Category Archives: Personal

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Friday morning coffee thoughts

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It’s Friday and spring is in the air, but I’m having some difficulties finding motivation today. I need to clean. Do some shopping. Fix a toilet. And later, go see my dad. But meh. I’m putzing around online and wasting time – again.

The sun is shining and the birds were outside my window chirping. There are tiny little worms in my bathroom – so that means spring is nigh. The days are longer and the sun goes down around 6:30 or 7:30 pm depending on the day. And that is so nice to see. The mornings are still a bit chilly, so it’s not quite dress weather — yet.

A couple of nights ago, I was having a low night and fighting my lizard brain. Thoughts about polyamorous relationships kept me up and I had an epiphany of sorts.

It was mostly the feeling that I’m a temporary visitor when it comes to entering a poly-family. My partner is married and she has a second partner. That partner, has two other partners he is involved in.

The thought of how many people will be affected by what happens in my partnership – was quite humbling. And now, I’m treading carefully when it comes to emotions. Trying to not get too attached too early on. The relationship is still new and we’re still feeling each other out. But when you talk to someone daily and wake up to “good morning” texts – it’s difficult.

But my partner assured me yesterday morning – and this is what’s great about him. He puts up with my lizard brain and stupid thoughts that just put negative doubt in my head.

He told me, “We see you on the outside looking in, and open our doors for you.” And honestly, it was one of the sweetest things a partner has ever said. It was the reassurance, I didn’t know I needed to hear.

Blocking, unblocking is a form of manipulation and attempt to control

A former “friend” unblocked me and reblocked me this week on Fetlife. I find it hilarious and sad at once. That’s when I realized that there are a lot of manipulative people in the scene. Doing this – it’s manipulation. They’re trying to get your attention, hoping that you will reach out. And I refuse to play those games. I also refuse to keep quiet on my own experiences.

While I don’t point fingers, or say things to purposefully hurt others, I don’t hold back either.

A person doesn’t respect you, if they don’t respect your boundaries. And I learned that the hard way, once I tried imposing my own set of values and boundaries. The more firm you are with people, they just walk away, or block you all together.

I’m the type of person that doesn’t block people I cared about or thought were friends. Heck, even my ex isn’t blocked and my bff’s at the time wanted me to block him.

I just find it funny. I’m losing “friends” still — even though, I’m mostly keeping to myself. Making new connections and relationships. So, the only thing I can surmise, is what’s being said in private conversations where I’m not around to defend myself.

And so….

For Ostara and spring, I think I will be working on banishing negative energy and toxic people from my life. Not an easy task. But I have plans for spring. I want to get out more. Explore the trails more. Go for walks. Go to garage sales and flea markets.

Basically just start living again. Maybe even attend a concert, or event again. Maybe eventually, meet up with new friends in person and perhaps, even meet a local partner.

But all in good time.

It’s been a week – and I’m glad the weekend is here.

Happy Friday!

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A rant about positivity and people

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This is going to be a bit of a rant, but I’m tired of getting shit upon for going through a depression.

Depression isn’t something you can just shut off. Like anxiety, it’s part of your genetic makeup. It’s a chemical process in the brain that happens when life gets to be too much. Sometimes it happens for no reason at all.

It comes and goes as if it were a living and breathing organism and you have zero control over it. Yes, you can take medications, go to therapy, do all the healthy things to “snap out of it” – but you cannot just will it to go away.

Positive thinking and attitudes are great. But with depression – you see the worst of everything until it finally passes. You might cry daily. Or sleep. Or isolate and want to hide and be alone in your feelings. Which sometimes makes it worse.

But what I cannot stand.

Is those “I need positive friends” all the time people.

People aren’t positive ALL the time. If they are, trust me, when I say they are masking their pain.

Sure, having a positive outlook on life can help. But people aren’t meant to be happy and positive all the time. Life is all about karmic lessons and challenges that throw you off your game.

I’ll say it again.

People who are showing positivity ALL the time are masking it. They’re putting on a show. Some people are just more open and honest about their feelings. And that was never a problem for me before.

But when you hit rock bottom – you find out quickly who your friends are. And those people that stick by you, will surprise you most. I also find that this is a good time to make a clean sweep and start over. Make room for new friendships and connections to form.

