Tag Archives: the single life

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One year closer to 50

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It’s Saturday morning and I’ve just sat down for my first cup of coffee for the day. The sky is clear outside and the sun is shining. It’s early for me, I woke up out of a deep sleep around 7:30 am and decided to get up for the day.

Yesterday was my birthday and it was pretty low key. I was overly emotional and I don’t know why. I think part of it is what’s going on in Europe. My family is from Europe and so, it’s hitting pretty hard. It brings up a lot of feelings about why my family moved to Canada. I wrote about it yesterday and then deleted it because it’s not my story to share.

I decided to say “screw it” for eating healthy for the weekend. I deserved a treat. I ordered a small grocery order in from Walmart and bought a small black forest cake. It’s a cake that we used to eat often at family dinners.

I lazed around all day, did some writing and then headed to my dad’s at six pm. We had a nice visit. His memory goes in and out. Towards the end of the visit he asked me what day it was. “Is it the 25th today?” he asked me. I nodded, and had already told him it was my birthday. “Your sister told me it was the 25th. Happy birthday.” And that made me tear up.

It was close to 8:30 by the time I got home but I wanted to wait until he fell asleep. I told him I loved him, over and over again so he would remember. At one point he said, “Thanks, I needed that.” They lost his hearing aids, so I don’t know how much he got out of the conversation. But he knew he missed me. I couldn’t get to him for two weeks because of my knee.

I ordered in some McD’s, which of course, made me feel sick after. Had a piece of cake. Responded to a slew of texts and messages on Facebook. This time I just did a generic message because I’ve been feeling pretty down. The cake was delicious. I’m going to have another piece. It’s a tiny personal cake which is just fine for one person.

Being single means buying your own food and cake. This was the first time I had done something like that, and it felt good. I’m 45 now, I can do whatever the fuck I want to do.

As for disability benefits, I had a follow up call on Thursday with my case manager. The good thing is she realizes the gravity of my illness. She said we’ll see how your appointment goes. If you eventually can get to a place where you can return to work, or if it comes down to improving quality of life, we can help you with that too. I admitted to her that it was more about quality of life. I’ve given up the notion of finding any employer who would hire me given my absence history. I can’t go back to government work. Nor do I want to.

And so, this birthday, felt a little heavier. I’m missing my mother terribly. I’m missing my dad. He’s still here, but it’s not him anymore. And for the first time last night in a long time, I questioned my decision about living alone and staying single. Sometimes I just miss having someone to talk to everyday.

So, here’s to me. At 45. One year closer to 50.

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I love my new home.

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It’s hard to believe that just a few weeks ago, I was living among a pile of boxes and had made a decision that would forever change my life. I moved. As most of you know by now. And it sucked. A lot. But today marks my second week of living in my new condo and I thought I’d update on how things are going.

It took me a long time to get unpacked. I went through all the cardboard boxes and finally just tossed out the empties today. It was so windy, I nearly lost the pile of boxes to the wind. But luckily, managed to scoop them all up and into the bin they went. I dusted off my hands, came back inside and sat proudly as I glanced around my new space.

My faithful friend Wally dropped off groceries for me this morning. I actually got up, showered and was dressed before 10 am. I really need to try and get into some sort of normal routine so I can get back into “working” mode – whatever that might look like. I’m waiting for approval on my LTDI application. The migraines have been brutal and constant though.

What does that mean? It means I’m still employed, but I’ll be collecting 70% of my salary instead. This will mean some major lifestyle changes and cutting back on some luxuries. If you can call if that. I didn’t have many luxuries like travel to begin with. And with the pandemic still going strong, until I get vaccinated, this is life now.

How has my life changed? A lot surprisingly, and not so much in some ways.

Cooking Challenges

I’ve gotten back into cooking and have been making most of my meals with exception of take in that I ordered the night I moved in here. My sister also dropped off a couple of dinners for me that I ate while still unpacking the kitchen. The kitchen was my priority. I had that done by the end of the first weekend. Next came my spare room, living room and bedroom. While things are unpacked, I am still going through the bins to figure out what I’m keeping and what is being donated.

