Tag Archives: open relationships

Cold winter day thoughts and activities

It’s a bitterly cold day here in my city as we reached down to -36C with the windchill. Doesn’t matter where you are in the world, that’s really cold and we have been spoiled until now with unusually warm weather.

I’m trying to get into the habit of writing a little bit every day, and realized I haven’t posted in a while here. I’m using my other journal on Fetlife more for those low days. And luckily, there haven’t been too many lows periods as of late.

That’s partially due to the fact that I have a new online family I’ve joined. It just sort of happened. None of us was really looking for it. But the more we flirted back and forth and started chatting about life events, the more things kind of clicked and it felt right.

I won’t go into a lot of details here. But it’s nice to have that daily connection again and the power exchange. Someone checking in daily to see how I’m doing and making sure I stay on top of all my tasks. Not that I need it ,but sometimes I procrastinate – and it’s nice to have the “right kind of motivation”.

Honestly, I’m not used to being treated like a priority in life and it scares me. I’m using to being third or fourth down the line. Last night, I had a bit of a trauma response when he mentioned a family issue came up. And my instant response was, “Not again. I’m going to get the shaft and be ousted.” But then, I reminded myself after a little cry, that this was my response to a previous relationship. This man has made no promises, has not hurt me in anyway, has not lied and has treated me like gold. And I need to learn to keep my responses in check. Now, if you’ve been following me for any length of time – you’d understand at what a breakthrough that is for me in terms of relationships.

Old me would have just found an excuse to run or sabotage in some way. Fight or flight mode that comes with anxiety. Abandonment anxiety that stems back over two decades from bad partners.

And so, I put on my big girl pants last night, as he says, and admitted my initial reaction. He confirmed what I suspected – that this had nothing to do with me and he would always let me know where I stand.

I can’t tell you – the level of relief that brings me. While the anxiety is still there in the background, it always is, it’s less. And this relationship is like night and day.

I know, I know. Charmeine, you said you wouldn’t get into another long distance relationship. I know, I’m flogging myself for it too.

But… it’s good. On all parts. We all get along. And we both agree nothing serious, no real serious dynamic. No collaring. None of that. Just – it is what it is.

And honestly. It’s like night and day. I feel like I can breathe.

Today was a pretty good day after no sleep for 32 hours. I slept in. Had a nice breakfast. Got some much needed cleaning done and the bedding is in the wash. I got a workout. And now, I’m going to heat up some leftovers for dinner, and spend the evening writing. The fireplace is on and I’m drinking a freshly brewed pot of coffee.

I’m back to reading a little daily and am on my second book of the year. It’s part of Kate Anslinger’s murder mystery series – McKenna Mystery.

It’s quite good and an easy way to get back into reading.

My book is coming along and I’m determined to get this draft done by the end of the month. Time is slipping and I need to work fast.

I’m finally feeling more like my usual self. A bit mouthy, a bit bratty, opinionated, but also, working on letting go of past hurts and learning from past mistakes. After all, isn’t that what life is all about?

So, for today, for this week – life is pretty good at the moment. How’s your week going?

Today’s quote:

Stay tuned – I’ll have more spiritual posts coming your way. The next big celebration will be Spring Equinox in March and the full moon on March 7th!


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Finding love again after forty. Is it possible in today’s world?

It’s late as I sit down to write this post. It’s been an eventful couple of weeks and I haven’t written much in the blog. That’s being done on purpose. I’ve found that when I post daily, people don’t engage. If I post every few days, I’ll get more interaction. And so, I’m trying to cut back.

But the other part is I’m struggling these days. Emotionally. I’ve lived with this illness all my life and I’ve come to accept that it’s a permanent disability with no cure. That’s just part of my life now. How can I meet someone new and let them into my life, when some days, I can’t even get out of bed? What kind of life could I offer someone?

Lately, I’m finding that I’m angry and resentful about my choices in life. I stopped dating back in 2015 after Greg and I broke up. The relationship was so toxic that I couldn’t ever see myself being with another man. Or woman. I’m straight in that sense. That’s not to say that I didn’t experiment when I was younger. I mean, that’s what your early 20’s are for.

There were men over the years. I dated a lot in my teens and early 20’s. There were a few steady relationships over the years. Cory, we dated for almost three years until I was 21. Then Ken came along for a year. Then Greg and I met for the first time and fell in love. It was a short and rocky six months. But there was love there. We reconnected later in life and would get involved off and on for nearly five years.

I dated other men in between our breaks. It was his idea, saying he couldn’t give me what I wanted. James came back over the years. We got closer than ever in 2012. Then the man who told me he never wanted to marry, got married and has a family of his own. After giving him nearly 19 years of my life.

Love is stupid sometimes. And blind. Turns out, I was just an option to him. Never making the top list. I was never marriage material.