Dropping someone as a friend when they are at their worst or in a serious depression, is more about them than you.

It’s not normal to be positive ALL the fucking time. And while I don’t see myself as a “negative nilly” all the time – I’m not the type to sugar coat my moods or hide my true feelings about something.

So. This phase of my life is more about finding friends that are similar to me and real.

Because let’s be real.

You can’t just shut depression on and off light a light bulb.

You can’t just shut feelings on and off. Well, some people can but I’m not one of them. I feel everything and strongly.

When one door closes it – use that fucking door to let someone new in who will appreciate you for ALL of you and the lessons they could learn from you.

For me, I’m grateful for the new friends I’ve made in recent months. They have shown me what support really looks like. And I couldn’t be more grateful.

People are temporary. Feelings are temporary. It’s those that stand by you during your lowest times – those are the connections and people that you treasure.

Anxiety and depression doesn’t just “Shut off” at will. And those who don’t live with anxiety, just don’t get it. Find people that “get” you.

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Promises to myself and more lessons learned

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It’s been a very introspective kind of weekend and I’ve been lost in a lot of thought and soul searching. In between social gatherings, seeing family, friends and having a few too many glasses of rum. Oy vey. But – I compiled a list of lessons that I learned this year and am making some promises to my future self.

I thought I would share them here. Not only for accountability, but to help inspire others to do the same. I may have written this out in haste last night after a couple of glasses of rum. I woke up at 6 am this morning, wide eyed, and in a better mind set.

I love early mornings when it’s still dark out. The world is quiet. I’ve got the fireplace roaring. A hot cup of coffee. Quiet music in the background. And the world around me is still silent. Or maybe that’s the noise canceling headphones.

Note: this isn’t aimed at any one person in particular. Just some lessons I learned since coming back to the scene.

You can’t be friends with everyone. Not everyone is going to like you

I learned this lesson last time I was out in the scene. There are going to be haters. People that you just don’t see eye to eye with. But you choose to either avoid them, not share your space with them – or learn to communicate in a respectful manner. Sometimes avoiding is just easier.

Don’t lose yourself in relationships

This I still struggle with. Sometimes I lose a bit of myself when in relationships. I’m a people pleaser. I like to see my partners happy. I tend to put others needs before my own. And when that relationship ends, it feels like I’ve lost a part of myself. Which, I guess, is partially true. But the lesson now is to learn to take better care of myself. Treat myself as I would my partner.

When someone asks you for something, give it to them

When someone asks for space or time to think about things, let them have the space or time. My anxiety is terribly for this. I’m an anxious attachment that works better with secure attachments. I tend to make things worse by trying to fix them, instead of just letting them be. I’m not needy. I’m not this clingy person. But when conflict arises, I suddenly lose all reason. And the irrational side of my brain kicks in. Panic and fear takes over. I make things worse than they are. Until eventually, I push people away. And I’m tired of doing this to myself and to others.

It’s okay, not to be okay sometimes. But don’t isolate.

Fight or flight mode is high when you have anxiety. My initial gut reaction is to just hide with my feelings. I can sometimes go for days without speaking to people. Or at least I used to. Now I have people that reel me back in. I want to work at being a better friend and being there for them – and not solely obsessing over my own problems. Isolation makes things way fucking worse.

It’s okay to be okay, but DO ask for help or support, or a hug when needed. Right now – I’m getting there. Slowly. Day by day.

Keep on writing, and creating things

Instead of turning to music and art during emotionally challenging times, I should just work with my hands and keep busy ALL of the time. It’s something I love and people love seeing my work.

Get back into handmade crafts. Sell some bracelets. Do some painting. Write some music. Do more baking and cooking. Entertain more. Get busy with it, girl.

Size doesn’t matter when it comes to play

One thing I am grateful for, is that there were people who showed me I could have relationships and play even given the size I am right now. I’ll never be thin or athletic. I need to lose weight for health reasons. But it shouldn’t STOP me from enjoying the things in life I want to enjoy.

It’s okay to make mistakes

I made some mistakes this year. I’m working on making amends and doing the right thing. I take every mistake as a learning opportunity. Some mistakes cost me A LOT. And some I’m still healing from. What I can promise to myself, is to do better at apologizing and communicating in a way that is effective and also works for the other party. I also need to learn to forgive myself, even if the other person doesn’t.