I love how much room I have here now. My living room is spacious and I have a nice carpet I can lie down on and workout on. There are no mice here. Which means I have a clean floor and don’t have to worry about a critter crawling on me. Or mouse droppings. I’ve checked daily and am happy to report – mouse free for two weeks. I can’t tell you what a relief this has been.

Now that I have a clean and organized kitchen, I’m cooking almost nightly. The nights that I don’t cook, I’m eating leftovers. I feel a lot better for this and it gives me something to do at night time. I’m trying to get back into healthy eating, so my fridge is stocked up with fruits and veggies that will be washed later on this afternoon.

In an effort to save money on food, I’m trying to more mindful of how much I buy. The upper level of my fridge is small and can only hold so much food. So my buying methods have changed. I can also walk across the street to the Dollar Store and No Frills. My sister picked up a microwave so I’m a little low on counter space.

What’s for dinner tonight? I’m thinking I need to use up the kale in the fridge. Maybe a nice quiche. I just love having a working oven. Scratch that. A working kitchen. I’ve fallen in love with my fridge even though it’s a bit tall for me.

I love the quiet.

The BEST part of this place is how freaking quiet it is. The only noises I hear so far are from traffic. I might hear the odd noises from plumbing or the building settling. Or the heating vents kicking in. But even on the holiday weekend, it was SO quiet.

It’s so quiet that I actually leave the windows open to listen to traffic. I also love my balcony. It’s massive. Once the tree grows in, I’ll have a lot of privacy too. Even the traffic noise is quiet compared to downtown living.

The view from the balcony is decent. But the view from my spare room is far more spectacular. I only wish the windows were larger. I took this yesterday morning at 6 am as I stumbled to the bathroom.

I love my new bathrooms. I have a small one with a full shower/bath. And then the master bathroom is huge. And the thing I love most – is the large tub. I’ve missed having baths. This thing is huge and it’s really clean compared to my old tub. No matter how much I cleaned it, it always felt dirty because it had scuffs and stains on it. This room. This is my go to room to unwind at the end of the night. I put on some music. Light a candle. And enjoy a hot bath.

I only have one complaint about this place in general. It’s the walls and baseboards. They’re in pretty rough shape with peeling paint. That’s general wear and tear. I’m not complaining about it to the owner though. He knows. And he is open to renos in the future. The wall color is outdated too – remember this phase in home renos? But I love having carpet again and my feet stay clean.

I will take better pictures once I have cleaned the room and it’s decorated to my liking. It’s a work in progress. Yes, the boxes have been moved lol.

Some other perks are having an elevator again. And a buzzer. I can just ring people in for deliveries up until 6 pm. Which is okay for the most part. If I order in dinner, I’ll just have to order in earlier. For visitors or dropping off supplies, I have my parking stall.

I just meet whoever is coming by the garage and let them in. It’s nice not to have to walk so far to the door – and people don’t have to rush out because they’re parked on the street. It’s safe. I feel safe.

And that’s the main thing. I feel safe here. Walking is safer.

Sure there are sketchy people everywhere, but compared to downtown, this is so much nicer.

I can even put up with the neighbourhood children screaming at each other. They’re usually inside by dinner time anyway. Even the stores close around 9-10 so at night time – it gets really quiet.

And so that’s where we are this Thursday afternoon. Thinking about how much life has changed. I’ve seen family more in the past month than in the past five years. And that says a lot. It’s why I chose this place.

I’ll share more pictures as I decorate. Here’s my fireplace which I love love love. I’ve always wanted one of these. It looks great at night time. The room is still a work in progress.

How’s your week going? What changes have you made this year? This was a huge one for me!!