I found great love early in life when I wasn’t ready to make a commitment. By the time I was ready to offer my love to someone, I had either gotten too old or the men weren’t interested in me in the same way. Perhaps it’s my fault for dating the wrong kind of men.

But here we are. March 2022 and I just realized I haven’t been with a partner since 2015. That’s a long time to be single. At first, I thought this is what I wanted. Now… I guess I feel lonely and cut off. I see my friends and family happy in their marriages and I wonder if I missed out.

People tell me that it’s never too late. In some ways it is. I’ve lived alone far too long to even know how to let someone in. I’m still trying desperately to lose weight. To get to a place where I feel comfortable in my own skin and maybe, at some point, let myself be intimate with someone.

I know. People tell me weight shouldn’t matter. I should just find someone that loves me for me. But .. it’s fucking hard. There are wars going on in the world. People are struggling financially. Some people have lost hope. And then you have me, living with a disability and not even able to much due to constant pain.

I saw a geneticist this week and it was a life changing appointment. He got more work done in one appointment, than most of my GP’s have all my life. I’m being referred to the right care team. At least, I hope they’re the right ones. If they tell me to just lose weight, I might fucking scream and punch them in the face.

How do you let someone in when you’ve closed yourself off to the world for this long? I wouldn’t even know where to begin. There’s so much mistrust, so much hurt and pain. Still even after all these years.

There’s a saying that you only get three great loves in your life. Well, if that’s true, then maybe I’ve used up all my great loves. Soul mates? I thought I had found that in Greg. Turns out he was just another dud in the saddle feeding me all the right lines I wanted to hear.

I know some of you come to this blog for uplifting messages, and to read stories of my life. I’m sorry to disappoint you with this all tonight.

For the first time in a long time, I’m feeling a little lonely. Maybe a little sorry for myself.

I often wonder what life would have been like had I married young, when I had been asked. There were two men, that if I stuck with them, I could have been married. But I wasn’t ready. One of the men even turned to me later and said, “I got married right after you. That could have been you.”

And so.. I sit here. With pensive and negative thoughts. But I’m all right. There’s a plan. A course of action to get me on the road to improving quality of life.

Maybe one day in the near future. I can find love again too.


To the man who still calls me an attention seeking whore: I’ve been single for seven years. You’re delusional.

That’s enough wallowing for now.

Thoughts on unconventional relationships

It’s quiet in my building tonight. And it’s dark outside – even by 5 pm, it was already pitch black. I had a pretty good day until I started working on my Christmas tree. It’s just a tiny little tree from Michaels. A 4 foot prelit tree. It’s kind of like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. But I can’t complain for $40. It’s perfect for what I need at the moment.

As I was unpacking the ornaments from dad’s house, I got nostalgic for my mum. Christmas was her favorite time of year. She loved entertaining and having family and friends over for dinner parties. The Christmas tree was her favorite part of decorating the house. Dad would help her set up the tree and the lights. And she would do the rest herself.

Or she would “instruct” us on where to put ornaments, so it looked like how she wanted it. She somehow made it seem like we were helping her out a lot. The more I think about things like that, the more I think – man, kids are dumb.

And as I was lifting boxes from my closet, and got winded after the third load, I couldn’t help but think.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone around to help with day to day stuff?

But is that really a reason to get involved in a relationship? Just to have extra help around the house? I know there are all kinds of unconventional relationships out there. From polyamorous (I speak from experience), to open relationships (been there too).

Romantic connections are a difficult thing for me at this time in my life. My thoughts are weighted down with my dad’s health as it worsens over time. And then there is my own health which impacts my, ahem, sexual drive. Is it even fair to get in a relationship when there’s no desire for intimate – no scratch that – no desire for a sexual relationship?

I’m not saying I never think about it. It’s just with weight, migraines and the hormones, most days – it’s very far from my mind. And my weight is a good reason I’ve stayed single all this time. It’s slowly coming off – painfully, slow.

Would it be too much to ask for a platonic boyfriend? Is that a thing? Someone I can share house responsibilities with. Someone who could pay the bills and let me work from home on my art and music projects. I could even teach music if I had a partner to split the bills with. I could do so much more than I am now.

Plus, I’m an amazing cook. There would be that benefit to sharing a living space with me.

That’s the other thing. I love coming home to an empty home. If I lived with someone, it would have to be a house. And I would need my own space. My own room. A basement to work out in and work on various projects. I need that.

But…I sure do miss having a tall partner around to help with the day to day things that I physically can’t do anymore. And I think about what I’m going to do when I’m over 50 and there’s no one to take care of me. Maybe I’d have to go for a younger guy?

These are thoughts that are plaguing my mind tonight.

But I sure do like the shimmering lights and sparkly ornaments in the background.

For just a little while, it felt like mum was right here with me.