Let go of what no longer serves you purpose

This is the hardest lesson of all. I get attached easily to new relationships and friendships. I’m the type of person who wants to make things right. I have my limits and my boundaries, like everyone does – but I don’t give up easily for those people I really care for. And sometimes it hurts like hell that people are so easy to just walk away from connections. It’s not easy for me.

Even if it’s the right thing to do at the time, it’s not easy. I struggle with letting go. Even if there are no more reasons to stay.

There are more things I’ve thought about – but I think that’s a good list. Writing is a passion of mine. I do have a blog that I don’t share here (stalker issues). Communication was going to be my career before I got sick. So, I’ll get back into blogging and sharing informative articles here too.

What have you learned this last year?

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Match energy given to you, or let it go

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Something has been bugging me lately about communication and I’m going to try an experiment over the next while.

Do you ever feel like you are always the one reaching out to certain people to keep conversations going? Like you’re the only one in certain relationships making all the effort?

Some friends reach out daily to me and I love them for it. I’m definitely not used to it. And I make every effort to respond to them, chat throughout the day and let them know if I’m having a bad day and not feeling up to chatting. But the girls can’t seem to go more than a few hours without saying something and it’s a lot of fun.

But it’s the men that I notice that I’m often the one reaches out. There are a couple of males friends that will send a message to check on me. And then a week or so will go by and we don’t talk at all. And that’s okay. There are no rules when it comes to friendship. I have lots of friends where we come and go after a few months or even a couple of years and just pick up like no time has passed.

My Minnesota man is pretty good at communication. Not long ago, I was keeping busy and he messaged me about 7 hours later and was like, “You’re being uncomfortably quiet today.” It made me laugh. Other times, we might not talk until later in the evening or after he’s done work. And that’s okay too.

For the next week or so, I’m conducting an experiment.

I’m going to see how many friends reach out to me first if I go radio silent for a few days. I’m pretty sure I know who will reach out. But it begs the question….

Are they really interested in me? Or do these guys just love the chase?

I guess I’ll find out.

Communication in all relationships is a two way street. If one person is doing all the reaching out – it gets tiresome. If that person stops reaching out then what? Does the friendship just stop all together?

I get we all have bad days and I don’t demand ANYONE to message me daily. I even told the Man that early on and he was the one who insisted on daily communication. And there hasn’t been a day we haven’t sent a few texts back and forth in six months.

So…tonight starts a 7 day streak of no contact.

Well. It’s not no contact. It’s just to see who is willing to reach out and reciprocate the energy given.

Two things I’ve learned recently.

I don’t chase. I attract. I refuse to chase anyone who isn’t interested in being with me. If for any reason, they lose interest – so be it. I’m not going to put any energy into that person.

And….

Match the energy given to you. If your person starts to distance themselves from you, try and find out why. If they refuse to talk, then do your own thing.

Sometimes they come back. And sometimes, it’s just better to let go.

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Finding love again after forty. Is it possible in today’s world?

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It’s late as I sit down to write this post. It’s been an eventful couple of weeks and I haven’t written much in the blog. That’s being done on purpose. I’ve found that when I post daily, people don’t engage. If I post every few days, I’ll get more interaction. And so, I’m trying to cut back.

But the other part is I’m struggling these days. Emotionally. I’ve lived with this illness all my life and I’ve come to accept that it’s a permanent disability with no cure. That’s just part of my life now. How can I meet someone new and let them into my life, when some days, I can’t even get out of bed? What kind of life could I offer someone?

Lately, I’m finding that I’m angry and resentful about my choices in life. I stopped dating back in 2015 after Greg and I broke up. The relationship was so toxic that I couldn’t ever see myself being with another man. Or woman. I’m straight in that sense. That’s not to say that I didn’t experiment when I was younger. I mean, that’s what your early 20’s are for.

There were men over the years. I dated a lot in my teens and early 20’s. There were a few steady relationships over the years. Cory, we dated for almost three years until I was 21. Then Ken came along for a year. Then Greg and I met for the first time and fell in love. It was a short and rocky six months. But there was love there. We reconnected later in life and would get involved off and on for nearly five years.