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On sabbatical from love

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Since no one stepped in and told me to stop- I am still chatting with an ex. I could blame the booze. But I only had one glass of wine last night. So, it’s not that. Maybe it’s COVID and isolation. Being cut off from my usual group of friends and acquaintances. You all know I’ve been struggling with this.

The dreaded question came up. Well, not so much of a question but a statement.

“That’s fine if is works for you. Unless you’ve dated since we last talked.”

The last time we talked was over a year ago. Maybe more? Like two years? I’d have to go back in my Facebook history. I know I’ve only seen him once since moving into this place. We got together and caught up for lunch not long after I moved here. And that was six years ago now.

Wow. Time flies.

So, who is this guy and why am I talking to him again? Well, because love is blind, deaf and extremely dumb.

And let’s be real. You never really fall out of love with someone you really loved at one point. You can let them go. You can get over it. You can move onto someone new. But part of you remembers that love. For all the good things. And love, as stupid as it can be, trumps logic.

Don and I met when I was 18 and living at home. Or 19. I can’t remember the specifics. It wasn’t too long after James and I broke up and I was dating like – well, what do you call a 19 year old who dates a different guy every week?

I remember sneaking out of the house to meet him at the mall. My mother was very strict and didn’t approve of me meeting random single guys “online”. I used a party phone back then. Cell phones were still really expensive back then. This is like, over twenty years ago. I’m dating myself.

So, I had to sneak out and lie to my parents when I was meeting up with someone. Which for like a year there, it was a lot of random someones. To be honest, I was trying to find myself through various men. It took me a long time to realize that I needed to be on my own to find out who I really was.

Don was in his early 20s – 24 I think. We went for a beer and shot some pool. Which is what we all did back in the 90’s. Pool halls and bowling alleys were our key source entertainment after the drive in theatres closed.

Without getting into intimate details, we had a nice “relationship” for a few months. He was easy to talk to. We had chemistry. There was a spark there from the moment we met. It went deeper beyond friendship. We just – clicked.

So, what went wrong you asked?

The Marriage

Don had been in a long-time relationship with his high school sweetheart. They had a young child together and split up after a year or so realizing how hard it was to be a parent at a young age. One day Don called me on the phone and said that he really enjoyed our time together but he and the ex had been talking a lot. And he wanted to marry her and try and work things out.

Now at that age, I had no idea what real love was. I thanked him for calling – like wtf? Hung up the phone and cried for like a minute. A WHOLE minute. And then shrugged it off and called another guy I had been seeing off and on — Steve the trucker. Who I have written about before.

Don’s marriage was a rocky one. We lost touch over the years until Facebook was invented. His name popped into my head and I looked him up. We started chatting and he not only remembered me – but he wanted to get together for coffee.

Coffee. It’s a harmless get together right? An excuse to catch up with someone and have a visit. No big deal. Oh, how wrong I was.

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Chemistry

When chemistry is real, it never really fades away. There’s a natural spark that happens with two people. Whether they’re good for each other or not. Whether they can make it work or not. Chemistry makes it impossible for two people to stay away from each other. At least that’s what we told ourselves.

Don had been married since we the year that we broke up. He said that they were in an open marriage and he was free to do what he wanted. I had just lost a bunch of weight, was feeling great about myself and was just in the mood to have some fun. James and I had parted ways again. And I don’t know what I was looking for at the time. Maybe I just wanted to show off. This was back in 2008 – I had just moved to my old condo.

When he came over for coffee that first night, that chemistry – it was still there. And it was strong. We chatted most of the night. He finally got up off my couch at three in the morning and went home. That was it. We just talked.

As he left, I felt a twinge of sadness thinking that must have been what I had been missing. That connection. Communication. Just having someone to talk to like that.

The Heartache

I can’t summarize a decade long friendship in one blog post. There was just too much drama to even get into. And to be honest, I’m not comfortable sharing that much information about relationships. But what I learned was — open relationships aren’t all they are cracked up to be.

Someone almost ALWAYS gets hurt in the end. And usually, it’s the third person coming into the picture. I’ve been in all kinds of relationships over the years. And this is the only constant thing I learned.

