Tag Archives: shadow work

mindfulness, relationships

Be your authentic self and your people will find you

2 Comments

The sun is shining and it’s going to be a beautiful day where I live – which is nice as the past couple of days have been dreary outside and we had a lot of snow the other night.

I’ve been trying to rack my brain for content this week and nothing is coming to me. So, I’m going to get a bit personal.

Recently, I had a fallout with some people that really hurt. And while I recognize my part in it, I definitely do not feel the actions received from others were warranted. It led me to a path of self-reflection and shadow work which I’m now finally coming out of and seeing the world in a new light. I’m also trying to recognize negative aspects of myself and working on shedding those too, to make for a brighter future and healthier relationships.

I promise I’m not obsessed with it – I take it as a learning opportunity in what not to do for next time.

I’ve already touched briefly on what mirroring behaviors look like in a recent post, so for this post, I’ll stick to what was discussed yesterday with my therapist.

Social Media Friends

When it comes to Fetlife, I make friends pretty fast. I’m a flirt, and post a lot of different types of content from art, memes, and journal writings. That content is how I met the majority of Fetlife friends – and some friends in real life too.

But when you’re a “sparkling” personality, people see your shine and want to dim it for whatever reason. Maybe they are jealous. Or maybe they want to be like you and get the same kind of attention. So, they start copying or mirroring your image.

The thing about posting on social media, is that people only see snippets of your life. They might not like what they see. And sometimes, people only share the positives and good times to boost themselves up. Not a bad way to do it either.

Part of my kinky personality is being a brat (to those friends who are consenting) and to those in general that wish to participate. It’s all in good fun. Brats get a bit of a bad rep as there are those who take it too far and cross boundaries.

With me, I tend to get people hyped up and they get in on the fun. It’s provided a lot of great laughs. And helped to form relationships quickly.

Unfortunately, there’s a caveat.

When life stops being all fun and games

When it comes to fickle friends, they thrive on attention from others. The kind of attention that gives them dopamine rushes and makes them feel good. So, when you stop providing them that attention and focus on you – you’re called all kinds of names.

Or worse – you’re dropped and replaced by the next shiny thing that comes along, who will provide them the attention they need. They latch onto other people like leeches.

I had one friend that did this and it got to the point where she would message me all night on Discord and I had to mute her notifications, to get some sleep.

When life stops being fun and you request to take time to yourself, or you are working through health issues – you find out quickly, who your real friends are. They are the ones that stand by you unconditionally. And they are the type that will reach out to you to check in on how you’re doing, or offer an ear when needed.

For me, sure, I love the attention. Always have. At least the good kind of attention and not the creeps that come surfing by. But I never act out of malice or with ill intentions.

Stay true to who you are, your people will find you

In the last couple of weeks, I’ve found that spark again. The spark I thought I’d lost forever. I realized how much I changed myself for the play partners in my life and how much I muted my personality too.

And now, I’ve said… fuck that.

I’m going to be my authentic self. Unapologetically, so. If people have an issue with the content that I post, that’s not my problem. They’re happy to unfollow, unfriend, or scroll on by like I do. And let me tell you – there is a lot of crap that you have to scroll on by on Fetlife.

And I think that sometimes scares people who a) refuse to take accountability for their actions. And b) people who aren’t ready to do the inner work themselves. Or maybe they aren’t willing to admit they need it.

Does that make them bad people?

Not necessarily.

But it does become toxic when people demand certain energy from you like “good vibes only” or “no negativity.” That gets old, really fast. I find with those people, you never really know who you are dealing with.

For me, I’m a realist and that often gets seen as negative. I’ve had to be in my life when dealing with chronic illnesses. Sometimes, life is what it is and other times, you make the most of what you’ve got.

My unsolicited advice for the day:

Just be you. Those who get it, will love you for it. And those that don’t, let them leave. You will be better for it. And life will become better.

Have you ever had someone in your life mirror your actions or copy your behaviours to gain your attention? If so, how did the relationship turn out for you?

Related Posts

Love this post and looking for similar content? Consider subscribing. You will never be spammed.

mindfulness, shadow work, spiritual

What is Shadow Work and why is it necessary for trauma?

