Tag Archives: self development

mindfulness, relationships

Be your authentic self and your people will find you

2 Comments

The sun is shining and it’s going to be a beautiful day where I live – which is nice as the past couple of days have been dreary outside and we had a lot of snow the other night.

I’ve been trying to rack my brain for content this week and nothing is coming to me. So, I’m going to get a bit personal.

Recently, I had a fallout with some people that really hurt. And while I recognize my part in it, I definitely do not feel the actions received from others were warranted. It led me to a path of self-reflection and shadow work which I’m now finally coming out of and seeing the world in a new light. I’m also trying to recognize negative aspects of myself and working on shedding those too, to make for a brighter future and healthier relationships.

I promise I’m not obsessed with it – I take it as a learning opportunity in what not to do for next time.

I’ve already touched briefly on what mirroring behaviors look like in a recent post, so for this post, I’ll stick to what was discussed yesterday with my therapist.

Social Media Friends

When it comes to Fetlife, I make friends pretty fast. I’m a flirt, and post a lot of different types of content from art, memes, and journal writings. That content is how I met the majority of Fetlife friends – and some friends in real life too.

But when you’re a “sparkling” personality, people see your shine and want to dim it for whatever reason. Maybe they are jealous. Or maybe they want to be like you and get the same kind of attention. So, they start copying or mirroring your image.

The thing about posting on social media, is that people only see snippets of your life. They might not like what they see. And sometimes, people only share the positives and good times to boost themselves up. Not a bad way to do it either.

Part of my kinky personality is being a brat (to those friends who are consenting) and to those in general that wish to participate. It’s all in good fun. Brats get a bit of a bad rep as there are those who take it too far and cross boundaries.

With me, I tend to get people hyped up and they get in on the fun. It’s provided a lot of great laughs. And helped to form relationships quickly.

Unfortunately, there’s a caveat.

When life stops being all fun and games

When it comes to fickle friends, they thrive on attention from others. The kind of attention that gives them dopamine rushes and makes them feel good. So, when you stop providing them that attention and focus on you – you’re called all kinds of names.

Or worse – you’re dropped and replaced by the next shiny thing that comes along, who will provide them the attention they need. They latch onto other people like leeches.

I had one friend that did this and it got to the point where she would message me all night on Discord and I had to mute her notifications, to get some sleep.

When life stops being fun and you request to take time to yourself, or you are working through health issues – you find out quickly, who your real friends are. They are the ones that stand by you unconditionally. And they are the type that will reach out to you to check in on how you’re doing, or offer an ear when needed.

For me, sure, I love the attention. Always have. At least the good kind of attention and not the creeps that come surfing by. But I never act out of malice or with ill intentions.

Stay true to who you are, your people will find you

In the last couple of weeks, I’ve found that spark again. The spark I thought I’d lost forever. I realized how much I changed myself for the play partners in my life and how much I muted my personality too.

And now, I’ve said… fuck that.

I’m going to be my authentic self. Unapologetically, so. If people have an issue with the content that I post, that’s not my problem. They’re happy to unfollow, unfriend, or scroll on by like I do. And let me tell you – there is a lot of crap that you have to scroll on by on Fetlife.

And I think that sometimes scares people who a) refuse to take accountability for their actions. And b) people who aren’t ready to do the inner work themselves. Or maybe they aren’t willing to admit they need it.

Does that make them bad people?

Not necessarily.

But it does become toxic when people demand certain energy from you like “good vibes only” or “no negativity.” That gets old, really fast. I find with those people, you never really know who you are dealing with.

For me, I’m a realist and that often gets seen as negative. I’ve had to be in my life when dealing with chronic illnesses. Sometimes, life is what it is and other times, you make the most of what you’ve got.

My unsolicited advice for the day:

Just be you. Those who get it, will love you for it. And those that don’t, let them leave. You will be better for it. And life will become better.

Have you ever had someone in your life mirror your actions or copy your behaviours to gain your attention? If so, how did the relationship turn out for you?