I fell in love. Hard. Head over heels love. Madly, deeply, truly. To quote a cheesy 90’s song. I know that Don had feelings for me – but I don’t think they were as deep.

And when we parted ways for the first time in 2009, it broke my heart. I mean literally. I fell into a deep depression. But I was also struggling with hormones at the time and was on anti-depressants. So, it was a combination of things.

We remained friendly over the years. But I learned to not get romantically involved again. Even though the chemistry is still there. Even over texting – old habits are hard to break and flirting is hard to stop.

But — what’s that quote?

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting the same results. And insanity would be giving into those old feelings. And while I can appreciate the friendship and catching up – and even staying in touch this time.

This old heart of mine just can’t take another “break up”. I’ve had one too many and one too many toxic relationships with toxic men who I thought were everything to me.

And so… my response to his casual statement about dating?

“I’m on sabbatical from love. At this point, it might be a permanent thing.”

Him: “So, you’re getting a cat now?”

Me: “Cats eat your face.”

And so, that’s where we are this new year’s day/night. Thoughts on past loves. What could go wrong with that?

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On the eve of Christmas Eve

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It’s the eve of Christmas Eve and I just got in from my annual liquor store run. I also picked up my groceries with the help of my faithful friend Wally. I’ve stocked up on goodies for the weekend. But most importantly – rum.

I’m not much of a drinker thanks to the migraines that come with a glass or two of wine. I’ve discovered that the only alcohol that doesn’t make me want to punch my brain out with a poker is dark rum and rose wine. And so, I stocked up on those.

This was also the first time I’ve left my home in almost two months except to check mail and take out the garbage. I almost forgot how to walk. The sun was in the right spot and blinded me. And the liquor store guy didn’t even ask for my ID – even with a mask on. It must be the grey hairs that give me away.

The government announced yesterday (albeit too late), that single people like me can go out ONCE this holiday season and join a family for dinner. Yeah, thanks UCP. It’s a little too late for that. Two days before Christmas? My family already have their plans made for the weekend. And you want me to choose between three families?

Nope. I’m not getting suckered into that. Just choosing to visit one family is enough to create drama that I don’t need. Just nope.

And so, I’m resigned to stay put where I am. I’m already in my comfy plus pants. Tonight I’ll watch a bunch of Christmas concerts on youtube. Tomorrow it’s time for dumb Christmas movies that make me cry. And I might crack open that bottle of eggnog tonight.

I might cook later – I’m thinking it’s a chicken pot pie kind of night. But we’ll see how it goes with the wine and eggnog!

How are you spending Christmas Eve? For singles like me, what are you doing to cheer yourself up this year?

Enjoy!

relationships

Thoughts on unconventional relationships

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It’s quiet in my building tonight. And it’s dark outside – even by 5 pm, it was already pitch black. I had a pretty good day until I started working on my Christmas tree. It’s just a tiny little tree from Michaels. A 4 foot prelit tree. It’s kind of like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. But I can’t complain for $40. It’s perfect for what I need at the moment.

As I was unpacking the ornaments from dad’s house, I got nostalgic for my mum. Christmas was her favorite time of year. She loved entertaining and having family and friends over for dinner parties. The Christmas tree was her favorite part of decorating the house. Dad would help her set up the tree and the lights. And she would do the rest herself.

Or she would “instruct” us on where to put ornaments, so it looked like how she wanted it. She somehow made it seem like we were helping her out a lot. The more I think about things like that, the more I think – man, kids are dumb.

And as I was lifting boxes from my closet, and got winded after the third load, I couldn’t help but think.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have someone around to help with day to day stuff?

But is that really a reason to get involved in a relationship? Just to have extra help around the house? I know there are all kinds of unconventional relationships out there. From polyamorous (I speak from experience), to open relationships (been there too).

