sex and the city | Charmed Reflections

I woke up at 7:30 am this morning but lazed in bed until about 8:15 am when I finally crawled out of bed. I’m slowly sipping reheated coffee from yesterday and have a load of laundry going in the background while listening to a playlist I created on Spotify.

This is how my day starts off most mornings since I’ve been at home. While it’s not the same as getting up at 6:00 am as I was doing when I started this blog – it still gives me a sense of normalcy and accomplishment. Is that wrong? Thinking that getting up before nine am is a major feat?

Sex and the City Re-watch: Are relationships just comfort food?

As you know, I’ve been re-watching Sex and the City, one of my favorite shows from the late 90’s along with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and of course, Xfiles. It’s a great show even today, although some of the ideas are a little outdated. Watching the show as an older person – I find my views on characters and storylines have changed. And it’s been a very surprising revelation at just how much I have changed.

Reminiscing

I was watching old videos last night of my sister’s wedding. At the time, I was in a long -term relationship and my then boyfriend Corey, filmed the entire wedding. Everyone knew him. They loved him. Maybe even more than me. But he and I never had any passion together. We were together for the sake of just being together. After almost three years, we broke up. He wanted to “see what was out there” and I wanted more than he could give me. I also wanted to explore something that brewing inside me- something I didn’t understand at the time but would later on in life.

But watching those old videos made me reminisce about the past. They were supposed to make me feel comforted – but instead, I woke up feeling a little sad this morning.

Something is missing

I think what I miss most about being single is having someone to chat with every day. A best friend. I mean, sure, I have my girlfriends. But I don’t have anyone to share those day to day moments with. I chat often with my sister, but I can’t tell her everything going through my mind. We get along well now – but it took us a long time to get there. For one, she wouldn’t approve of this blog (or this post). Which is why I removed my last name from the site. Writing from a mostly anonymous point of view makes me feel better about sharing intimate details about love, relationships – and even sex.

I don’t miss the drama that comes with starting a new relationship. But I miss the intimacy of having a best friend to chat with and sharing life’s little or big moments with – like selling the family home. Which we did this week! I have very mixed and emotional feelings about it.

Insanity or comforting?

Sometimes I find myself writing out a passionate email to my ex and then I have to stop and remind myself – not to go down this road. I’ve been down it too many times and it’s never a healthy thing to do. I think I keep doing that because it’s familiar. It’s like comfort food -that you regret instantly.

Relationships are kind of like comfort food

You get used to having a person around and it becomes comforting. Even if the relationship is toxic or bad for you. But because you “know” that person, it’s like reaching out for an entire chocolate cake. Or like eating cake out of the garbage can – you know it’s a terrible idea but you can’t stop yourself from doing it. You like how it makes you feel at the time. You know the feeling well. You know the consequences of your actions, but on impulse, you reach out and do it anyway.

Or when the relationship ends, you find yourself going back to that person because it’s comforting. But it’s really a false comfort – like chocolate cake. And eating that cake is something that makes you feel like shit afterwards. I know. I speak from experience (both physically and metaphorically speaking). Chocolate cake is nothing but empty calories that makes you feel bloated and in some cases, you even hate yourself for eating it.

I love Miranda

It’s funny. When I was younger and watched Sex and the City, I thought that I was Carrie waiting for my Mr. Big to come around and fall madly in love with me. But now, that I’m older and wiser, I find myself identifying with Miranda more and more. Even right down to eating an entire chocolate cake for comfort. I think just goes to show how much I’ve changed since being single – by choice. Entirely, by choice.

I focused on work and became a bit of an workaholic over the years to fill that void of not being in a relationship. It did wonders for my career at the time. But now that I’m home – I’m spending too much time in my head. Too much time thinking about my past relationships. Too much time wondering – what if?

Miranda was the most level headed person on the show even during her lowest points

Miranda got the worst storylines of the show. She was a successful lawyer and even managed to become a partner in her firm. She owned her own apartment. She eventually fell in love, got married and little Brady with Steve. She moved to Brooklyn for her family and even took in Steve’s mother when she became too ill to live on her own. In the end, Miranda, really was a good person. She turned out to be the one I now, I identify most with.

And even though Miranda had some of the worst hairstyles and boyish outfits compared to the other girls, Miranda was a natural beauty in her own right. And best of all, Miranda was often the voice of reason when the girls obsessed over relationships. Miranda wanted to discuss things like world events, technology, work – anything but relationships when she was single.

And when her friends were in trouble – she would drop everything and run to them to help.

Miranda even FORGAVE Steve for cheating on her in the first movie. Do you know how hard that is to do? I know as I’ve been cheated on. Miranda, a fictional character, is a better person than I could be, as I never forgave James for how he played me all those years.

Miranda, much like me – never wanted to get married. She didn’t see herself a mom. Parenthood just kind of happened. Even the love of her life just kind of happened. And when the timing was right – she went for it. And when things got tough, she faced her fears and learned the art of forgiveness.

Did I do it all wrong? Did I miss out on my soulmate in exchange for comfort food?

Watching this show leaves me with all kinds of questions about my own love life and decisions. I’m getting too lost in my head again.

Should I have gotten married at nineteen when Rob who was living out of his truck proposed to me over the phone? Should I have run away with Steve, the trucker from Calgary who promised me summers full of romance but nothing more? Or should have I stuck it out with Trevor, the shy nerdy IT tech who professed his love for me after I played the piano for him? Even he’s now married with a young toddler.

In fact, most of the guys I dated in my younger years, are now married with kids. Even James, who said he never would get married has been married for FOUR years and has a toddler. The guy who said he would never have kids has a toddler. Let that sink in for a minute.