Related Posts

Love this post and looking for similar content? Consider subscribing. You will never be spammed.

relationships

Meaningful apologies and making amends

Leave a comment

This is something that I’ve been really mulling over the past couple of weeks since having a falling out with someone that I felt was important to me. It saddens me how easily relationships can fall apart. But – as everything in life, I acknowledge that I made mistakes in how I handled the situation. I’m going to use this space to share what I learned during this process. And hopefully, if my person sees this post, he will know that I am truly sorry for the way things ended.

And TikTok Tarot is just messing my head with promises that he is missing me just as much as I’m missing him and he is full of regret. I’ll believe it when I see it. I’m trying to believe that if it’s meant to be – it will work out. Anyone else tired of these karmic lessons in life? I know I am.

Take ownership of your mistakes

The first step to making amends is to own up to your mistakes. Fully acknowledge what you did wrong. Write it down if you need to. Don’t make it about you – owning up to your mistakes means knowing how it affected the other party involved. Own up. Admit that you were in the wrong. Take responsibility for your actions.

Listen to their side of the story

This is crucial. Don’t make it all about you or how the situation affected you. Listen to them. Acknowledge that their feelings are valid and that you hear what they have to say. Make them feel heard and seen. This is an important step that not everyone remembers to take.

If they ask for time and space, give it to them

Maybe this was my biggest karmic lesson of this year. If someone asks you for space and time, give it to them. We all process news differently. Some people need to take a longer time to deal with their emotions. Sometimes space is needed to figure out what a person really needs in a relationship. And sometimes space is needed when things move too quickly. It’s okay to take a pause.

However. For me, I’m an anxious person and attachment. If someone asks for space, next time, I’ll ask for a timeline. Not only does this confirm that the person plans on coming back, but it also gives me an idea of how much time will be needed. Whether it’s days, or weeks. If it’s any longer than a couple of weeks, than prepare for the fact that the relationship may be over. Don’t make rash decisions. Don’t pull away completely. But just be prepared for whatever outcome that may happen. Don’t put your life on hold for a “maybe”.

Apologies mean nothing if you don’t back it up with action

In order to truly show that you are sorry, you’re going to have to work hard to rebuild trust if it was broken. That means, following through with promises made. Making a list of actions you’ll take going forward to help rectify the problem. That might mean getting counseling or outside help if the problem is a big one. Or just simply by being there for your person.

Find out what they need and do your best to fulfill those needs. And if you can’t, or find that you aren’t compatible in that department – then make an exit plan to let them go. But gently. Be kind about it. Show compassion. Don’t promise to “be friends” if you don’t mean to. Let them go if necessary. Make a clean break if all else fails.

Give them time to heal

Even after you’ve made your apology known and taken all the steps above, your person might need more time to heal. It’s possible that whatever happened, triggered something inside them from past traumas. Or some hurts, like cheating/infidelity, might take longer to “get over” or forgive. And sometimes, the hurt is just too much to let go of.

Practice empathy here. Don’t smother. Don’t love-bomb them. Just be there for them and give space when asked for it.

What NOT to say during an apology

Some things I have learned about what NOT to say during an apology:

“I’m sorry you feel that way” instead try “I’m sorry that I caused you (insert feeling here). It wasn’t my intention.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say” instead say something like, “I’m really sorry. What do you need from me at this time?”

“I’m sorry, but…” – this makes the apology all about you.

“I’m not perfect…” it comes from a good place, but it’s cliché. Again, the apology is not about you. It’s about how they feel.

DO show remorse! This is crucial. Show remorse, and mean it. But don’t exaggerate it. If you feel the need to cry, then let it out. If you’re really hurting, then that is your emotion and you need to manage that. It could be guilt from knowing that you hurt the other person. At least… I know that’s the case for me. I feel a lot of guilt.

