It’s a bitterly cold day here in my city as we reached down to -36C with the windchill. Doesn’t matter where you are in the world, that’s really cold and we have been spoiled until now with unusually warm weather.
I’m trying to get into the habit of writing a little bit every day, and realized I haven’t posted in a while here. I’m using my other journal on Fetlife more for those low days. And luckily, there haven’t been too many lows periods as of late.
That’s partially due to the fact that I have a new online family I’ve joined. It just sort of happened. None of us was really looking for it. But the more we flirted back and forth and started chatting about life events, the more things kind of clicked and it felt right.
I won’t go into a lot of details here. But it’s nice to have that daily connection again and the power exchange. Someone checking in daily to see how I’m doing and making sure I stay on top of all my tasks. Not that I need it ,but sometimes I procrastinate – and it’s nice to have the “right kind of motivation”.
Honestly, I’m not used to being treated like a priority in life and it scares me. I’m using to being third or fourth down the line. Last night, I had a bit of a trauma response when he mentioned a family issue came up. And my instant response was, “Not again. I’m going to get the shaft and be ousted.” But then, I reminded myself after a little cry, that this was my response to a previous relationship. This man has made no promises, has not hurt me in anyway, has not lied and has treated me like gold. And I need to learn to keep my responses in check. Now, if you’ve been following me for any length of time – you’d understand at what a breakthrough that is for me in terms of relationships.
Old me would have just found an excuse to run or sabotage in some way. Fight or flight mode that comes with anxiety. Abandonment anxiety that stems back over two decades from bad partners.
And so, I put on my big girl pants last night, as he says, and admitted my initial reaction. He confirmed what I suspected – that this had nothing to do with me and he would always let me know where I stand.
I can’t tell you – the level of relief that brings me. While the anxiety is still there in the background, it always is, it’s less. And this relationship is like night and day.
I know, I know. Charmeine, you said you wouldn’t get into another long distance relationship. I know, I’m flogging myself for it too.
But… it’s good. On all parts. We all get along. And we both agree nothing serious, no real serious dynamic. No collaring. None of that. Just – it is what it is.
And honestly. It’s like night and day. I feel like I can breathe.
Today was a pretty good day after no sleep for 32 hours. I slept in. Had a nice breakfast. Got some much needed cleaning done and the bedding is in the wash. I got a workout. And now, I’m going to heat up some leftovers for dinner, and spend the evening writing. The fireplace is on and I’m drinking a freshly brewed pot of coffee.
I’m back to reading a little daily and am on my second book of the year. It’s part of Kate Anslinger’s murder mystery series – McKenna Mystery.
It’s quite good and an easy way to get back into reading.
My book is coming along and I’m determined to get this draft done by the end of the month. Time is slipping and I need to work fast.
I’m finally feeling more like my usual self. A bit mouthy, a bit bratty, opinionated, but also, working on letting go of past hurts and learning from past mistakes. After all, isn’t that what life is all about?
So, for today, for this week – life is pretty good at the moment. How’s your week going?
Stay tuned – I’ll have more spiritual posts coming your way. The next big celebration will be Spring Equinox in March and the full moon on March 7th!
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