5 Comments

Shadow work is working with your unconscious mind to uncover parts of yourself that you may have repressed or hide from yourself. This could include past traumas, hurts, or negative aspects of the shadow self, that we all possess.

What is our shadow self?

Our shadow self is thought to be the parts of ourselves that make us undesirable to others. Or parts of ourselves that hold us back from success or happiness. Our shadows can represent things like anger, sadness or depression, anxiety, self-doubt or self-loathing. It can have an impact on your overall well-being and cause blockages with your spiritual beliefs and practices.

Giving in for far too long to our shadow self, can result in struggling in relationships or connections in general. When you suffer from chronic anxiety and depression, it can really make it hard to sustain relationships with others who seem more positive or can shrug off challenges more easily. I am not one of those people.

This was the first time I really dived into shadow work, and it was a draining and exhausting process. It was also lonely as hell. But it’s something I will work continue to work on to help heal.

How to recognize your shadow self

A good way to test yourself, is to gauge how you interact and react towards others. How do you respond when people become aggressive towards you? What about those who do not respect your boundaries?

Are you firm in telling them to stop? Are you firm in sticking to your core values and principles? Or are you the type of person who avoids conflict or difficult situations and tend to ignore your selfcare because you are a people pleaser?

There’s nothing wrong with being a people pleaser, as long as you don’t dismiss your own values in the process.

Consequences of shadow work

When you do shadow work, you get a better sense of what those core values in relationships might look like for you. This can change your entire outlook on current connections in your life. You might lose friends or even your primary relationships.

People who aren’t ready to face their trauma or do shadow work themselves, will often revolt or shy away from those that do.

Shadow work can also reveal trauma you may have suppressed for years and this can open a flood gate of feelings you aren’t prepared for. I do suggest working with trained professionals in counseling or therapy. Or find a support group that you can trust.

You may find yourself becoming emotional for no reason even on those good days. Crying is a big part of it. You may also find you want to sleep more. Pain might surface. Same with tension headaches. If you struggle with any of these new symptoms, please check in with your primary care provider.

Your intuition will peak during this process. You will notice toxic behaviors more and people that you considered to be close friends, will not look the same.

You will go through it. The stages of grief are real. I’m kind of in between I’m ready to let it all go, I’m mad at the world, and I just want to have fun again.

Thankfully, the crying myself to sleep daily has stopped.

Setting intentions with shadow work

One of your intentions with shadow work might be to help heal from trauma or hurt that triggered something from the past. For me, it was an abrupt ending to a relationship. Being made to feel like I was a terrible person when in reality, I wasn’t. Unresolved conflict led me to an anxiety spiral and a serious depressive episode. This led to being ghosted.

This experience brought out a lot of insecurities and resentment from past partners. It also triggered my abandonment anxiety and I went into a bad spiral.

Intentions can be anything you want to work on. I find bullet journaling, writing here in this block and working with Tarot cards really helps to pick things I should focus on. Ideas will often come to me while meditating or working on crafts as well.

You can read more about intention setting here.

Lessons learned during my shadow work

  • Make sure you have clear intentions and an outcome for your work.
  • You will need breaks in between to remember the good things in life.
  • Give yourself a deadline for the hardest parts.
  • Surround yourself with people who are on similar paths that you can learn from. Be wary of those who are “leaders” and stick to ones you get good vibes from. Trust your intuition.
  • Your intuition will peak during this process.
  • You will feel things you’ve never felt before and these can manifest into physical symptoms.
  • You will want to isolate yourself. That’s fine. But don’t isolate too long. You will need friends to help you.

Most importantly: you will lose people. Those who are false friends will reveal their masks once you start taking care of you. It will hurt you more. But you are better off without these people. This will open new doors for new people to come in.

You will discover who your real friends are. The ones who are happy with you as you are and accept you fully despite your faults.

It’s a lifelong healing process

Shadow work can be rewarding and can speed up your healing process from recent hurts. That said, the more trauma you unpack, the more you connect it to your early memories. This can be a lifelong process and you may have to relearn coping mechanism along the way.

The point of shadow work isn’t to stay in the darkness forever. The point of it is to learn to let go of that darkness that hides your shine. You WILL find your inner light again. You will get your spark back.