Karmic lessons for personal growth

Apologies only mean something if you are truly remorseful for your actions. Without remorse or understanding of how you hurt the other person, then there is no way for you to learn or grow from your mistakes.

Allowing yourself to be vulnerable in a connection can be a frightening thing. Opening up your heart and actually following through with promises, shows that you are willing to make up for your wrongs.

Making mistakes is a very human thing to do. Humans aren’t perfect. I know I’m not. I don’t strive to be. I had someone call me a “perfect diamond” recently, and it made me want to puke in my mouth a little bit. Perfection is too much work.

I believe in karmic lessons and what we put out into this universe comes back to us. If you continue to make the same mistakes over and over again, then you’re not giving yourself the chance to grow. By taking ownership of your faults, and working at them, to better yourself – you’re opening yourself up for a world of possibilities and growth.

Whether you believe in the law of attraction or not, owning up to your mistakes and doing all you can to make amends is part of the human experience. What I have learned is that you also have to be willing to forgive yourself too. Some hurts might be too much for the other person to let go. And sometimes, relationships can’t survive or end because of the damages you caused.

Healing can only happen, when we learn to forgive ourselves – for when others, cannot.

mindfulness

What is self-worth and how can we build on it?

Leave a comment

I was doing some research this afternoon to look up some popular trends in blog topics that I could write about. I realized I have written a lot about self-care and the importance of caring for ourselves during challenging times – but I haven’t touched on the importance of self-worth.

This is something that I often struggle with and it’s partly what led me to therapy – to work on issues on self-esteem and self-confidence. Too often we give ourselves to others we love while neglecting the care we need for ourselves. These articles are gentle reminders not only to me, but to my readers as well that we all need to take time for our “self” health.

Today I want to explore the meaning of self-worth and how we can build up self-worth in our daily life.

What is self-worth?

Self-worth can have many different meanings for many different people. In general, self-worth refers to how we feel about ourselves overall and how we act or behave towards others.

Self-worth often blends in with other “self” terms like self-esteem, self-confidence, loving yourself and so on. I guess the question here becomes – how can we know is our self-worth is enough? What is enough self-worth? And how do you build on self-worth when you’re feeling low about life overall?

Self-worth Meaning

When you look up the definition of self-worth, Merriam Webster describes it as “a feeling that you are a good person, who deserves to be treated with respect.” Some would argue that self-worth is more about your behaviours than your emotions – how you act towards others is one way you can measure your self-worth.

Self-acceptance

Here’s another self word for you – self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is usually achieved through competing with others. For instance, when you think of movie stars who have received dozens of awards or athletes who have shelves full of trophies. These awards and accomplishments can be an ego booster and help to build up our image to others.

But we must be careful here. While self-acceptance can be a good way to boost our sometimes fragile egos, too much self-acceptance can lead to negative qualities such as arrogance, and even more dangerously – narcissism.

Measuring Self-worth

There are many factors that come into play when measuring our self-worth. Appearance, money, or class in society, social circles, (think elite status in Hollywood), your career and what you achieve.

For me – self-worth was apparent when I was involved in music competitions. I always wanted to win. But over the years, I only took home a couple of awards. While I knew I had done my very best in my performance, there was always someone who was that much better than me. And it drove me to be a better musician. Competition was the driving force behind my musical studies as a junior high and high school student.

Healthy outlook on self-worth

For me, music competition was a healthy outlet and way to gain recognition among my peers in the music community. Every time I competed, I learned something new by watching others perform. Like I remember this one kid, who not only played a mean jig on the piano, but he also kept in time with a foot block. I had never seen that before in a live competition and even I had to admit – he deserved the win.

For non-music people, self-worth can be measured by how well you perform at your job no matter what your job is. Are you expecting a bonus at the end of the quarter? Or perhaps you finally got that promotion you’ve been working hard for?

Or maybe you’re a student striving for straight A’s. Or you’re a mom with two kids and a job and are looking to make some more time for yourself – even just fifteen minutes each day. These are all valid and healthy ways to measure your self-worth.