I dated other men in between our breaks. It was his idea, saying he couldn’t give me what I wanted. James came back over the years. We got closer than ever in 2012. Then the man who told me he never wanted to marry, got married and has a family of his own. After giving him nearly 19 years of my life.

Love is stupid sometimes. And blind. Turns out, I was just an option to him. Never making the top list. I was never marriage material.

I found great love early in life when I wasn’t ready to make a commitment. By the time I was ready to offer my love to someone, I had either gotten too old or the men weren’t interested in me in the same way. Perhaps it’s my fault for dating the wrong kind of men.

But here we are. March 2022 and I just realized I haven’t been with a partner since 2015. That’s a long time to be single. At first, I thought this is what I wanted. Now… I guess I feel lonely and cut off. I see my friends and family happy in their marriages and I wonder if I missed out.

People tell me that it’s never too late. In some ways it is. I’ve lived alone far too long to even know how to let someone in. I’m still trying desperately to lose weight. To get to a place where I feel comfortable in my own skin and maybe, at some point, let myself be intimate with someone.

I know. People tell me weight shouldn’t matter. I should just find someone that loves me for me. But .. it’s fucking hard. There are wars going on in the world. People are struggling financially. Some people have lost hope. And then you have me, living with a disability and not even able to much due to constant pain.

I saw a geneticist this week and it was a life changing appointment. He got more work done in one appointment, than most of my GP’s have all my life. I’m being referred to the right care team. At least, I hope they’re the right ones. If they tell me to just lose weight, I might fucking scream and punch them in the face.

How do you let someone in when you’ve closed yourself off to the world for this long? I wouldn’t even know where to begin. There’s so much mistrust, so much hurt and pain. Still even after all these years.

There’s a saying that you only get three great loves in your life. Well, if that’s true, then maybe I’ve used up all my great loves. Soul mates? I thought I had found that in Greg. Turns out he was just another dud in the saddle feeding me all the right lines I wanted to hear.

I know some of you come to this blog for uplifting messages, and to read stories of my life. I’m sorry to disappoint you with this all tonight.

For the first time in a long time, I’m feeling a little lonely. Maybe a little sorry for myself.

I often wonder what life would have been like had I married young, when I had been asked. There were two men, that if I stuck with them, I could have been married. But I wasn’t ready. One of the men even turned to me later and said, “I got married right after you. That could have been you.”

And so.. I sit here. With pensive and negative thoughts. But I’m all right. There’s a plan. A course of action to get me on the road to improving quality of life.

Maybe one day in the near future. I can find love again too.

To the man who still calls me an attention seeking whore: I’ve been single for seven years. You’re delusional.

That’s enough wallowing for now.

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One year closer to 50

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It’s Saturday morning and I’ve just sat down for my first cup of coffee for the day. The sky is clear outside and the sun is shining. It’s early for me, I woke up out of a deep sleep around 7:30 am and decided to get up for the day.

Yesterday was my birthday and it was pretty low key. I was overly emotional and I don’t know why. I think part of it is what’s going on in Europe. My family is from Europe and so, it’s hitting pretty hard. It brings up a lot of feelings about why my family moved to Canada. I wrote about it yesterday and then deleted it because it’s not my story to share.

I decided to say “screw it” for eating healthy for the weekend. I deserved a treat. I ordered a small grocery order in from Walmart and bought a small black forest cake. It’s a cake that we used to eat often at family dinners.

I lazed around all day, did some writing and then headed to my dad’s at six pm. We had a nice visit. His memory goes in and out. Towards the end of the visit he asked me what day it was. “Is it the 25th today?” he asked me. I nodded, and had already told him it was my birthday. “Your sister told me it was the 25th. Happy birthday.” And that made me tear up.

It was close to 8:30 by the time I got home but I wanted to wait until he fell asleep. I told him I loved him, over and over again so he would remember. At one point he said, “Thanks, I needed that.” They lost his hearing aids, so I don’t know how much he got out of the conversation. But he knew he missed me. I couldn’t get to him for two weeks because of my knee.

I ordered in some McD’s, which of course, made me feel sick after. Had a piece of cake. Responded to a slew of texts and messages on Facebook. This time I just did a generic message because I’ve been feeling pretty down. The cake was delicious. I’m going to have another piece. It’s a tiny personal cake which is just fine for one person.