You just have to keep working at it.

Also, this song came on while I was writing this and I thought I’d share the video. It’s fitting.

Discussion Prompt

Have you ever done shadow work? If so, what were your biggest lessons? What methods worked for you? Did you have a support group? Let me know in the comments.

Love this blog? Please consider subscribing. I write often.

Related Posts

mindfulness, spiritual

The thing about shadow work they don’t tell you

Leave a comment

For the past month or so, I’ve mostly kept to myself. Focusing on healing and shadow work. Trying to let go of outdated patterns that no longer serve me well. Also, trying to move on from this depression.

But the more time that goes on, while I feel less hurt, and I’m not crying on a daily basis – it still stings.

Shadow work can be draining in itself. When you’re forced to face your trauma head on, especially if it’s the reason for a relationship ended or failing – you’re also forced to look inside yourself to figure out why these relationships fail.

In asking for space and time to heal, I lost some friends that I used to talk to often. I think that’s the hardest part of a breakup, especially when you see your ex’s out in the same community. It’s one of the reasons why I left the alt community in the first place. Too many ex’s and everyone seemed to play or hook up with each other. To the point where it gets “icky” for me to think about.

Something I have learned recently, is that when you do the work on yourself to heal and grow – and you share your experiences – it can scare friends away. And not for the reasons you would think.

I think in some cases, maybe those people aren’t ready to face their inner demons or work on their trauma. Yes, they acknowledge they have issues, and pain, but they continue to move through life without doing anything to help overcome it. And trust me when I say, there comes a point where you recognize your patterns can be hurtful, and you want to make changes. Well, maybe not for everyone.

There are some people that have stood by me through this and are noticing the growth and changes I’ve made. I’m not writing daily – at least not on social media for friends to see. I’m more working on artwork, and getting back into editing and rewriting my book series. It’s distracting. In between sleeping and naps. I cannot seem to get enough sleep – another side effect of shadow work. It drains you.

I think the lesson here for me, and something my Tik-Tok feed keeps telling me is this:

People come and go into your life for reasons and seasons. Some are there to teach you karmic lessons. And others, will stay by your side, and support you on your journey, no matter what it looks like.

For me, I’m grateful for those friends I’ve had for years who have stuck by me. They’re the ones I can rely on. Some read this blog. They’re the people I can visit with, after months of not seeing each other, and we just pick up like no time has passed. Or we can sit in comfortable silence, watch a movie, or a concert and just enjoy each other’s company.

I’m really trying to let go of those people that don’t want to be in my life. But it’s hard when it’s a small community. There are some that I love dearly, and want to keep in touch with. Even though there is hurt there.

I wonder if part of the thing with shadow work – does healing and letting go of trauma, make you rethink those connections and friendships you thought were right for you? Were they really friends, or were they just hanging onto you for whatever reasons? Maybe you provided a service to them. Or maybe you made them feel good with attention.

Or maybe.

Part of healing is recognizing to see the bullshit that others put into the world. You catch on more easily to who the players are. You’re moving into a new phase of your life, where you’re just tired and don’t have the energy to put up with the crap.

You re-evaluate your core values and boundaries. And when you enforce those boundaries, you’re called an asshole and ungrateful. At least, that’s what I learned from family. And so, I just disengage. Remove myself from those conversations and people.

There’s a lot I’m feeling right now. And mostly, I want to be alone. I want to write. I want to share my thoughts and ideas. I want to heal. I want to let go of everything and that will happen eventually.

The resentment? Yes, it’s still there.

But deep down, I know I’m on the right path. That these lessons had to happen for a reason, so that I could start this healing journey and unlearn responses to trauma that are from generations of trauma.

So, if you feel like you need to do work – do the work. You don’t have to go it alone, sometimes it’s just better to. Just be careful when you get started.

You won’t look at people in your life the same way again.

And oddly enough. The one person I really want to talk to, is one that I left behind, because I was told he wasn’t good for my mental health. And yet, I miss our nightly chats and flirting the most.

How can shadow work be so therapeutic, rewarding, needed, and yet so fucking lonely at the same time?