How to Build Up Self-Worth

A question I see often on Reddit boards is – how can I like myself better? How can I feel good about what I’ve done? Or how can I build up my confidence?

As a mid-forties female, the one thing I can tell you for sure is this is not an easy feat. All it takes is one bully or one person to nag at you or constantly poke fun at your failures or mistakes – and that one person can undo years of work you’ve put into yourself.

The one thing I have learned in this life of mine, is that what we put out into this world comes back to us. It may not come to us right away – but karma usually finds a way. So, I try and live by the motto that “do unto others as I wish they would to me” even if they are the meanest person on the planet.

Though sometimes this can be hard to do when we’re not feeling very giving or want to be selfish – just this once. And it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. At least it is in my eyes – because we all deserve a little selfishness. Especially when we give so much of ourselves to others.

Learned behaviours

What I’ve also learned in this life, is that our behaviours often come from learned behaviour – even early on in life. We learn certain things from our parents and our siblings – whether they are good or bad. Children often mimic their parents especially as toddlers when they get to that stage of copying everything you do.

The most important advice I can give here is to practice the art of unconditional love. Practice daily gratitude and show appreciation for the things and people you do have in life. Make small goals for yourself and reward yourself when you’ve met those goals. No matter what those goals are.

I was lucky enough to have a great set of parents. Both were hardworking and ethical who always tried to lend a helping hand to our community and those in need. My mother often sacrificed family time to go on the road and help volunteer at a national level. Because of her hard work on programs like the Block Parents, she was able to help thousands of families across the country. In my eyes, this my made my mum – invaluable.

That’s always been my goal in life. To become invaluable like my mother and father were in their own fields. My dad was a successful business owner and I learned business ethics from him. My parents always managed to put food on the table and clothes on our backs even during difficult times. And to me – that was an invaluable lesson to learn as a child. It helped shape who I am today.

I try to live by the example they lead. I try to live by their ethics and all the good things in life that they practiced as well.

I realize that not everyone grew up in a household like mine. Looking back now, we were one of the lucky families. We had our shares of troubles and loss – but my parents were always able to work through it all together.

Daily exercises for self-worth

Remember, I’m not a trained psychologist. I did work in the health field for six years and learned a lot during my time in the provincial health system. The information I pass on here in this blog comes from research and my own personal experiences. The advice I’m giving below is what has worked for me.

Practice daily gratitude

The art of daily gratitude is something I too struggle with. I complain way more than I should. I have a friend on Facebook who has been writing “daily gratitude” posts on her Facebook status. Surprisingly, she’s kept it up for over a year. They say that it takes two or three weeks to form a habit. If you start off by writing something you are thankful for every day, it can change the way you think about life in general.

Goal Planning

Set small but realistic goals for yourself. Whether it’s to get a promotion at your job, take a new course, get straight A’s in school or lose by five pound – write it down and come up with a realistic plan. People often fail at their goals because they’ve set the starting bar too high and give up early. By starting off small, you can work your way up. Start with short-term goals that you can achieve each month and work up to longer term goals.

Law of Attraction

I’m not all new agey and into the law of attraction, but there is merit to this way of thinking. What you put out into the world often comes back at you. People will remember you most for how you treated them. If you practice good work ethics, try also working on being kind to others – even to those who don’t seem to deserve the kindness. This can be a hard thing to do. I’m still working on it.

Some people believe that what you put out into this world, will come back to you. So, if you’re working more on positive instead of negative, and having an upbeat outlook on life – things may start to turn around for you.

Thank you for reading

I think that’s a good place to end the article. I just saw another baby mouse (same one from yesterday I think) and I need to go bleach my eyes and floor out. Hope you enjoyed this article on self-worth. If you’re interested in writing down your goals, I have some worksheets and digital journals you can purchase via Etsy.

What are you hoping to change this year in your life? Let me know in the comments!

Subscribe now!

You will never be spammed.