Being single means buying your own food and cake. This was the first time I had done something like that, and it felt good. I’m 45 now, I can do whatever the fuck I want to do.

As for disability benefits, I had a follow up call on Thursday with my case manager. The good thing is she realizes the gravity of my illness. She said we’ll see how your appointment goes. If you eventually can get to a place where you can return to work, or if it comes down to improving quality of life, we can help you with that too. I admitted to her that it was more about quality of life. I’ve given up the notion of finding any employer who would hire me given my absence history. I can’t go back to government work. Nor do I want to.

And so, this birthday, felt a little heavier. I’m missing my mother terribly. I’m missing my dad. He’s still here, but it’s not him anymore. And for the first time last night in a long time, I questioned my decision about living alone and staying single. Sometimes I just miss having someone to talk to everyday.

So, here’s to me. At 45. One year closer to 50.

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Blogger milestone: 1,000 followers!

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Good morning! It’s Monday morning and I am feeling pretty good today even despite my fall yesterday. Apologies for the rant post but I was feeling pretty down on myself. My sister reached out this morning and offered to bring me my dad’s cane. We caught up for a bit and I am happy to have something help me hobble around. I’m okay. My knee on the other hand is pretty banged up.

Last week, my blog hit the 995 mark and finally, I’m at about 1008 followers. I wanted to wait a bit before posting a celebratory post in case I lost some followers. I’m glad to see more engagement and have been better at reading and discovering new blogs too.

I thought I would celebrate by sharing some artwork, and answering a few “get to know me” questions!

Why did you start blogging?

I started this blog back in April 2019 when I wanted to get back into writing. I had written a couple of e-books and wanted a platform to share my personal stories and experiences with grief and loss. From there, the blog went through many changes and has really grown in the past year.

What do you enjoy blogging about?

Everything and anything. I’ve really come to like cooking soups, stews and creating my own recipes, so I share those from time to time. I also like researching mental health trending topics and sharing my opinions and stories about my professional experiences here. I’m also trying to promote awareness about chronic illness and invisible disabilities. I live with hEDS — more on that later.

What kind of music do you listen to?

A bit of everything except heavy metal or rap. I have 40 playlists on Spotify from indie folk, classical piano to classic rock. I listen to a lot of classic rock and I grew up on music from the 50’s and 60’s. It really depends on my mood. I would say I listen to more indie folk than anything these days. And top 40, 80s-90s more than anything.

What are your favorite television shows?

That’s a good question. My all time fave shows include Supernatural (I watched from 2005-2020). Twilight Zone, X-files, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel.

More recently – Breaking Bad, Better Call Saul, Lucifer, Animal Kingdom and The Vampire Diaries is a guilty pleasure. Back in the day, I loved shows like Sex and the City (the reboot is awful!!!), Seinfeld, Cheers, Friends, That 70’s Show and even That Family Guy. I also really liked Bones and re-watch it every couple of years.

Most of my shows have ended so now I listen to a lot of podcasts and watch indie news on Youtube. Or gamers like Markiplier, jacksepticeye and more.

What are your favorite hobbies?

Because of my hypermobility, I wasn’t able to do a lot of sports growing up. I got into music instead. I studied classical piano for about ten years and clarinet. I even joined a city orchestra and performed in concerts and competitions. I retired from stage performance in 2017 to focus on health, and compositions. I’m using a penname for this blog now and try not to share my music videos here.

Sometimes I take a break from music and focus on digital art, photography or painting. I’m also really into herb gardens, DIY crafts and home living these days. I’m in a nesting phase of my life.

What do you do for work?

I’m currently on disability leave after having received a permanent disability diagnosis. For now, I have this blog and music to keep me entertained on good days. I write often because it gives me something to look forward to each day.

Before that, I worked in office administration from 2000 – 2019. Almost 20 years and I was working towards a career in communications and taking training through my job. I spent six years in health administration and learned a lot. A couple of years in education administration – student employment. And I have an extensive background in community stakeholder and event planning. That is my real passion and something I was really good at.

