Tag Archives: sex and the city rewatch

Personal

Sex and the City Re-watch #3: do we need marriage to define who we are in society?

2 Comments

I’ve moved onto season three of my Sex and the City re-watch. Miranda is living with Steve (whom she eventually marries later on). Carrie is dating Aidan – we all know how that turns out. Charlotte is desperate for marriage and claims she’s going to “get married this year damnit.” And Sam – well, Samantha has her usual sexy adventures but this time with a doctor who is addicted to Viagra for sexual purposes and gratification.

One scene in the episode “Drama Queens” really stuck with me and I felt compelled to start this post. I mean, how else am I going to get inspired to write about relationships as a single person?

Miranda and Carrie are walking down the street while discussing Steve’s “skid marks” and how their relationship has become “too comfortable” since moving in together.

Carrie says to Miranda, “Aidan’s acting exactly how I wished Big would react, and I’m acting exactly like the way I wished Big would have behaved.”

And Miranda, with her big voice of reason pipes up with this:

Maybe you don’t believe it’s real unless someone is playing hard to get.

Miranda – Sex and the City

Isn’t that the way it goes though? When things work out naturally on their own, we as humans tend to over complicate things because it feels too… easy?

Do all relationships have to have a purpose?

Out of boredom, I ignored my own advice and hopped onto Reddit to see what was happening. Someone asked this loaded question in one of the subs I’m a member of. It’s a great question. One that got me thinking about my past relationships.

And let me tell you faithful readers, there were a LOT of relationships. I dated many guys in my younger years. It’s probably why I am “living the single life” as I do now.

I always read through the responses before giving my own feedback because sometimes a comment will spark a memory or I might see something I really agree with. But this comment. This winner right here – just pissed me off. And I ignored my own advice about not arguing with random strangers on the internet.

Relationships are essential to a healthy and happy life.

Marriage is a ritual and affords special status in societies. Sex outside of marriage is frowned upon or even severely punished in many societies.

Some random asshole on the internet

I responded to this ignorant comment with:

So you’re saying single people can’t have a rich and full life being on their own? That’s pretty condescending.

Me – taking this too personally

And this is when it hit me. This is when I knew I had made a mistake. Some stranger had given me a reward for my comment. And just when I was feeling good and congratulating myself for the award, I received this comment back.

No. But we are not solitary animals. I don’t think a life in solitude is full and rich. Regardless, it’s what some choose.

Most relationships aren’t sexual and some marriages aren’t sexual. But we are sexual animals. I don’t think a life without sex is rich and full. Regardless, it’s what some choose.

I’ve certainly been arrogant, condescending, petty, vindictive, cruel, you name it. But I’ve found it’s best to give internet strangers the benefit of the doubt. There are already too many Karens on the internet who have appointed themselves morality police.

A random troll on Reddit

DID HE JUST CALL ME A KAREN?????

I don’t think a life without sex is rich and full. Regardless, it’s what some choose.

This comment was spoken by some idiot who has never experienced peri-menopause. There just comes a time in your life when sex isn’t the most important part of your life. Hormones can really have an impact on your overall drive. And you get to a point where you don’t even think about sex all that much anymore.

But I would NEVER dismiss someone who made that choice and tell them that their life isn’t rich and full because they aren’t having sex. That’s just plain ignorant. Not everyone needs sex in their life. And for me, at this time, I’m just not that into it.

What’s the point of being in a relationship, if your endgame isn’t marriage?

But what about marriage? Don’t you need to get married to define your social status? Don’t you want to get married, have two kids, the big house with the white picket fence and a pet dog? Don’t you want the — American dream?

My answer to this is always the same.

Some people just aren’t meant to be married. Common-law is just as good as marriage where I live. Sometimes having that piece of paper that makes the relationship official, just makes things more complicated. I’m okay with being on my own. It’s the married people that can’t seem to accept my lifestyle choices. Why should I get married – to be placed into a proverbial box that defines my social status? Because it makes you feel better about your life choices?

Since when does being married define who I am or how I fit into society? Since when does being single mean that I’m not contributing to society in some way? I work (usually). I pay my bills. I pay taxes. I contribute to the economy. I vote. I participate in things that matter. I even recycle. I don’t do drugs. I don’t commit crimes. I even file my taxes annually and on time.

But just because I’m single — that makes me a lesser part of society than a woman who is married with kids, has the white picket fence and a dog?

That’s just bullshit – pardon my French. But it really is. Pure and utter bullshit.

And why do all relationships have to have a purpose? Why do relationships need to be defined or have a label to describe them? Does it really matter what we call our relationships? Does it matter if relationships are long-term, short-term, monogamous or poly? Does it matter if I just want to have fun for a night, or a week or a year? Does it really matter to anyone but me?