This spring will mark my SIXTH anniversary of being single. Sometimes I think maybe I’ve been single for too long to even welcome someone new into my life. I don’t miss obsessing over the tiniest details. I don’t miss the stress or the drama…. but…at the same time

I can’t help but wonder – is there ever a time when it becomes too late to find your soulmate?

And as I re-watch Sex and the City, through the lens of a forty something single woman, I can’t help but wonder. Am I the one who is missing out? Did I make the right choice that I needed for me at the time? How do you know when the right time is to … well, start again?

These are mostly questions I’m sending out to the universe that don’t need answers. The show reminds me of simpler times in life. Simpler relationships. Simpler days when I knew what I wanted in life.

When nights were spent with Steve riding in his big wheeler down the highway and sitting in his lap while he let me “drive” to Calgary. Then sneaking back into the house at 6:00 am the next morning. Now that was romance. Those were exciting times. I trusted my gut and spent less time in my head – I had fun and just “went with it” instead of obsessing over details.

(Steve is now living in Texas “off the grid” – the man is impossible to track down. Steve Tesse from Edmonton, if you’re reading this somehow – let me know how you’re doing)

And on that note, I’ll leave you with this scene from the show that gets me every time. Do soulmates exist? I believe in a lot of things, but soulmates? I think that’s too much pressure on a relationship. Finding that one perfect someone for the rest of your life. I mean, the task alone sounds daunting. And terrifying.

And what if – you met your soulmate, but you let him or her go? What happens then?

And for those of us that don’t believe in soulmates, is this why we turn to ex lovers, friends and boyfriends? For that old familiar feeling? To rekindle flames once lost?

Or are they just merely, comfort food?

Do you believe in soul mates? Or are relationships just comfort food?

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Every couple of years I sit down and re-watch the classic show, Sex and the City which was hugely popular in the late 90’s. Just writing this makes me feel old.

The show was a major hit on HBO at the time and it was a real trend setter. Not only for Sarah Jessica Parker’s wild fashion ensembles but any time the girls went to a real bar or club – that club would be the next biggest thing in New York City.

I always identified with Carrie throughout the series. I bounced from relationship to relationship in my younger years and would obsess over everything – it’s often why my relationships fell apart quickly. My anxiety. I would overthink things and it put too much pressure on the other person.

As you know, I love to write. I even have curly hair (naturally) like Carrie. And mostly, I passed up the opportunity to get married at a young age and dated a Mr. Big for nearly two decades – off and on.

I’ve written about James before in older posts. How he came and went as he pleased. He was almost exactly like Mr Big. – He’d make all kinds of promises and would stick around for a couple of months. But when things started getting “serious” – he’d disappear.

And he had a knack – he’d swoop on in whenever I was happy in other relationships and promise me the world. It was like radar. Either I was really happy in a relationship or really down on life and he’s just swoop right back in.

I didn’t learn until about 2012 – that I was the “other woman”. The woman he hooked up with on the weekends when he was in between relationships. And sometimes – the woman he connected with when he couldn’t see his girlfriends. I am embarassed at how long it took me to discover that this was true. And I found out this by discovering his girlfriend’s Instagram account.

He had texted me from Hawaii where he said he was living for two months. He said he wanted someone to cuddle with and that the person he was there with wasn’t the right person…yeah. Except that she was. He was on vacation for two weeks with his then girlfriend.

And the man who said he would NEVER get married, got married in 2015.

We connected briefly in person to chat about things. He apologized for being such a terrible person. He wanted to remain friends. It was just before his wedding. He said he was getting help for his “lying problem”.

I haven’t seen him since. He even lied about his wedding date. And all I can say, is good riddance. See you later.

Anyway… that’s not the point of this post. This meme is:

Every time I re-watch the series, this episode just pisses me off.

Marriage – or relationships in general are partnerships. They take work from both sides. If one person is doing more work than the other, or making more sacrifices than the other – eventually that person will resent the other.

It isn’t about how much you love someone – it’s about how you treat each other. Relationships should be about respect and equality. Compromise instead of sacrifices.

I’ve learned that you don’t have to share everything with your partner. You can have different interests and different friends – but the best relationships are when both people support each other equally. And unconditionally (within reason – if it’s healthy).

I remember fighting with James by text one day and he asked me what I wanted for him. This was fifteen years into our “casual” relationship. I said things couldn’t stay casual for ever. I was tired of being his dirty secret. I wanted to be more involved in his life – and if he couldn’t do that – we were over.

“What do you want from me? At best, I could be a part-time lover. I’m not the marrying kind.”

We got close after that discussion. Closer than ever. He was at my place on Friday nights. I cooked him dinners. We were making plans for a hiking trip together – you know, when I was in awesome shape. He told me he loved me and couldn’t imagine life without me.

And then as he always did…. he bailed. He pulled a Mr. Big and disappeared from my life.

So, if you take anything from this it’s…. Sex and the City is still an entertaining watch. But some of the ideas about love and marriage are so cringe. Like this one.

This is my sage advice for this week:

Don’t marry someone who loves you more. Marry someone you are madly, deeply in love with – someone you consider your best friend. Someone you can rely on and doesn’t make you cry. Someone who knows you for who you are and you don’t have to pretend with.

And this is why I’m….Mostly Single – and will probably stay that way.

Also, the first movie – is a guilty little pleasure. I watch it whenever I’m feeling a little lonely or need a good laugh. It’s a good movie. The second was just rubbish. I watch it every Christmas just for this scene alone. And this song makes me tear up.

Yes, it’s a cheesy movie – but sometimes you just need that. And a good cry.

I promise – I don’t write this often every day. Sometimes you just gotta write what you feel!

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Sex and the City Re-watch #2: Relationships are like comfort foods