Unfortunately, I got really sick and was battling almost daily migraines in 2019 and had too many sick days. It was HR that told me I should look into LTDI and here I am. I’m using the term “medical retirement” for now.

Why don’t you share any pictures here?

Well, that’s a loaded question. I stopped sharing my real name and pictures here on wordpress after having some issues with creepy men that I wound up having to block. They were leaving sexual comments that I didn’t find appropriate – especially when posting about grief and loss.

So now, I use a penname (though Wendy is my first real name). I’m rebranding my image here and am working on new artwork to share with you. Unfortunately, it only takes a couple of creeps to ruin it for everyone else. I do have some social media accounts reserved for long-time followers or those I know personally. I share pictures there. The accounts are private. Also, if I ever am able to work again, then I really don’t want potential employers finding this blog. Unless they want to hire me for blogging!

For now, here’s a baby picture of me – getting an early start in writing. Yes, I’m old. That my young friends, is a typewriter.

What do you like about blogging and wordpress?

I think the main thing here is the community. I’ve met a few online bloggers that I really like to communicate with. I’m pretty bad for leaving comments on blogs so I am trying to get better at that. I’m still shopping around for a tablet that I can use while lying in bed on bad days.

So for me, it’s being able to share my artwork and daily life thoughts, and being able to connect with others like me. I can also learn a lot about different things here.

Thank you for your ongoing friendships

I think that’s it for now! If you have any questions you’d like me to address I can do that in a second post.

Thank you all for following my blogging journey here on WordPress. I know I post a lot – maybe more than most bloggers. But it gives me a sense of purpose and a reason to get up each morning.

I try and keep posts to one a day but when you don’t work, there’s a lot of hours to fill in. I’m also working on story ideas for some fiction novels. I’ve got a good start on one book but not sure I will share it! We’ll see how it goes. I can write up to about 6,000 words in one day. Sometimes I will draft 3 or 4 blog posts and save them for later. I write whenever an idea comes to mind or something sparks my interest.

Please follow!

If you want more posts like this and free downloads, then follow my blog. I’m working on a series of templates for checklists, tasks lists, and printable journals!

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Dream Speak: What’s your earliest memory?

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This was a question that popped up on Reddit and as I was doing some writing today, a vision popped into my head as clear as thought it happened yesterday.

When I was an infant, maybe just a year old, my mother took me and my siblings on a train ride. It could have been to the mountains, but I honestly don’t remember where we went. I’ve only heard bits and pieces of the story.

Apparently, dad was working and would meet up with us later with the station wagon. Or he wasn’t coming at all. I can’t remember that either. I do know that my mother fell on the way to grab our luggage, with me in her arms.

She had been trying to get away from some bikers dressed in leather jackets and were hanging around the station with their bikes. Funny enough, the bikers helped her up and carried her luggage to the train.

I honestly don’t know how I remember this but. I remember being held in my mother’s arms. She was talking to my siblings. I looked up and out the window. I could see trees and mountains fly by. I can still feel the train shaking on the tracks as it picked up speed.

I think for me, that is the earliest memory I have. But there are more.

Fantasy, Clouds, Island, Sun, Light

Floating dreams

As a kid, I had the craziest dreams, much like I do now. I swear that this one felt so real – I had convinced myself it actually happened.

I would walk out of my bedroom into the hallway and stand at the top of the stairs. I’d place my hand on the left railing, kick my legs up into the air and float down the stairs.

This happened so many times that I’m convinced I must have found some way to float down the stairs. It didn’t hurt when I landed on the carpet at the bottom of the stairs. And sometimes, I would fly across the house.

Apparently, this is a common thing. Many people recall having similar experiences up until a certain age. Later on, I would start having travel dreams. Dreams where I actually traveled to far off places, realms and would even float into people’s houses.

I remember spying on an ex once. I floated up the stairs and knocked on the door. He couldn’t see me, so I floated right into the house like Casper. I could see him in the kitchen. The kids were in the living room. And his now ex wife, was sitting on the couch knitting.

They couldn’t see me – but I could see everything they did. And then, next thing I knew, I was back in my own bed.