At the end of the day, if two people enjoy each other’s company and strive to make each other happy – isn’t that what really matters? Why do we need a piece of paper to validate our feelings? Because society deems it so?

Fuck society and social status. You being married doesn’t make you any better of a person than I am for choosing the single life.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate marriage. It’s just not for me. Some of my best friends are married couples. And I’m happy for them. I’m just tired of constantly being asked, “don’t you want to get married?”

Why over complicate things with labels? Why put pressure on relationships when there doesn’t need to be? Yes, I have people in my life that I can turn to and invite out for dinner, drinks or just hang out with. I have friends that are men and women. We get together. We have fun. We solve all the world’s problems together while sipping back a few glasses of wine.

And then I go home to my bed. And they go home to theirs. And I am perfectly fine with these arrangements. My companions, mean more to me, than any sexual partner I’ve ever had. And these relationships – these friendships – these people are my soulmates in the sense that we are friends for life.

My life is as rich and fulfilled as I need it to be at this very moment that I write out this long winded rant. I don’t need some ignorant person on the internet to tell me that I’m doing “life” all wrong. And I don’t need society trying to define who I am – through my relationship status.

So, what’s the point in being a relationship if you don’t plan on getting married?

My friends, I’ll leave you with this quote from Sex and the City to let you ponder on this – next time you ask your single friend “but don’t you want to get married?”

The most exciting, challenging, and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you that you love, well, that’s just fabulous

Sex and the City

And to quote the ever adorable Samantha Jones:

I love you. But I love me more. I’ve been in a relationship with myself for (43) years, and that’s the one I have to work on.

Samantha Jones – Sex and the City

Thanks for reading. I’ll be writing the occasional rant or article about relationships as I continue my re-watch. This is something I do every few years and it’s one of my favorite shows from the late 90’s. But it’s funny how you can watch a show with a different perspective later in life and as you reach a certain age.

Thanks for reading!

Sex and the City

Never miss a post! Subscribe now.

Personal

Sex and the City Re-watch #2: Relationships are like comfort foods

2 Comments

I woke up at 7:30 am this morning but lazed in bed until about 8:15 am when I finally crawled out of bed. I’m slowly sipping reheated coffee from yesterday and have a load of laundry going in the background while listening to a playlist I created on Spotify.

This is how my day starts off most mornings since I’ve been at home. While it’s not the same as getting up at 6:00 am as I was doing when I started this blog – it still gives me a sense of normalcy and accomplishment. Is that wrong? Thinking that getting up before nine am is a major feat?

Sex and the City Re-watch: Are relationships just comfort food?

As you know, I’ve been re-watching Sex and the City, one of my favorite shows from the late 90’s along with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, and of course, Xfiles. It’s a great show even today, although some of the ideas are a little outdated. Watching the show as an older person – I find my views on characters and storylines have changed. And it’s been a very surprising revelation at just how much I have changed.

Reminiscing

I was watching old videos last night of my sister’s wedding. At the time, I was in a long -term relationship and my then boyfriend Corey, filmed the entire wedding. Everyone knew him. They loved him. Maybe even more than me. But he and I never had any passion together. We were together for the sake of just being together. After almost three years, we broke up. He wanted to “see what was out there” and I wanted more than he could give me. I also wanted to explore something that brewing inside me- something I didn’t understand at the time but would later on in life.

But watching those old videos made me reminisce about the past. They were supposed to make me feel comforted – but instead, I woke up feeling a little sad this morning.

Something is missing

I think what I miss most about being single is having someone to chat with every day. A best friend. I mean, sure, I have my girlfriends. But I don’t have anyone to share those day to day moments with. I chat often with my sister, but I can’t tell her everything going through my mind. We get along well now – but it took us a long time to get there. For one, she wouldn’t approve of this blog (or this post). Which is why I removed my last name from the site. Writing from a mostly anonymous point of view makes me feel better about sharing intimate details about love, relationships – and even sex.

I don’t miss the drama that comes with starting a new relationship. But I miss the intimacy of having a best friend to chat with and sharing life’s little or big moments with – like selling the family home. Which we did this week! I have very mixed and emotional feelings about it.

Insanity or comforting?

Sometimes I find myself writing out a passionate email to my ex and then I have to stop and remind myself – not to go down this road. I’ve been down it too many times and it’s never a healthy thing to do. I think I keep doing that because it’s familiar. It’s like comfort food -that you regret instantly.

Quote of Albert Einstein | QuoteSaga

Relationships are kind of like comfort food

You get used to having a person around and it becomes comforting. Even if the relationship is toxic or bad for you. But because you “know” that person, it’s like reaching out for an entire chocolate cake. Or like eating cake out of the garbage can – you know it’s a terrible idea but you can’t stop yourself from doing it. You like how it makes you feel at the time. You know the feeling well. You know the consequences of your actions, but on impulse, you reach out and do it anyway.