Romantic connections are a difficult thing for me at this time in my life. My thoughts are weighted down with my dad’s health as it worsens over time. And then there is my own health which impacts my, ahem, sexual drive. Is it even fair to get in a relationship when there’s no desire for intimate – no scratch that – no desire for a sexual relationship?

I’m not saying I never think about it. It’s just with weight, migraines and the hormones, most days – it’s very far from my mind. And my weight is a good reason I’ve stayed single all this time. It’s slowly coming off – painfully, slow.

Would it be too much to ask for a platonic boyfriend? Is that a thing? Someone I can share house responsibilities with. Someone who could pay the bills and let me work from home on my art and music projects. I could even teach music if I had a partner to split the bills with. I could do so much more than I am now.

Plus, I’m an amazing cook. There would be that benefit to sharing a living space with me.

That’s the other thing. I love coming home to an empty home. If I lived with someone, it would have to be a house. And I would need my own space. My own room. A basement to work out in and work on various projects. I need that.

But…I sure do miss having a tall partner around to help with the day to day things that I physically can’t do anymore. And I think about what I’m going to do when I’m over 50 and there’s no one to take care of me. Maybe I’d have to go for a younger guy?

These are thoughts that are plaguing my mind tonight.

But I sure do like the shimmering lights and sparkly ornaments in the background.

For just a little while, it felt like mum was right here with me.

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Creamy Asparagus Soup

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I made this the other night and still have leftovers even despite having a large bowl for lunch today. It reminded me of when my mum used to make asparagus soup for family dinners as a kid. Some of my fondest memories were watching her in the kitchen standing over the stove whipping up some of her favorite recipes.

Normally when I make asparagus soup, I used a dry mix from the store. But I thought I would go all out and make it from scratch.

Next time I make this, I’ll definitely cook the asparagus first and puree the soup base which should result in a delicious, thick and creamy soup.

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Ingredients

  • 2 cups of asparagus chopped into 1″ pieces precooked (boiled or roasted)
  • 1 cup of spring onion diced
  • 1 cup of heavy cream or milk
  • 2 cups of chicken or vegetable broth
  • 1/3 stick of butter or 1/3 cup
  • 1/3 cup of flour
  • 1 teaspoon of minced garlic
  • Spices: salt, black pepper, parsley

Preparation

  • In a large pot melt the butter on medium heat. Add in the garlic and onions. Cook until onions are tender.
  • Add in the flour and stir constantly until the flour is fully cooked. Add in the cream a little bit at a time (about 1/4 cup) whisk constantly.
  • Add in the stock – or you can use water and a bouillon cube
  • Bring to a boil. Reduce heat.
  • Add in the asparagus and spices. Stir well.
  • Simmer for about 30 minutes.
  • Pour the soup into a blender and mix until you have a nice creamy puree mixture.

And the soup is done! This recipe will serve up to four people or you will have leftovers for a couple of days if you’re single like me.

Serve on its own or with a grilled cheese sandwich. This is how I ate it today and it was delicious. I skipped the puree step this time and it was still delicious. I also added in mushrooms because I had a package I needed to use up – but most recipes just use asparagus.

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Happy Thanksgiving from me to you

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This morning I woke up feeling a little sad and lonely. Being single and living on my own is fine for the most part. But it’s holiday time – Thanksgiving and Christmas that I start missing my family. Especially my mum.

Mum would always get up really early on Thanksgiving day. By 9:00 in the morning, the kitchen would be filled with delicious aromas of turkey and onions for the stuffing. The turkey would be in the oven for 10:00 am. It was always a big bird – to feed an army. Which at twenty people, we almost were army sized.

I’m missing my mum so much this year. Especially with dad in the home. We can’t bust him out. I saw him yesterday and the visit was a disaster as he was not having a great day. They are serving a turkey dinner but it’s just not the same without him. My sister will see him Tuesday. It’s just hard being away from parents this time of year. I tried booking a visit to see him. I really did. What else can you do? I called him this morning to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving and said I’d see him soon and that I loved him.