Under Water, Fashion, Woman, Underwater

Out of body experiences

The next few memories are a little trippy and disturbing for me. Flying dreams are a different sensation all together. It’s like you can feel your soul or spirit lift out of your body. When the dream is over, it feels like you sink or fall into the body. Science will tell you this is a hypnic jerk. But me being the spiritual person, tends to believe that our soul or spirit travels when we sleep.

How else could I describe to you what our house looked like from aerial view? I had never seen pictures or videos of our neighbourhood from above. We didn’t have drones or video cameras back then. So, how could I possible describe in detail – what the house looked like from above?

I’ve chatted with a few people recently that had similar experiences. It’s mind-boggling that science still doesn’t know much about dreams or astral travel. They call is pseudoscience which means most scientists don’t take it too seriously.

There are other memories but this post is already getting long. It’s funny how I can remember something as an infant, but can’t remember what I had for breakfast yesterday without tracking it.

I’m writing about dreams because I had one of the most terrifying nightmares this morning. I can’t even make sense of it. Or explain it. For the first time in a long time, I woke up in fear. Actual fear.

I might start writing about dreams again as I remember them. But we’ll see.

What are your earliest memories? Did you have floating or flying dreams? Do you still have them? Have you ever astral traveled? Let me know in the comments.

Cheers.

Please follow my blog – you will never be spammed. I do write often.

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My new meds are causing some crazy anxiety dreams

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It’s Tuesday morning and I’ve been awake since 7:30. The sky is dark this morning even after 9:00 am. I just finally got out of bed, got dressed and have my breakfast and a cup of coffee. Breakfast this morning is a piece of toast with half a banana, some oatmeal granola that I made last night (it’s very crumbly) and a hardboiled egg. Oh, and my one cup of instant coffee that I must have most mornings. Sometimes I don’t because my sinuses cause dry mouth. On those mornings, I just drink a lot of water.

It’s a warmer day today and I tried sitting on the balcony last night. That wind was chilly even though we finally broke 0 degrees. It is supposed to be warm all this week and that is a welcome change, however, it is also supposed to rain today and that means the sidewalks and roads are going to be awful. Why does that always happen on days I have to go out??? I need to see my dad soon. I did get some of the snow cleared off my balcony yesterday but it’s really piled on. The chairs are cleared at least and I knocked a good foot of snow off the railing.

I’m feeling a little more human today and I’m wondering if it’s because I didn’t take my new meds yesterday. Maybe the dosage is too high for starting off. I’m on 500 mg of Naproxen and while it is great for the pain, I’ve been having lots of dizzy spells and nausea this week. Related? I don’t know. We’ll see , I guess. Maybe I’ll just cut the pill in half and see if that helps a bit. Then work my way up to 500 mg. You’re supposed to take the pill twice a day but that seems excessive.

One thing that is crazy is the amount of dreams I am having this week and I wonder if it’s related to the meds. These are pain meds for the migraines and arthritis. I also get a lot of lower back pain from a previous fracture that was never treated. Just making the bed for example can send me into fits of screaming rage – from the pain. But daily exercise seems to be helping a bit with that.

Having weird dreams isn’t a new concept to me. What is weird is that I’m repeating dreams that I had years ago. One dream about my ex felt so real, that it’s messing with my psyche. I was almost convinced that the dream really happened. And now it’s playing with my memory – did this really happen? Did I forget about the incident? Or have I just had the dream so many times that it feels real? This must be what my dad feels like with the hallucinations. It’s a bit scary. Not knowing what’s real or not.

I’ve had different variations of this dream. Sometimes it’s with my ex Kevin. And sometimes it’s my ex Cory. I remember one dream where Cory and I drove for hours trying to find the perfect spot to camp for the night. We went a few times together in real life with his parents and went on a few road trips – one to Radium, BC and one to Cochrane to visit his family. It was a nice and safe relationship – a little too safe for me, which is ultimately why it ended after 2.5 years. We wanted different things. I wanted to move in. He was a mom’s boy and wanted to stay at home. Guess who got married first and wound up having kids. Isn’t that always the way? But there’s no shade there. After we broke up, we patched things up and stayed friends for a while. At least until we both moved onto other relationships. He even helped me move once.

Kevin was a different story. We dated for about a year. It was a serious relationship. I introduced him to a lot of my friends in a certain community. And in the end, I lost some friends when the relationship ended. It’s weird that I would start dreaming about him after we split though. It was a painful breakup but also inevitable. We loved each other, just not enough.