Or when the relationship ends, you find yourself going back to that person because it’s comforting. But it’s really a false comfort – like chocolate cake. And eating that cake is something that makes you feel like shit afterwards. I know. I speak from experience (both physically and metaphorically speaking). Chocolate cake is nothing but empty calories that makes you feel bloated and in some cases, you even hate yourself for eating it.

I love Miranda

It’s funny. When I was younger and watched Sex and the City, I thought that I was Carrie waiting for my Mr. Big to come around and fall madly in love with me. But now, that I’m older and wiser, I find myself identifying with Miranda more and more. Even right down to eating an entire chocolate cake for comfort. I think just goes to show how much I’ve changed since being single – by choice. Entirely, by choice.

I focused on work and became a bit of an workaholic over the years to fill that void of not being in a relationship. It did wonders for my career at the time. But now that I’m home – I’m spending too much time in my head. Too much time thinking about my past relationships. Too much time wondering – what if?

Miranda was the most level headed person on the show even during her lowest points

Miranda got the worst storylines of the show. She was a successful lawyer and even managed to become a partner in her firm. She owned her own apartment. She eventually fell in love, got married and little Brady with Steve. She moved to Brooklyn for her family and even took in Steve’s mother when she became too ill to live on her own. In the end, Miranda, really was a good person. She turned out to be the one I now, I identify most with.

And even though Miranda had some of the worst hairstyles and boyish outfits compared to the other girls, Miranda was a natural beauty in her own right. And best of all, Miranda was often the voice of reason when the girls obsessed over relationships. Miranda wanted to discuss things like world events, technology, work – anything but relationships when she was single.

And when her friends were in trouble – she would drop everything and run to them to help.

Miranda even FORGAVE Steve for cheating on her in the first movie. Do you know how hard that is to do? I know as I’ve been cheated on. Miranda, a fictional character, is a better person than I could be, as I never forgave James for how he played me all those years.

Miranda, much like me – never wanted to get married. She didn’t see herself a mom. Parenthood just kind of happened. Even the love of her life just kind of happened. And when the timing was right – she went for it. And when things got tough, she faced her fears and learned the art of forgiveness.

Did I do it all wrong? Did I miss out on my soulmate in exchange for comfort food?

Watching this show leaves me with all kinds of questions about my own love life and decisions. I’m getting too lost in my head again.

Should I have gotten married at nineteen when Rob who was living out of his truck proposed to me over the phone? Should I have run away with Steve, the trucker from Calgary who promised me summers full of romance but nothing more? Or should have I stuck it out with Trevor, the shy nerdy IT tech who professed his love for me after I played the piano for him? Even he’s now married with a young toddler.

In fact, most of the guys I dated in my younger years, are now married with kids. Even James, who said he never would get married has been married for FOUR years and has a toddler. The guy who said he would never have kids has a toddler. Let that sink in for a minute.

This spring will mark my SIXTH anniversary of being single. Sometimes I think maybe I’ve been single for too long to even welcome someone new into my life. I don’t miss obsessing over the tiniest details. I don’t miss the stress or the drama…. but…at the same time

I can’t help but wonder – is there ever a time when it becomes too late to find your soulmate?

And as I re-watch Sex and the City, through the lens of a forty something single woman, I can’t help but wonder. Am I the one who is missing out? Did I make the right choice that I needed for me at the time? How do you know when the right time is to … well, start again?

These are mostly questions I’m sending out to the universe that don’t need answers. The show reminds me of simpler times in life. Simpler relationships. Simpler days when I knew what I wanted in life.

When nights were spent with Steve riding in his big wheeler down the highway and sitting in his lap while he let me “drive” to Calgary. Then sneaking back into the house at 6:00 am the next morning. Now that was romance. Those were exciting times. I trusted my gut and spent less time in my head – I had fun and just “went with it” instead of obsessing over details.

(Steve is now living in Texas “off the grid” – the man is impossible to track down. Steve Tesse from Edmonton, if you’re reading this somehow – let me know how you’re doing)

And on that note, I’ll leave you with this scene from the show that gets me every time. Do soulmates exist? I believe in a lot of things, but soulmates? I think that’s too much pressure on a relationship. Finding that one perfect someone for the rest of your life. I mean, the task alone sounds daunting. And terrifying.

And what if – you met your soulmate, but you let him or her go? What happens then?

And for those of us that don’t believe in soulmates, is this why we turn to ex lovers, friends and boyfriends? For that old familiar feeling? To rekindle flames once lost?

Or are they just merely, comfort food?

Do you believe in soul mates? Or are relationships just comfort food?

Never miss a post – sub now