lived alone far too long to even know how to let someone in. I’m still trying desperately to lose weight. To get to a place where I feel comfortable in my own skin and maybe, at some point, let myself be intimate with someone.
I know. People tell me weight shouldn’t matter. I should just find someone that loves me for me. But .. it’s fucking hard. There are wars going on in the world. People are struggling financially. Some people have lost hope. And then you have me, living with a disability and not even able to much due to constant pain.
I saw a geneticist this week and it was a life changing appointment. He got more work done in one appointment, than most of my GP’s have all my life. I’m being referred to the right care team. At least, I hope they’re the right ones. If they tell me to just lose weight, I might fucking scream and punch them in the face.
How do you let someone in when you’ve closed yourself off to the world for this long? I wouldn’t even know where to begin. There’s so much mistrust, so much hurt and pain. Still even after all these years.
There’s a saying that you only get three great loves in your life. Well, if that’s true, then maybe I’ve used up all my great loves. Soul mates? I thought I had found that in Greg. Turns out he was just another dud in the saddle feeding me all the right lines I wanted to hear.
I know some of you come to this blog for uplifting messages, and to read stories of my life. I’m sorry to disappoint you with this all tonight.
For the first time in a long time, I’m feeling a little lonely. Maybe a little sorry for myself.
I often wonder what life would have been like had I married young, when I had been asked. There were two men, that if I stuck with them, I could have been married. But I wasn’t ready. One of the men even turned to me later and said, “I got married right after you. That could have been you.”
And so.. I sit here. With pensive and negative thoughts. But I’m all right. There’s a plan. A course of action to get me on the road to improving quality of life.
Maybe one day in the near future. I can find love again too.
To the man who still calls me an attention seeking whore: I’ve been single for seven years. You’re delusional.
That’s enough wallowing for now.
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