In the dream, we drive for a few hours until we find this old one bedroom cabin. I think we must be lost in the dream because the cabin is empty except for a bit of furniture and a fireplace. We dump our bags inside and wind up sleeping outside in a “lean-to” which is a DIY survival sleeping area made of wood, trees and natural elements. I learned that from a survival weekend camp thingy many years ago.

The dream is always very short and I wake up right after it. We’re lying down on the ground trying to keep each other warm. And then I’m back in my bed. I’m often left scratching my head wondering what the dream could mean. And why is it a different person in each dream? The first few times I had the dream, it was with Kevin. Then Cory. And back and forth. I’m usually pretty good at dream interpretations but this one has me scratching my head. Literally. I need a shower.

These are relationships that have been over for more than a decade and yet these guys still creep into my dreams. I also had a very vivid dream about my high school best friend Trina and our townhouse that we lived in together for about five months in 1996. In the dream, she asked if I would stay home and look after her toddler with last minute notice. She treated me terribly and was using me for money the entire six months I lived with her family (Trina, Scott and the baby).

I point blank looked at her and said, “I’m your roommate. I pay to live here. I’m not free childcare.” And I felt this sense of rage and wanted to punch her in the face. That anger stayed with me a bit when I woke up and I realized it was just a dream. But I guess I have a lot of pent up feelings that I never got to tell her after our last fight. I’ll write about that experience in another post. Moving out had been a big mistake and one I’ll always regret. But it was also an important life lesson – be careful who you let into your life, and your heart.

Anyway, I think that’s it. I just wanted to jot down those dreams before I forget. There’s been so many weird dreams this week that feel so real. And so many dreams of a time in my life that is very hazy. This happened more than 20 years ago! Why am I remembering this now? I thought I let go of it all. But dreams have a weird way of re-hashing things you thought were in the past. And I spent a good hour this morning trying recall more about that time in my life. Maybe it’s something to mention in therapy this week.

That’s enough for me. Time to finish my breakfast, have a shower and get my day started. Off to see my dad hopefully later today. Just waiting for a text from my sister saying it’s okay for me to go. She knows I’ve been sick.

And can someone please tell me why this hardboiled egg is so rubbery and gross? I tasted one yesterday and it was perfect. Oh well!

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A little Christmas cheer

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Yesterday afternoon, I got tired of looking at my bare Christmas tree and decided to start decorating it. I’ve been putting it off because I’ve reinjured my back recently and it hurts – a lot. I’ve been taking it easy this past week and sleeping in a bit more the past few days.

Did I tell you that I found out at some point in the last 12 years I fractured my spine? I’m still miffed at this. My former doctor never told me about this injury. I’m glad we get our health records now – this is how I found out about the injury. It showed up in a scan I had last fall when I got checked for fibrosis of the lungs. The injury is wedging between the vertebrae towards the bottom of the spine. No wonder it hurts. I suspect this happened during one of many falls on ice. Lord knows there have been enough of them over the years.

So, I’ve been taking it easy. Getting lots of sleep. Taking pain killers every day. And exercising.

But it was worth the pain. My little 4 foot tree looks adorable. I’m on the hunt for something to decorate the fireplace with. Maybe garland. I have to get new command hooks so it doesn’t damage the paint. I’m also scared to put anything on the tile. It’s so pretty.

I call this my Charlie Brown Christmas tree. I have a lot of Keepsake ornaments and Charlie Brown ones too. I love it. The tree is looking a little pathetic though.

While decorating the tree, I listened to Nana Mouskouri’s “Old Toy Train” which my mum played every Christmas. She loved Nana’s music. These are the sounds that filled my house when I was young. Nana is Greek performer that was hugely popular in the 80’s and 90’s. Mum had all her albums. We would listen to Perry Como, Dean Martin, Vera Lynn, Rita MacNeill and of course, Nana.

I need some garland… work in progress

This song makes invokes so many emotions – my throat closes up and I choke back the tears every time I hear it. Even my aunts joke about it because mum was obsessed with this Christmas album. And so it’s fitting, that when I decorate the tree with ornaments inherited from my mother, that I listen to her favorite song.

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