I was sitting in my recliner, sipping my morning coffee and surfing youtube videos on how to cook chicken perfectly, when I got an invite from my brother in law for dinner. We’re a small group. The four of them plus me. This falls within the rules of family gatherings during COVID.

“It’s nothing special, just ham, sweet potatoes, broccoli. We’ll even pick you up.”

He had me at ham. I was sold.

The rest of the family are all doing their own thing. And that’s okay. We don’t need to get together all the time. As long as everyone is safe, healthy and happy. I just wish my dad could be with us. It feels wrong without him.

And so… my plans for cooking a magical Thanksgiving feast for one, will have to wait until tomorrow. I do have a package of chicken breasts I need to cook up so I will do that for lunch. I’m also going to make another apple crumble for dessert tonight.

I love my family. I’m missing my beautiful mum and her pies this year. I wish just once – I could see her one more time hovering over the kitchen counter with her rolling pin and high heels because she was short. Just once I wish I could hear her laugh and sing along to Bing Crosby and Dean Martin as she baked a million pies and desserts for the family.

Just once… I wish I could see her smile again and hold her tight and tell her I love her. But at least I won’t be alone this weekend. And for that, I’m ever so grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving. Stay safe and healthy wherever you are in the world.

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Thanksgiving Dinner for One – is all about comfort food

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Since our family is opting out of Thanksgiving again this year, I’ve decided to cook up some of my favorite dishes this weekend. This seems like a lot for one person, but this meal can feed me for days. Here’s my plan (what I actually do might change):

  • Roasted Honey Ham
  • Mashed potatoes with cream cheese
  • Roasted butternut squash
  • A can of cranberry sauce
  • Apple Crumb for desert

As usual, I’m relying on YouTube tutorials for how to make this comfort meal really pop. I’m devastated that I can’t eat dinner with my dad. So I’m making the best of it. I’ll see him tomorrow for a visit anyway and my sister will see him Monday.

Now a warning – this meal is not for weight loss. Nor is it low carb. It’s totally 100% comfort food as I’m really going to miss my family. We all deserve treats now and then, don’t we?

Roasted Honey Ham

I have a very small cooked ham from Superstore. You can use any ham for recipes like this.

Roasted Butternut Squash

I’m using frozen cubes for this recipe – it’s just easier and my knives aren’t that good.

Mashed Potatoes with Cream Cheese

I’m cheating with this one and using instant potatoes mix then adding cream cheese. Here’s a good recipe if you want to make it from scratch. Just add in the cream cheese and some milk or cream as you mash them up.

Apple Crumble

I still have a bucket full of crab apples that I need to use up this weekend. I think tonight I will make another batch of apple crumble or perhaps just baked apples and cinnamon. You can read my recipe here from the other week – it’s super easy and takes minutes to prepare.

Beverages

I might have to fall into a drunken state this weekend just to get by. But probably not since most booze gives me wicked migraines as you know. I do like to indulge in a glass of rum and orange juice on occsaion – reminds me of getting drunk at the bar in my twenties on screwballs.

But for this weekend – I think I’ll order in a nice blush wine. I tend to like the German Rieslings, but they too give me migraines. So, I stick to blush wines. They’re a little sweeter and delicious. I’ll finish the night off with either some apple cider or hot chocolate.

If you’re looking for a really nice wine and money isn’t an object for you – try an ice wine. These are smooth and taste amazing. But at $40-50 per bottle – I think I’ll stick to the blush wines this weekend.

Or maybe I’ll make a sangria. The possibilities of DIY alcohol are endless!

What are your plans this Thanksgiving weekend? As COVID cases are on the rise, we’ve been told by the province that family gatherings are not recommended. So, our family is doing our part by staying home and doing our own thing. Though I will miss family dinner – I understand the risk of stuffing all 21 of us around a table together.

Stay safe this weekend and enjoy some great food! I’ll share pictures as things progress.